


Neutron Star Collision

by Claretgirl16



Category: Holby City
Genre: Alternate Universe, Colleagues - Freeform, Exploration, F/F, Feelings, Relationship(s), Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-02 21:02:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 49,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13326297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Claretgirl16/pseuds/Claretgirl16
Summary: Hello you lovely people and happy 2018!Recently I'd been thinking about the various fanfics and which characters are involved etc, as well as the changing characters in Holby too alongside the recent dramatic events that have unfolded, when I had a brain wave and an idea that I don't think I've come across whilst looking at what has or is being written at the moment, seen as I like writing different things and exploring the various possibilities in terms of mixing things up in the fanfic world be this in terms of characters and or storylines, I thought I'd jot some notes etc down and see how it all fit together if at all, and for me it did and it had potential so I thought I'd give it a shot to put together a chapter.This is what I came up with after I'd written it, I wasn't and am still not sure of the interest in this potential idea, but figured I'd post it here and see what the reaction and suggestions were as to if the interest was enough to continue and turn it into an actual fic, see if you guys like it firstly and then be interested in the idea itself as a whole, then take it from there.Any thoughts and views regarding it are welcome! Enjoy!





	1. Chapter 1

Guilt.  
Anger.  
Fear.  
Sadness.  
Frustration.  
Tension.  
Lonely.  
Aggression.  
Pain.  
Confusion.  
Vulnerable.

 

These were certainly a few of the words you could use to describe all that grief was, it wasn't just one simple feelings, it was a mish mash of all different feelings and thoughts, all in your brain and body scrambling themselves together, having you up and down the wall of pain and grief, silent and then sometimes not, angry and then sometimes not, an ache that followed you around, like a millstone around your heart, crushing your chest, a pain but like no other type of pain you've experienced before, this was searing, burning, crushing, ever present, no relief and that no amount of painkillers strong or extra strong would get rid of any time soon, this pain had taken residence for quite a while.

 

"Roxanna, Roxanna.." the repetition of her name bringing the blonde neurosurgeon back to herself and to the present, the torturous present that should be, the present being her sat in her office on Darwin ward, having retreated in here after having to tell some incompetent F1 about how they weren't doing something properly, even with guidance some aren't doing it right and I'm fed up of telling them, some people are so stupid and just don't seem to listen, especially idiotic F1's, it seems they have been sent up here because they're good at getting in the way and causing me to shout at them, idiots.

 

Stood square in front of her, on the other side of her desk was a person she didn't expect to see, a person who herself hadn't been long on the ward after being transferred to Holby but yet had now it seemed come to be calling her name and looking Roxanna straight in her eyes, two set of green eyes locked together, the brunette with a determined look on her face, her stance one of someone ready to say her piece.  
"Yes?" was the blunt response from the blonde, now sitting up straight in her high backed, leather office chair, slowly folding her arms across her chest, the armour being put in place for whatever battle, verbal or otherwise was going to ensue.  
"What you just said, the way you just went off at that F1 then it was out of order and uncalled for...".  
"Who are you to say that to me, to come in here to my office, considering you're under me and my guidance at the moment..." now it was Roxanna's turn to be interrupted by the steely glare of the brunette.  
"I might be under your guidance at the moment, but I can't stand back whilst you unleash like that on a junior doctor, we were juniors at one point and that behaviour even then was unacceptable, now I understand that you've been through some life changing events these past few months just before I got here and you're grieving, but this isn't the first time I've heard you shout at someone on the ward, that first few times I didn't say anything because I thought I'd give you the benefit of doubt, but it's getting out of hand now, out of hand to the point that what I just heard and saw out there was over the mark and I can't stand by anymore and say nothing, the others might not feel able to say anything or talk to you about it, but I can and I am because it's getting past a point, a point that I find unacceptable, hence why I'm talking to you now" the brunette's voice firm but controlled, she wasn't shouting but her tone told Roxanna she meant business in what she said, the only one of the Darwin team to have come into the blonde's office and speak to her about her behaviour, no one else had but she had and she seemed like she was making a stand.

 

"It's not of your business to come in here and say these things to me, these F1's need to learn and they're not learning if they keep making mistakes and not listening are they!" the blonde's irritated tone breaking into what was not becoming shouting, her annoyance at being confronted echoing around the office, her green eyes blazing as she looked at the younger brunette in front of her.  
"If you kick off at them just like that then no wonder they're not listening because they can't bloody hear you with all the shouting that you're doing at them, I don't think I'd hear you, let alone be very keen to listen to what you're teaching or telling me because of the attitude and how it's being delivered. Just like now all I'm hearing is your anger and irritation, probably because someone is confronting about behaviour that you've been allowed to continue for a number of weeks, to run riot verbally over young doctors who are too intimated and frightened by your manner and behaviour and no doubt status to say anything, so they take it and carry on. Well I'm not a junior doctor and I'm certainly not intimidated by your loud tone of voice and your present attitude and I don't fear for my job because I know that that isn't in danger, bar any massive incident or massive misconduct issue, and this isn't any of those, so those aren't issues I have. All I'm saying is I know and see how you're behaving and it's not acceptable and I'm telling you that it's not, I'll stand up for those that won't, it needs sorting Roxanna, not just for us as your colleagues, but for you mainly because you don't seem happy which I understand considering the circumstances of course I do, but in general you don't either, you're not happy being like this I don't think, regardless of what you might say" Alex's stance not having changed the whole time she'd been stood in front of the now seething blonde, the folded arms having tensed considerably after the brunette's little speech, her jaw also tensing in annoyance.  
"Just get out, go on, get out of my office now!" she yelled, her eyes narrowing in anger and emotion, looking straight through the younger woman, if looks could've killed then Alex would certainly have dropped dead at that exact moment.

 

With one final look at the woman sat behind the desk Alex turned on her heels and headed for the door, satisfied that she'd said her piece, well someone had had to say something, the present situation couldn't be allow to continue, some of the junior doctors on the ward had been shredded and cut down to bits by the harsh reaction and words that Roxanna had been dishing out to them, not to mention how she'd been sniping and grumbling at the rest of their other colleagues, yeah they could take it better and just let it go, but that still didn't make it any less wrong, not of them it seemed wanted to make that move in confronting her about her behaviour, well if they wouldn't then Alex would, it'd gone on too long and she couldn't hear or see any more of it, so she'd taken her chance when the blonde had retreated into her office, closing the door after she'd entered and found said blonde staring off into space, this she'd seen her doing a few time recently too.  
Opening the office door and making her way through it, Alex shut it behind her and then started the walk back down the corridor, but not before glancing Roxanna out of the corner of her eye in the office through the half shut blinds, an arm reaching out and swiping at the pen and couple of pencils on the desk, a frustrated and angry shout as the objects hit the carpet, before she leaned forward with her head in her hands on the desk, fingers threading into her short, blonde locks, the brunette shaking her head at the sight as she carried on back to the ward and the patients.


	2. Chapter 2

"...and then I shouted at her to get out" Roxanna explained to Serena later that day as they sat in the brunette's office an hour or so after both their shifts had finished, the blonde having escaped from Darwin as soon as her shift had finished and made her way to AAU, Serena motioning to her office as soon as she she'd seen Roxanna entering the ward, letting the other woman know that she'd join her in a minute, which not five minutes later she had, which then resulted in them both being still sat talking, Serena sensing something wasn't right with the blonde the minute that she'd seen her sat in her office, an irritated look on her face.

 

Since returning to Holby the two women had developed an unexpected friendship, realising that they shared a few things in common and it helped that someone other than Roxanna had experienced a deep sense of grief not too long ago, it made her feel that little bit better that someone could relate to her and how she was feeling, so much so that Serena could tell something must have occurred that shift in order to put the look of thunder over the blonde's features, looks like that didn't occur for nothing usually, and so the conversation had eventually led to Roxanna telling Serena about her exchange with Alex in the office and what was said.

 

"Well it sounds like your day has been eventful, do you feel like you were in the wrong and warranted what Alex said to you?" Serena asked as she sat at her desk looking to Roxanna sat on the visitor chair.  
"Those F1's deserve to be brought up if they're making silly mistakes and not always getting things right, so I told them".  
"But we make little mistakes and wouldn't like to be verbally attacked every time that it happened would we?" the brunette offered, trying a different way to try and help the blonde see it from another angle.  
"We don't get that from anyone on our wards though do we..." her words trailing off as she saw Serena raise her eyebrows and then she herself realised what she'd just said, she'd just 'admitted' that they both didn't get spoken to the way that she'd spoken to one of the F1's and a couple of her colleagues earlier that day, dipping her head for a few moments before looking back to Serena again. "Am I guessing that maybe Alex did have a point in what she said to me before?".  
Serena nodded her head.  
"I think she did yes, and the fact that she delivered it the way she does, makes me think that maybe she does respect you enough to have a word out of ear shot of the rest of the ward, where as some might have confronted you on the ward itself and in front of everyone and not given a toss, I've seen that before a few times and it's like watching open warfare. In that sense I think she genuinely wanting to do it to help you and to maybe get you to see how you behaving the way you are is affecting the others around you, so she's actually being considerate of you this way. I know Alex a bit and have worked with her for a while when she was previously at Holby and she's not a horrible person, I've never heard others she's worked with and around say anything of this sort either, the opposite in fact, she gets spoken of highly and well by colleagues, they all like working with her, she works hard and is good to work with" Serena said looking at Roxanna.

 

"I've so far not heard bad things about her, even when I was told she was coming onto the ward it was nothing but good things and people seemed happy to have her working here permanently" Roxanna admitted, it was true people did seem happy to have the brunette back on the ward, she'd seen the way she'd interacted with other staff and patients and no one had complained, only Roxanna herself had kicked off it seemed with the younger brunette.  
"Maybe you should think about cutting Alex some slack, give her a chance, a proper chance, maybe get to know her a bit better, you never know you might actually get along well with her. Let's face it, we're all working together and as one big team here and Alex isn't a liar and she's up front and honest, doesn't beat around the bush, gets things done, maybe that's an ideal part of your team, she's not dissimilar to you in that sense, you might have a new friend under your nose that you could actually get along with, get to know and actually like. Given what we've both been through I don't think it harms either of us to have more friends than not, I know this more than most, they've been so helpful and supportive to me this past year or so and I couldn't have gotten through a lot of this without them, I didn't realise how much I valued and needed them until this tragedy stuck, they've been my rock and sanity when I felt my world was caving in and I couldn't cope" speaking from the heart and honestly as she kept her brown eyes with the green of the blonde, giving her food for thought, this being something not many did for Roxanna, but Serena did and it seemed reluctantly Alex had done too, Serena telling the neurosurgeon in not so many words that Alex was right in what she said and did, and actually might have done Roxanna a favour.

 

Exiting the lift and then the building, over coat on, leather messenger bag across her body, her hands slipping into the front pockets of her coat, collar stood up against her neck, offering some protection from the breeze that whipped around her as she moved into the night air, heading down the ramp and to her car parked not too far away from the main doors, taking a minute to pause before she got in, her eyes scaling up the building to the floor of Darwin that was lit up, being able to make out a few bodies moving around up there, her mind recollecting the incident in the office with Alex, the way she'd shouted at her, but Alex hadn't shouted back, the brunette had been firm but fair, her stance never once encroaching into Roxanna's space or being aggressive, not like her actions after Alex had left, practically shouted the younger woman out of the office, her voice pushing her out and then she swiped her stationary on the floor, it happened to be this because it was the nearest thing, quite a good thing it wasn't a vase of flowers or a glass of water or similar, not that there would ever be flowers on her desk, who would buy them for her, who in their right mind would want to do anything for her, the way she'd been behaving recently people seemed to be giving her a wide berth and staying at arms or should that be a couple of arms lengths, they'd only come to her if absolutely necessary, if they didn't have any other choice, because she was the only person with the answer or they needed her opinion or her verification for something on the ward or to do with a patient, apart from that they stayed away, it seemed Alex wasn't like this, she wasn't like they were, she stepped forward, forward into the lion's den, facing the raging bull head on, her green eyes never once showing any kind of fear or retreat when she stood in that office, less than a foot away from Roxanna, she stood there and said her piece, a piece no one else dared.

 

But she did, Alex did, she said it and still her eyes didn't show any flicker of fear when Roxanna erupted at her to get out, she took it and then calmly left the room, but she'd said it all to the irate blonde to help, to take her to the side to make her see what was happening due to her right in front of her own eyes on her own ward, and that if she carried on there would be bigger and more serious consequences to Alex speaking her mind in the neurosurgeons office.

 

Maybe just maybe Serena had a point, maybe Alex is alright, maybe she is trying to help me?  
Maybe she said all she said to actually help me?  
Maybe Alex had a point in what she said?  
Maybe Alex isn't too bad?


	3. Chapter 3

Standing at the doors of the ward the next morning on her own, Roxanna took a breath before entering, giving a tight smile to a colleague that passed her just leaving the ward, striding into the main body of the ward, her eyes scanning her immediate surroundings and all the way up to the nurses' station where she spotted a certain brunette sat behind the desk on her own, reading a file in her hand, Roxanna giving a little cough as she approached before quietly saying.  
"Good morning" adding a little, awkward smile as she quickly flicked her eyes up to the brunette to see if she'd heard her, which indeed Alex had, having spotted the blonde making her way down the ward, her hands in her pockets as she did, feeling Roxanna's eyes on her on her slow but steady walk up the ward and then hearing her greeting, her own green eyes slowly leaving the file in her hands, looking up to the older woman nearby her.

 

Well what's all this.  
She's come in and actually greeted me good morning.  
No shouting.  
No rushing in.  
No kicking off.  
She's actually said good morning.  
Nicely.  
Nicely and awkwardly.  
Quietly whilst I'm on my own at the desk.  
Well, well, well Roxanna this is a different approach.  
A slightly different stance you're taking isn't it.  
A calmer one for first thing in a morning.

 

After a few seconds Alex flashed the blonde a little smile of her own, two pair of green eyes now looking at each other but saying nothing until Alex did.  
"Good morning Roxanna" and giving her a little nod, this response seeming to calm something in the older woman, maybe the fact she'd not been totally ignored by Alex helping her in this exchange.  
"If you erm....if you need any help out here this morning seen as we're a little short staffed then, then don't hesitate to come and get me, I'll just be in my office working through some paperwork".  
"I will do, thanks" another nod of acknowledgement and a little smile of appreciation from the brunette, this getting a small smile and a nod from Roxanna before she carried on past the desk and to her own office, Alex raising her eyebrows to herself at their exchange, a smile on her face too and how different the blonde had come in this morning.

 

A greeting and a smile, bloody hell.  
That's a little different to yesterday morning.  
It's odd.

 

After a fairly quiet and uneventful morning spent in her office catching up on her paperwork that she'd not managed much of these past few days, Roxanna headed out of her office and glanced around the calm and steadily running ward, something that pleased the blonde, it was important that she ran an efficient ship and that when the higher powers that be came onto the ward they saw the same thing too, not an out of control mess and patients and staff everywhere, no that would never do and definitely not on Roxanna's watch if she could help it, this situation right here and now would do her just nicely.  
"Erm...where is Dr Dawson?" she asked one of the F1's calmly, said F1 replying that Alex had just gone on her break in the staffroom, the same place that Roxanna found herself walking too, and then pausing at the door, glancing through the little glass window in the door, seeing the brunette sat at the table sipping from her water bottle, a half eaten apple on the table, her eyes wandering over the newspaper that was laid flat out on the table top, not aware of Roxanna's presence outside.  
After a few more seconds of watching the brunette, Roxanna silently opened the door, this little noise getting Alex's attention as she looked at the other woman.  
"Can I have a word with you?" the blonde asked, looking to see that they were alone after she'd posed the question.  
"Sure" Alex replied simply, Roxanna closing the door behind her and sitting to the seat on Alex's right, feeling the brunette's eyes on her as she did, obviously waiting to see what the blonde had to say for herself.  
Looking at her hands for a couple of seconds, she then looked at Alex, after all she was going to be talking to her and she couldn't speak to her whilst looking at her fingers.

 

She's waiting Roxanna.  
She's waiting to see what you've to say for yourself.  
I can feel her looking.  
Waiting.  
Wondering what you want to talk to her about.

 

"Erm.." eyes now back to the younger woman. "What happened yesterday afternoon, when I shouted and lost my temper towards the others but mostly you..." steadying herself again, making sure her words were coming across properly. "I shouldn't have done, it was wrong of me and I...I just wanted to say I'm sorry".  
Then silence for what seemed like ages to the blonde, ages because she was preparing herself for the fallout, the fallout that she guessed would be Alex not accepting said apology or taking the chance to once again to point out all the things that Roxanna shouldn't have said or done that day, once again telling her some home truths.  
"Thank you" two simple words said calmly making Roxanna look Alex square in the face, two sets of green eyes together. "I appreciate you taking the time to come and apologise and your apology is accepted" giving the blonde a smile of acceptance that she did indeed forgive her after what had happened the previous day, Alex's smile softening Roxanna's expression, offering her own small smile to the brunette.  
It was strange seeing the blonde's expression soften, her features flash calmness and a relaxed demeanour over them, replacing the usual tension and sadness that she seemed to wear nearly all the time on the ward, such a stern and uptight expression, an expression that wasn't exactly inviting and welcoming if any of the F1's or staff in general wanted to ask something or approach her, it's not a person you'd deem approachable, probably a big reason why they didn't come near her very often unless absolutely necessary and even then it wasn't the most comfortable exchange.  
"If you are ever in need of any help or someone to talk to then you can call on me if you wanted to and I'd do my best to help, if you don't want to then this is fine too it was just a thought" Alex said smiling kindly, glancing at the clock on the wall and quickly eating the rest of her apple, throwing the core in the bin before heading to the door. "Better head out, duty calls" her smile still there as she left the room and Roxanna sitting at the table on her own.

 

Well there's something different for you.  
Someone offering their help to you if you needed it.  
Someone offering to lend their ears to listen to you if needed.  
Something you've not had before.  
Usually they don't bother.  
Usually they stay clear because of how you've behaved.  
But her.  
She's done the opposite.  
She's offered it to you.  
Offered it with no strings and no pressure.  
One of the only women who has ever put themselves out there like that for you.  
Done it sincerely to help.  
Because she gives a damn.  
Because she's not as bad as you first thought.  
Because maybe Roxanna you were wrong?  
Maybe you got Alex wrong?  
Maybe she's actually nice?

 

This trail of thought running through her mind as she refolded the newspaper and placed it in the middle of the table, her eyes wandering around the empty staffroom and then back to the half full bottle of water in front of her, Alex's water, silently replacing the top on the bottle and then picking it up and she rose from the table after a few more seconds, taking it with her as she stepped back out onto the small corridor that stood before she actually made it to the main body of the ward, the water bottle clutched in her hand.


	4. Chapter 4

Laughter.  
That happy thing.  
That jolly thing.  
Something everyone seems to do.  
Everyone who is nice.  
Who has that part of themselves in their lives.  
Something Roxanna didn't have.  
Didn't have or had lost.  
Something she was watching now.

 

Watching it in the form of Alex with one Roxanna's senior doctor colleagues stood at the nurses' station, something the brunette had said caused a ripple of laughter, one of the nearby F1's hearing the back end of it and laughing too, Roxanna not quite passing this group early enough to hear what was said and just catching them laughing, Alex catching the blonde moving passed them and sensing she'd seen them laughing .  
"Hey Roxanna, whatcha think of one of my friends after his stag night the other day?" showing the blonde a picture on her phone of a man in his thirties dressed in a maids outfit and blonde wig, passed out drunk on top of a hotel bed surrounded by his male friends of the same age all smiling into the camera, obviously all having had a good time and pleased that they'd done their 'duties' as his friends, the doctor and F1 having gone back to their patients.  
Looking at the picture in front of her, the blonde surprised herself by being unable to help chuckle softly at the picture, her smile reaching her eyes, the first time she'd chuckled and laughed like this in what felt like quite a while and especially around other people, also no one seemed to have invited her to share in with the jokes they were sharing with each other, especially not on the ward or in the hospital for that matter, apart from Serena it seemed Roxanna's attitude and behaviour towards people had filtered to other parts of the hospital and staff and they kept her at arm's length, but not Alex, Alex had asked what she thought, she'd brought her into the joke that they were sharing, the one the blonde hadn't been initially included in when she wasn't nearby the little group, but then the brunette had brought her into it, she'd done this when she didn't need too, didn't have to, but she did, she did this and made Roxanna laugh too, making the blonde laugh wasn't something everyone or should that be a lot of people could do.  
Serena seemed to have something when she spoke to Roxanna about Alex, maybe she did have a point about her being nicer than the blonde thought at first and that actually Roxanna could use a colleague and friend like Alex, someone who didn't take her crap but was understanding and kind at the same time, a balance of the two things, balance Roxanna didn't seem to have at the moment, but needed, this Serena had seen too.

 

There was something about when the ward was busy, it seemed things happened in a blur sometimes it didn't matter how many staff there were on the ward and the fact they were all taking care of their own patients, it felt like you were playing catch up, or were falling behind with your own cases, which had seemed like the case for the blonde for most of the day, that was until Alex came to ask if she could manage and for once Roxanna had to admit defeat and say no, that she did actually need the brunettes help, help in any form right then and there, help to just be able to find her feet again and get the patients either discharged, helped by another member of staff or moved to the place that they needed to go for the treatment that was right for them.  
With Alex stepping into the fray since she'd managed to sort her own list of patients, Roxanna felt the blur lifting and the ward calming down, her own mind following suit as patients were dealt with and checked off her list, a certain sense of calm being achieved when the names were wiped off the white board and the shift was coming to an end, the blonde moving across to speak to Alex who was sitting at the nurses' station on her own filling in some paperwork that she'd not had chance to do since they'd been so busy, her eyes focused on her work.  
"I..I wanted to say thank you.." the sound of Roxanna making Alex look up from the current piece of paper under her gaze to transfer this gaze to the older woman. "For your help today when things were a bit mad on the ward, it was an extra pair of hands for me".  
"No problem, as I've said to you before I'm happy to help if I can, all you have to do is let me know and I'll do what I can, it's a team effort in here after all isn't it and I really enjoy my work and job here and the team that we have" Alex smiled, it being obvious that what she was saying was genuine and she did actually like what she did and being part of the team that they had on the ward, the brunette's genuineness not lost on Roxanna who gave her a little smile in response and got a smile back from Alex, before the older woman turned and headed off to her office, shutting the door and then sitting down behind her desk.

 

It was quite a concept having someone like Alex on the team.  
Someone who actually offered her help.  
Her help to Roxanna.  
Someone who would approach the blonde and tell her she could rely on her on the ward.  
The brunette being easy going in her nature but hard working at the same time, could have a laugh and a joke on the ward, but was focused on the job at hand at the same time.

 

I like the easy going side of her.  
This mix of easy going and business head all in one.  
Being able to do both.  
To have both.  
To bring both to the table.  
It meant people liked her.  
They liked being around her.  
They liked her as a person.  
Liked her being she is nice.  
She's genuine.  
She moves about the ward and the hospital with an ease.  
An ease in who she is.  
In what she's about.  
About the job she does.  
And even after what I've been like she doesn't use it.  
Doesn't use it as a weapon to beat me with.  
To make me feel guilty.  
She's never done that.  
Not once.  
She's given me the benefit of the doubt.  
Not held it against me.  
Not once.  
She's nice to me.  
She's helpful.  
Offers me her help.  
An olive branch.  
Another person actually offers me an olive branch.  
To me.  
Roxanna MacMillan.  
And she's a colleague.  
A colleague that Serena thinks could be a good friend to me.  
A support.  
Support.  
What a thing that is.  
A foreign thing.  
Something I'm not used to.  
Not from other people.  
And certainly not women.  
Apart from Serena.  
Maybe Alex could be another support.  
Another good woman friend to have.  
Have alongside me.  
Alex as a friend.  
To me.  
Bloody hell this is different.  
Very different for you Roxanna.  
Roxanna MacMillan with support.  
With friends.


	5. Chapter 5

It's crazy how sometimes when you think everything has gone smoothly that day, it suddenly gets railroaded right at the end unexpectedly.  
Emergencies.  
Sudden emergencies.  
The beauty of being in Holby.  
These sudden events that can come out of nowhere.  
In other places and forms of work this kind of thing didn't happen.  
It wasn't heard of.  
It was foreign.  
But here.  
In Holby it was normal.  
A normal occurrence for all that worked it.  
Not a nice one, but a normal one all the same.  
Just like now.  
Tonight.  
Tonight right before home time.  
Home time that meant most of the leaving staff had retreated to the locker room to collect their things.  
Collect their things and go home.  
And most of them were going home.

 

Despite Roxanna running around to try and see if she could keep a couple of them on as extra, they all had plans that they'd made and they couldn't or wouldn't change them at such short, which given the circumstances just as they were heading home she didn't blame them even if it did leave the blonde feeling somewhat stuck right now, she herself staying on with the small staff team that were due to start their shift, not enough bodies to cover absolutely everything, especially with an emergency.  
"I'll stay if you want?" came a voice from behind her as she came out of the locker room, her eyes moving from the floor and to the person who'd just spoken, not that she didn't know the voice.  
Alex.  
"Excuse me?".  
"Because of what's just come in, I'll stay on to help you, we could manage between us plus the other colleagues that have come in" Alex replied, she herself having not long finished and was on her way to the locker room to go home from the ward, but she'd heard about the emergency that had just come in and then seen Roxanna disappear rather quickly in the direction of the locker room and guessed what might be happening.  
"Erm...that'd help out a lot, thank you" Roxanna replied, not expecting Alex to offer her help, given the brunette like herself had just finished a shift and she wasn't sure if Alex had had plans too, but being grateful that the younger woman hadn't mentioned anything like this and had offered her time to help out.

 

Team work and effort.  
Organisation.  
And bloody hard work.

 

Working through the most serious cases first and then taking them into theatre if they needed it, before coming back onto the ward and then sorting through the patients that they had here, some could be treated here on the ward and sent home, others had to be sent to other parts of the hospital to be on the ward that could treat them more accordingly, which meant eventually the rush subsided and the ward had returned to a calm and orderly state, all patients were accounted for and settled in their beds with the relevant tests ordered that they needed, which then was a waiting game and the staff were free to relax a little bit more and catch up on jobs and paperwork that they hadn't been able to do before. It also gave the people that were going home that had stayed on to help out the chance to leave this paperwork and other things to the staff still on duty at the time, giving them the window of opportunity to go and get their things from the locker room and get ready to head home, just as Alex was doing in the locker room having gotten changed into her jeans and a t shirt, looking up from retrieving her bag and coat from her locker as she heard the door, a dressed Roxanna walking through it, acknowledging the blonde with a little smile which she got returned to her.  
"I just wanted to say thanks again for staying on to help out since there weren't hardly any others that did, it helped me out a lot".  
"No worries it's fine, I'm happy to help out, it seems we don't make a bad team" giving the blonde another smile as she slipped her bomber jacket on and her messenger bag over her shoulder, she was right they did make a good team, under the circumstances and the stress both women had worked well together and had a good balance between them.  
"I...I don't suppose you'd like a coffee, it seems we've both not had a chance to stop to eat or drink last night and I'd like to get you one to say thank you" not sure how the brunette would react to her offer, knowing she herself was feeling hungry at this exact moment, a feeling she'd not been used to these past few months, but it seemed this morning she was, having gone all night running around with only a few drinks of water.  
"That'd be nice thanks" Alex replied, following the blonde out of the room and then to the lift on their way down to Pulses.

 

On reaching the cafe it was quiet given it was first thing the next morning, at least with the early hour you weren't faced with the usual mile long line that usually greeted you when you came into the building to start your shift and wanted a coffee, but were concerned you might not live to get it when you were gasping for the caffeine and you saw how big the queue was. After letting Roxanna know what coffee she'd like Alex found them a table in the corner and sat down, smiling when the blonde joined her not long after, a brown paper bag with a couple of muffins joining them in the middle of the table, Roxanna having taken the decision to buy them thinking Alex might be hungry too with all the running around last night.  
"Thank you" she said as she took a sip from the cup, casting her eyes over the cup the blonde had. "It seems we share coffee tastes" seeing Roxanna look between their cups and then at Alex, giving the brunette a smile and a nod.  
"It seems we do yes and you're welcome" lifting her own cup to her lips to take a sip, enjoying the taste of the coffee after the mad shift they'd just endured. "I bought them because I thought we both might be hungry" motioning to the bag between them on the table, this gaining a smile from Alex as she looked into the bag, taking a muffin out and pulling a bit off to the top to eat, it seemed they both liked muffins too.  
".....after that I couldn't look at them the same way again" Alex finished, having told a story of the hospital she'd worked in before Holby and caught two of the senior doctors having sex in one of their offices as she'd gone up to ask about a patient.  
It seemed this story tickled something in the blonde and caused her to laugh heartily, the laugh reaching her eyes and engulfing her face, her green eyes screwing up out of sight, her hand moving to her face partly covering it as she laughed, Alex smiling widely as she saw the woman before her laughing at her story, realising it'd been the first time since she'd been here that she'd seen Roxanna behave like this and laugh like it too.

 

"It's nice to see you smile and laugh instead of crying or anything else" Alex mumbled softly as she sipped the last few bits from her coffee cup, seeing Roxanna look back at her across the table a slight shyness to her expression.  
"I've not really smiled a lot recently, out of work and definitely not in work or on the ward, this is something that you've been subjected to quite a bit and it seems ended up with the brunt of..." seeing Alex's hand move into a stop motion which made the blonde stop speaking.  
"None of that, it's done and gone, that was then and this is now, it's a fresh start and a clean slate for the ward and things between us as far as I'm concerned" raising her eyebrows lightly towards Roxanna so the older woman knew she hadn't held a grudge and it was a clean slate and that was in the past, seeing Roxanna's expression soften and her give a little nod, a soft and a grateful smile appearing on her face.  
"Yes, a clean slate" Roxanna agreed, finishing off the remainder of her muffin and putting the empty paper case in the brown paper bag with Alex's.  
"Fancy another coffee?" Alex asked she herself liking one and offering to get the blonde one if she'd like.  
"That'd be nice, thanks" both women sharing a smile between them as Alex got to her feet and took her wallet from her bag.  
"I'll get us another muffin too, seems like we both needed those that you got us after last night's shift" she chuckled at her own observation, Roxanna's own chuckle back enough for the brunette to know that she agreed with her, making her way over to the counter again, leaving the neurosurgeon sat at the table somewhat more relaxed than she had been when they'd first sat down.


	6. Chapter 6

"Bit of a team you're becoming eh Roxanna?" came the voice from behind the blonde as she stood at the nurses' station looking through a patient file for some information, a frown gracing her features as she glanced around to look at the voice, it being one of the younger male doctors from another ward that had become an acquaintance of the neurosurgeon since she'd come back to Holby again, asking each other for a second opinion now and then when needed.  
"Excuse me?".  
"Yourself and Alex, you both seem to be getting on well and developing quite the bond, becoming quite the team between you up here aren't you?" he smiled before picking up a file off the nurses' station alongside the blonde and making his way down and then out of the ward, this departure making the neurosurgeon leave the file where it was and head off looking for the other woman in question, Alex, finding her just leaving the staff toilets, the frown on the blonde making the brunette also start to develop a frown of her own.  
"Have...have you said something?!" came the random question, Roxanna looking up and down the corridor they were currently stood in, being glad it was empty apart from themselves.  
"Eh?" the random question puzzling Alex.  
"Have you said anything to anyone about us working together?".  
"No, why would I say anything to anyone about something like that?" becoming that bit more confused by the second.  
"Well Tim has just made a comment about us getting on well and developing a good bond and becoming a good team between us" explaining a bit more to the brunette stood in front of her, Roxanna wasn't used to people talking about her and definitely not commenting on her supposedly blossoming team she'd got going with another woman doctor on her ward, they usually kept away from her, or only spoke to her about work, not about this kind of thing, her words coming out that bit quicker as she explained, a bit flustered.  
"Hey take it easy, what's the problem here....so he mentioned us being a good team and working well together, isn't that just a positive observation on his part about how the ward is running well and it's down to us working well together that it's doing this? It's a positive thing, a good thing, because I think we do work well as team here and that we've been getting on well too, hence why we work well on the ward" Alex offered, showing Roxanna that it was a positive comment made by another member of staff for them and their ward that they worked on together.

 

Positive.  
About us working well together.  
Someone has noticed it and decided to mention it to me.  
He thinks we've been doing a good job together.  
Alex and I.  
A good team.  
So he's told me.  
Told me to my face that he thinks we're doing a good job on the ward.  
Together.  
It's a compliment.  
A compliment to us both.  
Alex has just set it out like this.  
Said what he meant.  
Nothing bad.  
Nothing underhand.  
Nothing negative.  
But positive.  
She says it calmly when she speaks to me.  
She doesn't shout.  
She doesn't belittle me.  
Make fun of me.  
She's kind.  
She's patient.  
Calm.  
Dare I say it understanding.  
Seems to be able to get through to me.  
Make me feel more at ease.  
Now this making me feel more at ease is definitely one I can't say people do very often, the opposite yes, but not this.

 

Swallowing she glanced away from the brunette who was still looking at her and then back to her after a few seconds.  
"I'm sorry for how I reacted just then, I shouldn't have done, I shouldn't have got that way over something like that..." trying to find the right words to explain and apologise at the same time, not making a good job of either of these things she thought.  
"It's fine, no big deal, just take it easy eh, not everything like this that is said in this place is negative or as some would say an 'attack', some of these lot in here are a positive bunch and give credit where it is due to colleagues, just like Tim has with you. He thinks you're doing an awesome job on the ward and we work well as a team so decided to tell you, no more no less, he's just telling you as he sees it. You're doing a top job so he told you because he wanted you to know, I agree with him in this regard, you do do a top job, just take it for what it is, it's all good" she smiled warmly, her eyes glistening with the warmth of her words, giving Roxanna a reassuring wink as she passed by the older woman and down the corridor to the ward knowing she had jobs to do there, leaving the blonde to watch her pass and follow Alex's back down the corridor all the way to the ward, that brunette really was rather easy going and chilled, she didn't react, she took the time to listen and try and understand, to process what Roxanna was ate up about.  
Walking to her office a minute or so later, Roxanna closed the door and sat behind her desk, sitting back in the chair and closing her eyes, letting out a sigh at the exchange a few minutes ago, feeling irritated with herself for her reaction to what Tim had said, going over it in her mind a few times and how she'd then gone and questioned Alex.  
She seen Tim's words as something negative, something to use as a 'weapon' against her, to criticise her and her job, or to somehow in her mind mock her working relationship with Alex, but she'd gotten it wrong, Alex had somehow managed to make her see what Tim was saying, that actually he was saying it in a positive way, that he'd seen how well the ward was being run, how good the team were doing, how good a team herself and Alex were becoming, that they worked well together, it was anything but a criticism, it was a compliment.

 

Alex seemed to speak sense, a calm sense that had managed to get through to Roxanna somehow, maybe it's because she didn't shout, raise her voice, belittle the other woman, things that somehow struck a chord with the blonde, because she probably expected to be shouted at, shouted down too, but Alex was different, acted different, she said things that made the blonde think, think thing through, properly, fully, this made Roxanna think even more it seemed.

 

Maybe she'd got the brunette wrong at the beginning, thinking she didn't care, that she wasn't nice or they wouldn't get on, that she wasn't the sort of person Roxanna would get along or could work alongside with as a colleague let alone anything that resembled a friend, it seems that the opposite was true.  
Actually she does want to help.  
She does care about the ward and who she works with.  
Maybe she does care about me?


	7. Chapter 7

The quiet after the day.  
When you've left work.  
You're at home.  
Rid of your work uniform.  
Comfy clothes now on and relaxing.  
Rest and food.  
Unwinding from the days' events.  
Well most people did these things.  
Other people.  
People that weren't a certain blonde neurosurgeon.  
If anything Roxanna's mind was working that bit more right now.  
Working but not in a doctor kind of way.  
Working in a reflective and questioning kind of way.  
Something slightly different from medical thinking.  
Patient driven thinking.  
Looking after those under her care.

 

She was thinking about how the various people at work have acted and behaved towards her these past few weeks stretching into months and also how she's acted and spoken towards them, especially the younger F1's, doctors and nurses' on her ward, looking back it seems Alex may well have had a big point when she said about Roxanna not being as nice and reasonable as she might have been towards most people, Alex's opinion was being backed up by one of the very few people Roxanna trusted, this person being Serena.

 

Why had she behaved like she had?  
Why was she so reactive.  
So harsh.  
Angry.  
Or was there more underneath this.  
Of course there was.  
She wasn't angry and the colleagues around her.  
Not really.  
She was hurting.  
Guilty.  
Guilty of not seeing David's condition.  
Not doing more.  
She should've been able to do more.  
Do more to help him.  
More to save him.  
More when he was alive.  
He was my husband so it was my job.  
My job to do more, help more, more in the way of helping him.  
And because I didn't, this is what happened.  
He's no longer here.

 

All these things, these factors have steadily built up, gotten piled up on one another and consumed the blonde neurosurgeon, got her to a place, into a position within the hospital, or her ward at least where a lot of the staff and her colleagues kept her at a distance, didn't go near her unless absolutely necessary, or unless they could only ask her and no one else, a last resort of sorts, that's the environment the ward had become these past couple of months in terms of how good a job Roxanna had done at lashing out at the people who didn't deserve it, people who'd done nothing wrong in regards to her, they'd done nothing but were the people nearest to her, that saw her the most in work and in general if truth be told.

 

This had all resulted in her alienating them, making them not come near her, not that they could be blamed for this, they'd walked away, walked and left her to swirl around in her own space, consuming herself with her own thoughts and feelings, well all except Serena, the brunette not being one to give up on people who seemed to be in turmoil, inner turmoil, which was probably one of the worse kinds, after she herself had some experience of this kind of thing. She'd taken the chance and time to approach the blonde and offer an olive branch to her, it was offered on a professional level at first and then slowly over time a friendship had blossomed between them both and it'd become quite a strong one, one that Roxanna could rely on, Serena had become someone Roxanna could rely and hell knows she was in need of more people like Serena in her life, regardless of if she was willing to come out and say such thing, which more often than not she wasn't.

 

And now it seemed Alex had come along and for some reason, even after being kicked out of the older woman's office had looked past this, had accepted her apology, and yet again just like Serena had, offered her an olive branch, a branch of friendship, of someone to talk to if she so wanted to, an offer with no pressure and no strings, one made because it seemed the younger brunette didn't just see the Roxanna that presented herself on the ward every day, she saw past this, she saw she wasn't happy and she'd said this to her, straight to her face, no holds barred. Considering hardly anyone saw this, recognised this in her it'd shocked her, caught her flush in the face, caused her to have to shoo the young doctor out of her office at that moment, the panic at Alex's words causing her to flap on the spot, flap that much that she needed to be alone, it seems that flapping has been going on for quite a while, well a while since David died, this flapping that's been happening causing the blonde to come to the conclusion that she wasn't a nice human being.

 

All the feelings of grief, anger, hurt, upset, guilt, loss, sweeping and swirling inside her like whirlpool, a whirlpool that she felt she couldn't control, couldn't escape from and it was this same cycle that it seemed the people in her immediate vicinity had been sucked into, not intentionally but they'd been brought in nonetheless, they all just happened to be the closest people in every sense of the word to the blonde neurosurgeon at the time of the tragedy, they were in the place she'd picked, consciously or not to try and carry on, to have some sort of normalcy in her life, a place where her mind wouldn't be whirring as much, or if it was then it was about her work and not everything else that had gone on outside of this place, which given what had happened in the hospital was quite ironic, her office becoming the base for her escape at work, where she could kick people out of if she felt like it, shoo them out, shut the door, erecting a small and temporary barrier between them and her, letting her breathe or at least attempt to breathe, she felt like she'd not done much of this recently if she was being honest, but then again why should she, she didn't deserve to breathe, not after how much of a horrible person she was, how she'd been to the colleagues around her who were only doing their jobs at the same time as trying to offer her some kind of compassion and help, and what had she done, she'd shouted at them, been hostile, ill tempered, short and just damn right unapproachable, well for most other people around her, until Alex had stepped into the fray and faced this attitude head on, the brunette having done what the others hadn't done, not that Roxanna could blame them, she herself probably wouldn't have been very willing to risk having her head blown off her shoulders by a blow of someone's tongue, or should that be a few blows?

 

Alex must have nerves of steel to face this kind of risk, risk of having someone shout at them, hurl abuse at them, and it seemed the brunette felt up to the challenge and challenge was the right word, but a challenge in which the younger woman seemed to use her head and moved the goal posts slightly, moved them in the sense of being nice to Roxanna, she was understanding, she actually approached the unapproachable neurosurgeon, she made an effort with her, not in big grand gestures, but subtle ways, subtle like showing her the picture that she'd shown the other staff members when they had been at the nurses' station, she'd actually noticed Roxanna going past but just being out of the way of the conversation, so she'd asked her in not so many words part of their conversation even though she'd gotten a few looks from the colleagues already there, this hadn't put her off, she'd still shown the blonde the picture.

 

It seems that all these things that had happened at the hospital, all these little things were now filtering to the forefront of the blonde's psyche now she was alone at home, alone with no excuse of the hospital to distract her, nowhere to hide away from how she'd been behaving, how she'd treated some of the staff the younger and older members, nowhere to run from the woman she'd become the last few months, a woman she'd concluded wasn't exactly very nice to say the least.


	8. Chapter 8

"Is that the best you can come up with, you've absolutely no other slots or times that it can be done in?" sighed an increasingly frustrated and stressed blonde, currently stood outside the main entrance to the hospital on her phone, pacing as she spoke, dodging the odd person who came past.

 

Why was it that whenever something needed fixing there was never someone available to come and fix it, but then everyone in the world was available when nothing needed fixing. All day she'd been trying to find an available plumber who could come and fix the leak she had at home, ok her house wasn't about to be flooded right at this minute, but if it wasn't fixed soon and got worse then that could become a real possibility and that is something Roxanna wasn't prepared to wait around and risk happening.

 

"Ok fine forget it I'll try someone else" not even waiting for a response before she hung up the call, huffing to herself as she did. "God knows who else I can try, since I've tried literally everyone that is a plumber around this area, god knows how I can get this fixed" she muttered to herself, shaking her head, as if this might somehow magic a plumber to sort out her problem there and then, obviously it'd do no such thing.  
"Problem?" came the one word from someone behind her, half turning to see Alex behind her, raising her eyebrows.  
"Oh no it's ok.." was the not very convincing reply from Roxanna, as she slid her phone back into her coat pocket.  
Typical and expected Roxanna response there.  
"Shall we try that one again, problem?" lowering and then raising her eyebrows again to the neurosurgeon, giving her a little smile, before keeping quiet after she'd asked her question for a second time, her eyes wandering over Roxanna's face as she waited.

 

That's certainly a different approach from someone, someone not believing my answer.  
Most different.  
It seemed this gentle but different approach had the desired effect in this situation.

 

"It's just...it's just been a long day, I've been trying to get hold of a plumber, but it seems every plumber within a ten mile radius of Holby isn't able to come out and help me" she sighed dejectedly, there certainly wasn't going to be a plumber being pulled out of thin air anytime soon.  
"Is it a big problem you've got?" Alex enquired, asking to find out that bit more about what the actual issue Roxanna had was in a bit more detail.  
"Well not at the moment no it doesn't seem to be, but I don't want it to turn into one if it continues, it's the tap in the kitchen it's leaking, not hugely but it's leaking nonetheless" she explained, still not sure why the brunette was asking for more details about it.  
"Maybe I could take a look for you, I'm no master plumber by any means but I've turned my hand to some DIY stuff before and stuff like it in the army?" she offered, not wanting to force the blonde into anything, simply offering to help if she wanted her to.  
"Oh ok, erm...well if it's no trouble, thank you" Roxanna replied, grateful just for Alex to look to see if she could help in anyway.

 

Making their way into the modest sized detached house, a staircase on the left hand side, doors on either side of the wooden floored hall way that led into the kitchen, Alex followed behind the blonde into the kitchen itself, the light and airy space opening out into a generous kitchen, an island in the middle, the granite work surfaces sparkling with the afternoon sun coming in the windows that ran the entire width of the kitchen.  
"It's this here" Roxanna pointed out as she stood in front of the stainless steel sink and drainer, taking her coat off and handbag from her shoulder, placing them on the island, as Alex took off her own coat and put her messenger bag on top, coming over to the sink and taking off the tea towel the blonde had used as a temporary measure for the leak and then wandering her eyes over the entire tap.  
After a few minutes of looking at the tap and around it Alex spoke.  
"Well your problem is the washer inside I'd say, it seems like it might be a bit worn or broken altogether to me, but I'll have to dismantle the tap to check, would you like me too?" turning to the side to look at Roxanna as she asked the question.  
"If you don't mind, I'd be grateful of you doing that" the blonde replied, stepping back to let Alex have some more room, watching as the younger woman set to work turning the water off underneath the sink itself and then dismantling the tap, all of this seeming to be quite easy to Alex, like she'd done it before like she'd said she had.  
"There's your broken washer, it's in a word knackered" she smiled, her hand outstretched and flat with the broken washer on her palm for Roxanna to see. "All I'll have to do is nip to the DIY shop near here and get a new one for you, replace it back in place of this and that should solve the problem, I'll not be long" grabbing her coat and wallet from her bag and making her way out of the kitchen and then the house.

 

Not knowing quite what to do with herself, Roxanna put the kettle on and started to make them both a drink, well if Alex was good enough to come around to try and help her sort out her problem, the least she could do is make her a drink, coffee for them both, she was just finishing off both of their drinks when she heard the front door and Alex appeared in the kitchen, once again taking her coat off and putting her wallet on top of her bag, the small plastic bag in her hand containing the washer which she brought over to the sink.  
"I made you a drink, thought you might like one whilst you're mending that" Roxanna said, putting the cup down on the work surface next to the sink.  
"Oh thanks, that'll do nicely" smiled Alex, taking a sip from the steaming cup and then replacing it, beginning to undo the tap itself, her green eyes fixed on what she was doing, her dexterous hands making short work of taking the tap apart, putting the new washer in and then putting the whole thing back together again before turning the water back on and trying the tap, smiling as the water flowed freely out of said tap and there wasn't a leak in sight. "There you go, one tap good as new" she smiled at Roxanna, before washing her hands and then picking up her coffee again and sipping at it.  
"Thank you, thank you very much, it's been rather difficult being able to find someone to come out and fix it, how much for your trouble and time?" wanting to give Alex something for helping her out a lot by fixing it for her, being very grateful for the brunette's help and time, knowing she didn't have to come and help her at all and could, if she was that way inclined then she could have played dumb to being able to possibly lend a hand and just let Roxanna sort it out herself, thank god Alex wasn't this way and she bothered to help her.

 

Alex shook her head at the offer, still drinking her coffee, swallowing a mouthful and shaking her head again at the blonde.  
"I'm not bothered about being paid, I couldn't take any money off you for this, it was simple enough and helped you out, so no money will be changing hands for me fitting a new washer on your tap, but maybe there is something I'd take instead..." letting the unnamed suggestion hang in the air, waiting to see the blonde's reaction.  
"What's that?" wanting to know so she could show her appreciation to the younger brunette.  
"Well you could buy me a beer tomorrow if you're free in the afternoon?" Alex was off tomorrow and had seen that Roxanna, who was above her on the rota was also off too, knowing the older woman might very well say no to the idea, but thinking that she'd try anyway.

 

No way am I taking money off her for simply replacing a washer on her tap, it was simple to do and I wouldn't and couldn't take money for helping her out, it wouldn't be right to do and it's not me, but I'd happily take a beer or two as a token gesture.  
As if she doesn't want paying.  
That's shocked you Roxanna.  
Shocked you that she doesn't want any money for her time and help.  
She wants to go out for a beer tomorrow.  
The pair of you to go out for a drink and she'll take a beer in payment.  
No money.  
Nothing like that, just a drink with you.  
A lot of people would have happily taken money from you.  
Not even given it a second thought and taken the money.  
But not her, not Alex.  
She is seemingly happy enough with a drink with you.  
She wants to go for a drink with you.  
She'll take this simple gesture as a token of appreciation.

 

"Ok then, tomorrow it is, maybe that new bar in town?" having heard a couple of the doctors mention it and how nice it was, thinking that maybe that it'd be suitable and somewhere Alex might like, having not experienced or been herself, she'd not been anywhere apart from mainly work of truth be told.  
Alex smiled and nodded at the venue suggestion, and the fact that Roxanna had agreed to her idea to buy her a beer instead.  
"Yeah sounds good to me" smiling over the top of her cup as both women finished off their drinks leaning against the kitchen work surface, a comfortable silence between them, Roxanna returning the smile to the brunette.


	9. Chapter 9

Afternoon drinks.  
Now this was new.  
A novelty of sorts.  
A strange one at that.  
No work, no ward to worry about, a day off and the afternoon of said day off or at least a few hours were being spent here, out in a small bar in town waiting for Alex to arrive.

 

Roxanna was first there naturally, punctuality in all things, and probably because she felt that bit more at ease arriving first, being able to pick a table and then to sit down at said table to wait.

 

Worried.  
No I'm not worried.  
It's just.....different.  
Different to actually not be at work or doing something connected to work on my day off.  
It's very different.  
I'm out.  
Actually out and doing something totally unconnected to Holby.  
It's odd.

 

"Fancy seeing you here" remarked a voice coming from nearby, Roxanna looking to her left and then up to see Alex smiling down at her, unable it seemed to give a small smile back of her own at seeing the brunette smile, Alex taking the spare seat the table.  
It was a casual afternoon having a couple of drinks so the brunette had dressed as such, skinny jeans, slim fit t shirt and Chelsea boots, taking her suit coat off as she sat down and put it on the back of her chair.  
"You look nice" was the comment made, something about it making Roxanna look straight at Alex, frowning softly.  
"Excuse me?" having not expected it at all.  
"You look nice in your outfit" Alex repeated, she thought the other woman looked nice in her black skinny jeans, plain violet long sleeved top and short biker boots, her hair in the quiff that just looked so, she always managed to get it looking just so, Alex thought so anyway.  
"Oh erm..." looking down at what she was wearing, not that she hadn't dressed herself or picked her outfit but she seemed to temporarily forget herself as her ears heard the compliment from the brunette. "T..Thank you" feeling a little heat on her cheeks, no one says things like this to me, no one and certainly not another woman.  
"I don't know about you, but I'm ready for a drink on my day off" Alex remarked sensing Roxanna's nerves and wanting to break these slightly, not wanting the other woman to feel uncomfortable if she could help it.  
"Yes, yes I am" came the quick response, grateful for the brunette's intervention as she gathered herself and her thoughts, retrieving her purse from her handbag on the floor and then getting to her feet. "What would you like?".  
"Erm..a bottle of beer please" seeing the blonde silently nod and then head for the bar, Alex's eyes on her back as she moved away, it seems someone isn't the type to understand or expect compliments, quite the opposite I sense.

 

"....so when I came out of the army I still wanted to make a difference, and it just seemed like the natural thing for me to stay kinda in what I know about and trained in, use my skills that I learned in the army and put them to some good use now I'm back here being a civvie...." scoffing softly and smiling at her own use of the word 'civvie', this also gaining a little chuckle from the woman sat across from her who was listening intently, sipping at her glass of red wine, a good red of course. "So I was working at St James's and then heard about a position on Darwin at Holby, I liked it when I did some covering shifts here once before so I thought why not try, went for it and got it, and well....here I am" taking a sip from her bottle of beer.

 

Well I didn't expect that.  
Didn't expect that kind of story about her life.  
Her being in the army and serving her country is a huge thing to do and the fact that she's a woman too.  
That's sacrifice.  
Sacrifice and dedication.  
And then to come out of the army and to carry on in the medical field.  
To carry on because she wants to make a difference and help people.  
Not many have this attitude, especially if they'd come out of somewhere like the army.  
Some might want to wash their hands of it so to speak.  
After all they've just come out of various war zones and stressful situations.  
Not wanting to go back to things like this.  
But not her, she wants to carry on in the medical field.  
To help people.  
To use her skills.  
Woah.  
I'm quite surprised but in a good way.  
I've just found a new level of respect for her.  
I mean I respected her before, but this had increased somewhat with what she's just shared with me.  
She's quite remarkable given what she's done and she's still quite young.

 

With their second drinks starting to be drunk, both women started discussing how they felt their night when the emergency came went, both agreeing that they felt it went well and that they both worked well as a duo together, voicing that they thought they made a good team, that due to their team work and hard work the night went a lot smoother than either could have imagined given what they were faced with at such short notice.

 

Whilst sipping at her second glass of wine and talking to Alex, Roxanna had come to realise that it'd been quite a while since she's conversed and conversed properly with someone who wasn't Serena, and someone who she found herself start to feel somewhat comfortable around the more that they spoke, more comfortable than she thought she would and especially it due to the fact that Alex is a younger woman, that in itself being something that Roxanna hasn't experienced before, this due to the fact most of her acquaintances being colleagues from work and most of these were men and men of her own age or at least a little older. But this time Alex was neither of these things, yet Roxanna was starting to think that the brunette could quite possibly be the easiest person she's ever talked to, this coming true the more she spoke to her because she felt herself feeling like she wanted to open up that bit more to her, and just speaking to her in general wasn't something she felt forced to do, it felt good, strange for sure but in a good way.  
"Can I interest you in another drink?" Alex asked as she drained the final bit of beer from her bottle, looking over said bottle to the blonde sat with her, seeing there was only about a mouthful of wine left in Roxanna's glass.  
"Y..yes please, thank you" looking towards Alex as she finished the remainder of her wine, the empty glass being put back on the table, which the brunette picked up as she rose to her feet with her wallet in her other hand.  
"Same again?" Alex asked, not wanting to assume that wine is what the blonde wanted.  
"Yes please".  
Alex smiled at the reply. "One red wine coming up" moving away from the table, having picked up her empty beer bottle too.

 

Now it seemed it was Roxanna's turn to watch the departing back of the younger woman, a lazy smile appearing on her face as she did so, one that seemed to have naturally appeared there at this point in the afternoon and then into the early evening.


	10. Chapter 10

Running.  
Music.  
Peaceful.  
Evening.  
People have not long gotten home.  
The roads just after rush hour.  
So much different than during that free for all of everyone with the same idea.  
The same destination.  
The same need to get home.  
This is the time she liked best.

 

After finishing work herself that afternoon, she got home, showered, running gear on, headphones in and then off you go, trainers pounding the pavement, zoning out, feeling the sweat slowly starting to bead your forehead as you push yourself, the endorphins pumping around your system, sweating out the days' events at work, the stress, the pressure, any other toxins of the day, there was nothing better, especially with a light breeze blowing in your face and helping to cool you down that bit more, well not to Alex anyway.  
The brunette had not been running for all that long, her feet pounding the pavement, having decided since the lighter nights had appeared she'd take a slightly different route, a change, switch things up a bit, a change was as good as a rest as they say.

 

Pausing at the pavement to check for any traffic, looking left and then right, something making her look right again, as a woman got out of her car outside her house, what looked like a young man coming up close to her on the drive, something about him making Alex furrow her brow softly thinking something didn't look right with this scene, music still in her ears, then it happened, he took his chance, grabbing for the woman's handbag, just as she was about to lock the car door, pulling at it, starting to grapple with her, his build and strength overpowering her as he managed to get the handbag from her grasp, by this time Alex had pulled an earphone out of her ear watching this unfold, the man starting to run off to where he appeared to have come from.  
"Oi!" shouted Alex from her position, not even thinking as she set off and sprinted after him, having to run past the woman in question who she now saw was none other than Roxanna, who was now on the floor, the scuffle causing her to be off balanced and land in a heap on the floor, this seeming to give Alex more adrenaline to catch the man, her slim frame and speed of foot allowing her to gain ground on him further down the road, throwing herself at him as she got within touching distance, rugby tackling him to the ground, the speed of the brunette and her action seeming to startle him too. "Ring the police, tell them to come quickly!" she said to one of the neighbours who had just pulled into their drive and seen Alex tackle the man, Alex looking up from her position on the floor, watching the woman getting her phone from her pocket and doing what Alex had asked her too, the brunette managing to stand up and drag the guy up with her, her grip tight on him, he wasn't going anywhere, well unless it was with uniformed police and with handcuffs on.

 

And not long later, thank god, that police did turn up and with handcuffs too, that being the only time the guy got released from the grip of the brunette, in that time she'd managed to drag him back near to where he'd mugged Roxanna, not too close to the blonde, but near enough to the scene of his crime, he wasn't going to get the chance to run off, not with Alex around and then a few of the other neighbours coming out to offer support.  
With him handed over to the police, the brunette moved over to the shaken blonde who was now up off the floor and leaning against her car, looking a little bit more than bewildered at all that had gone on and was still going on, especially the police getting involved in this kind of situation.  
"Hey, did he..did he hurt you?" she asked gently, not wanting to spook the other woman anymore given the circumstances.  
Roxanna shook her head to say no.  
"No, I....I'm fine" shuffling on the spot as she answered Alex, the brunette happening to glance down and catch sight of some wounds that were scrapes to the blondes hands, the being on the floor after having her bag taken and trying to save her fall the culprit of these wounds, not the worst, but sore and wounds all the same, wounds that needed treating.  
"They need tending to those do".  
"I'm fine Alex...fine" came the not very convincing reply from the blonde, Alex seeing tears shining in her eyes, tears that Roxanna was fighting back and not wanting to fall in front of the brunette, tears that were pushing against the bottom eyelashes of green eyes, threatening to burst the dam.

 

After talking to Roxanna and a couple of other witnesses, as well as Alex, the police spoke about the blonde not being on her own, Alex volunteering to stay with her for however long it'd be, the police then taking the suspect away and the other neighbours going back into their houses, Roxanna then doing the same with Alex following behind her, the brunette well aware of the wounds on Roxanna's hands still needing treatment.  
"Shall we go to A&E then with those hands if you won't let me treat them?" Alex posed, giving the older woman another option, also hoping that it might force Roxanna's decision that bit more, knowing that the other woman probably wouldn't want to go to the hospital for her hands and would rather they be treated at home.  
Roxanna shook her head at the posed option.  
"No, I'm not...I'm not going to A&E".  
"Well then will you let me tend to them and clean them up for you?" Alex said, not wanting to leave the wounds like they were no matter how small they seemed, they still needed cleaning and treating.  
"Ok" was the one word answer from the blonde, knowing she didn't have very many other options and that Alex wasn't probably going to leave until her hands had been sorted properly, stubborn was the brunette but in a caring way, she was persistent because she gave a damn.  
It didn't take Alex long to clean up the scrapes on Roxanna's hand, the blonde showing Alex where the disinfectant and other bits were that she needed to do the necessary little job, after a few little hisses and unsavoury words at the pain that were muttered under breath then all of the cuts and grazes were tended too, all cleaned and looking much better than a few hours ago, Alex satisfied that they wouldn't get infected and all the grit and other dirt was out of them.  
"There we go, all done" getting up from the dining chair she'd been sat on and putting the soiled cotton balls and buds in the bin, tidying up the rest of the things after herself, not wanting to leave a mess for Roxanna, then she came back but paused before sitting down again, her brow furrowing softly as she saw the other woman's shoulders start to move slightly, then her body followed and started to shake a little, her face tensing as once again her eyes filled up as she fought the tears, only this time she wouldn't be able to fully fight them back, which resulted in her face creasing and the tears starting to roll down her cheeks, a dipping of her head to try and prevent the other woman seeing, not that she hadn't already seen what was happening right in front of her, the past few hours events catching up to Roxanna and hitting her full square in the face, it all becoming too much.

 

Saying nothing at seeing what was happening to the woman not a foot away from her, Alex simply sat back down in her chair and gathered Roxanna into her arms, not even asking for the other woman's permission, not needing to in this situation, just wanting to offer comfort to the obviously distressed neurosurgeon.  
"It's alright, just let it go, let it all go" she soothed on hearing the stifled sobbing from the woman in her arms, her frame shaking as she did so, this leading Alex to smooth a hand up and down the back of Roxanna over her blouse, tightening her grip a little as she did so, feeling the blonde lean into her that bit more as she felt Alex's hand. "I've got you, I'm here, you're safe" Roxanna letting out a shuddering sigh mixed in with her tears, but not moving from where she was tucked close into Alex.  
There was something about the position the blonde found herself in, leaning against Alex, with the brunette's arms securely around her, a soothing hand that had now ceased on her back and was simply holding her close instead, it was comforting, soothing, safe, Alex offering all these feelings to Roxanna and she'd not even asked for them, Alex had simply just taken her into her arms and done what she thought Roxanna needed in that exact moment, and it was exactly what the neurosurgeon had needed, this leading said surgeon to realise as she sat there like that that she quite likes the feeling of Alex's arms around her and all the things that come with the embrace, this causing her to relax against her that bit more, feeling relieved when Alex didn't push her away but she pulled her into her more, resting her own cheek on the soft blonde locks on the top of Roxanna's head, quite happy to sit there and hold the older woman.

 

What is this?  
I quite like this.  
Quite like being close to Alex.  
She just seems to know how to comfort me.  
How to calm me.  
Near enough any other person I'd have pushed away.  
Or not taken comfort from.  
I'd have stayed away.   
Just coped with it on my own.  
But her.  
It's different.

 

Something inside just tells me that she knows how to comfort me, that she is genuine and wants to help me, that she cares for me, that she's a thoughtful person, now I've not had or got many of these around me right now, but her, she's here, she's right here and hasn't gone anywhere, the opposite in fact.

 

Since David had died she had buried herself at work, taking overtime and staying behind to do paperwork in her office, not spending much time at home and hardly having time off, it was like she'd shut herself off mentally and emotionally to that side of things, she hadn't allowed herself or had that many people around her that she could unload those types of feelings on, or at least that's how she felt, she's felt like she just had to cope with the feelings of guilt, loss and grief on her own, as a kind of punishment and she's not had the comfort physically or mentally from people either.

 

Then Alex came along, she saw early on that Roxanna was struggling, that maybe there was something more to her outbursts, her strict regime she tried to implement on the ward, maybe it was grief, feeling guilty, being emotionally and physically tired, not having many friends or people around her, she'd taken the first step in confronting the blonde and it'd started from there, the road to offering the olive branch to Roxanna aided by Serena, an olive branch that had led to now that same younger brunette was sat in Roxanna's kitchen holding her, being the first person in months to simply put her arms around the blonde and hold her whilst she cried, to give her that physical comfort and contact because it was what the older woman needed, no questions asked just plain and simple comfort and security when she's vulnerable, and all these things Alex was giving to Roxanna without her even having to ask for them, it was like the brunette really knew Roxanna well, that she had some connection with her, that she saw past the facade and into the woman herself, and it was this physical touch and contact with Alex that Roxanna surprised herself in liking and wanting more of than she ever thought she would, quite happy to sit in Alex's arms in her kitchen, slowly closing her eyes as she felt her chest loosening as the tears subsided, the peaceful silence of the room enveloping the pair of them.


	11. Chapter 11

Staff shortages.  
Illness.  
Annual leave.  
Emergencies.  
All these things added up.  
Added up to staff moving about.  
Covering here and there.  
Helping when necessary.  
An extra pair of hands here and there.

 

And had result in another ward ringing down to see if Keller had a spare pair of hands that could help out for a day or so, Alex volunteered her help not liking to see any colleagues struggle and the fact that they'd helped Keller out when they'd been stretched, it was only a day or two and there was enough cover on Keller to cope with her being on another ward and if anything drastic happened, then they could always come and get her or ring up and she'd be down to help out whatever she was needed to do.  
With the message being passed on for the attention of Roxanna, Alex made her way upstairs where she was needed, confident that the message would reach the neurosurgeon and not thinking anything of it as she got stuck into helping out the various cases and seeing where she could be of help to her other colleagues, finding her way around the ward and where she was needed.

 

After a few hours of being unable to shake an irritated feeling, Roxanna found herself in her office glancing to the clock on the wall as she attempted to complete some outstanding paperwork, not that this particular mountain got any smaller, but she could at least try to do some of it before more no doubt made its way to her to her desk, but this exercise was being interrupted, interrupted by her inability to shrug off feeling something in the pit of her stomach, something nagging, unable to settle, her mind wandering, wandering to a certain other person who was usually on the ward with her but for the next couple of days and at this exact moment wasn't here.

 

What was she doing?  
Was she liking it up there?  
Were they all working together well?  
Were they getting along better than the team down here?

 

With these questions burning in her brain, Roxanna once again glanced to the clock and moved from her desk and out of her office, taking herself out of Keller and up to the floor she knew the brunette was helping out on, was it curiosity, interest, nosey, whatever it was at that moment it was carrying her up the stairs and to the current ward Alex was working on. 

 

Standing at the closed doors to the ward, thanking god or whatever was believed to be up there, that the corridor and space outside the doors was empty, Roxanna peered through the glass in one of the doors, her eyes filtering through the other people in the ward at that time, before eventually landing on the person she'd be wanting to catch a look at, said person who was right at that very moment laughing about something with one of the nurses on the ward as they both made their way to one of the patients after being stood at the nurses' station, the brunette's green eyes creasing up as she chuckled, this seemingly being enough for a pang of something in the blonde's stomach to trigger her to turn and head away from the doors, unaware that the brunette happened to glance up as the doors to the ward had been opened from her side by a departing doctor and she'd caught sight of the back of the neurosurgeon, this sight causing her to frown softly given that Roxanna hadn't come into the ward even though she was outside it and she'd not heard from any other member of staff that Ms MacMilllan was due upstairs today or needed any assistance, yet she'd just seen her moving away from the doors without even coming into the ward itself?

 

With seeing Roxanna near the ward doors still on her mind and her wondering about it, Alex made her way to Keller after finishing her shift, asking after the neurosurgeon with one of their colleagues, them telling her that the blonde was in her office, where Alex then made her way too, knocking on the door and then waiting until she was invited in, the older woman looking up as Alex entered the room, closing the door behind her, it surprising Roxanna to see the brunette seen as her shift had already finished.  
Not bothering to wait to be asked, Alex took the empty seat on the other side of the blonde's desk, Roxanna pausing her writing but still holding her pen.  
"Is everything ok?" Alex said simply, her eyes with Roxanna's.  
"Are you sure, there's no problems or anything you wanted to talk about..." seeing Roxanna shake her head silently, this action seemed to force Alex's hand in terms of bringing up the subject she thought was needed to be talked about right at that moment. "I saw you, well I saw your back as you walked away from the ward doors a few hours ago" her tone soft and with no malice.

 

Again Roxanna shook her head, feeling herself getting agitated, an annoyance within herself at the fact that she'd been seen by Alex, but also that she'd gone up there in the first place, why did she do that, stupid woman!

 

"What's the matter, what's going on here eh?".  
"Nothing, I told you nothing" her voice getting slightly heightened with emotion at Alex's questions, questions Roxanna knew she'd no doubt ask, because that's the kind of person Alex was, she wanted to find out the cause of the problem, to give her a better understanding, to see if she could then help.

 

She did know why she'd gone there, she'd gone there to see how Alex was getting on, to see if the brunette might prefer it up there, worst case scenario want a move up there and then what if she did, Roxanna would lose the one person she truly trusted on the ward, someone she felt herself growing close to, back to square one again, her worried mind taking over when she'd made the decision to go up to the ward to see if she could see the brunette and how she was liking her temporary job, one she'd gone to do to help out her colleagues on said ward.

 

"Roxanna...".  
"No, I said nothing ok, why can't you just accept that, leave it alone!" Alex's persistence and her own annoyance at herself, manifesting in the blonde lashing out verbally at the woman who sat across from her, Alex not reacting in shouting back at the blonde, but instead waiting a few seconds as she looked at Roxanna and gently took the pen from her hand and placed it on the desk next to the papers that were there, her hands coming to rest palm down on the desk of the neurosurgeon, not that far from Roxanna's hands, still looking at her as the blonde glanced to her pen and then at Alex.

 

"I think I've a rough idea at what you were trying to do and what you've just attempted now, but it won't work or be happening you know, despite me being up on that ward for another day or so, I won't leave Keller, I've no need or want to leave, it'd probably be the last thing on my mind to leave our ward. I like working on here and I like working with you too" seeing Roxanna's face soften with the tension and upset it had been holding since Alex had first come into her office and the blonde knew why she was there. "Plus I personally think that well, you lot would miss me too much if wasn't here.." she joked, her green eyes giving a little smile to Roxanna, this smile holding a cheeky hint of a smirk at her own joke, this cheeky hint Roxanna saw and she couldn't help herself in offering a little knowing smile back, looking down at Alex placing one of her now unclasped hands over Roxanna's.  
"You don't have to worry about this kinda thing, or look for me because you might be thinking it, if I was having these thoughts about moving or being unhappy at my work I'd just address them to you, save us both any hassle, we don't need hassle, it's pointless hm?" Roxanna nodding silently at the reassuring words, feeling Alex giving her hand a little squeeze to emphasise her point, before the brunette released her hand and got to her feet from the chair, it was after her home time now, since she'd finished but come to speak to the blonde. "Like I've said, if you ever need to vent or get things like this off your chest or mind just let me know, just a text or whatever away, might help you not bottling it up, save you upset you don't need" giving another little smile and then leaving the office and closing the door behind her.

 

Something seemed to connect even more with the blonde in this exchange, something different to other people she'd previously had around her, Alex actually bothered coming to speak to her, to set things straight, to clear the air and reassure Roxanna about her worries, she didn't shout back or belittle her, she understood why she thought what she did and whilst she didn't excuse her behaviour, she sympathised with it and offered the neurosurgeon an honest answer and opinion, being open with her and letting her know she liked working with her, that she wasn't going to suddenly prefer the other ward and want to move, that she enjoyed their work, that she wasn't going to just leave and what had been Alex's little joke about her being missed on the ward, little did the brunette know just how right she was, she'd definitely be missed if she wasn't here, much more than she thought and knew.


	12. Chapter 12

Meetings.  
They could be useful depending on their content.  
But also boring as all hell with mundane things.  
Things that really should be done by the higher up powers that be.  
Powers that be who didn't have patients to look after and treat.

 

Alas this meeting was something that was necessary to be conducted by Roxanna, conducted by her with her and Alex present, regarding how they both thought that the ward was running and flowing seen as she was the lead and Alex was working under her, also to see if either thought anything could be altered or done differently in order to make things better for them as doctors and staff or for the patients themselves, this probably was mundane on some level but then on another it was important for the hospital and for the ward, and most of all for the patients, seen as it wasn't going to be lasting the entire day, Roxanna had decided that it was more than adequate to hold said meeting in her office, her on her side of the desk, Alex on the opposite side, a few papers between them as they had their discussion, also a coffee mug each, well if they had to hold this meeting then they were more than required to have caffeine, it was a necessity.

 

With all the subjects covered and spoken about, they were both happy with things that had been put in place and discussed, Roxanna then got up off her chair moving to the side of the desk and leaning to pick up Alex's empty mug, her fingers happening to brush Alex's hand as she collected the mug, not realising that the brunette's hand was still on the object, feeling something as their hands made contact, this jolt causing Alex to glance to the blonde as she felt it too, Roxanna pulling her hand away at the feeling.  
Seeing the blonde move her hand away and not take the mug with her like she was intending to, Alex slowly reached her hand from her position she was sat on the chair and gently took hold of Roxanna's hand again, holding her fingers and looking at her as she did so, this looking causing the blonde beside her to swallow lightly at the scrutiny and the contact, not used to being looked at like Alex was currently looking at her and certainly not by another woman.

 

A spark.  
A spark on literal contact.  
Yes I've been with other women.  
But I've never felt that kind of spark off a simple touch of hands.  
Never have I felt that before.  
She's the first woman to have made me feel this before.  
A simple touch of her hand and it's caused a spark.  
A spark caused by Roxanna.  
Plus she's easy on the eyes.  
Very easy on the eyes.  
Much more so than I'd noticed before.  
I've noticed now I'm this close to her.  
But also the softness of her skin.  
How soft her hands are.  
How nice here hands are.  
Her nails too.  
Bloody hell Alex.  
She's a colleague and a friend.  
Get a grip.

 

Having managed to excuse herself from the situation in her office by way of babbling something about going to a meeting or something along those lines, in that situation in the office anything was mumbled in order that she left the room and grabbed some oxygen from outside the room, cool down from the heat she felt coming over her. Roxanna made her way down the stairs and to Pulses, she didn't need the confinement of the lift and needed to walk and get some air and literal breathing space, arriving on the ground floor she took a breath in on seeing a familiar brunette who wasn't Alex getting a coffee, Serena, trying to calm herself as she made her way over to the other woman who had just left the queue, coffee in hand, looking up and smiling on seeing the blonde, this smile fading slightly when she saw Roxanna's expression.  
"Everything alright?" she asked on coming next to her friend, seeing Roxanna swallow and then shake her head at the question.  
"Not...not really, can I...would I be able...able to talk to you about something?" came the quiet request, the tone of the question enough for Serena to take notice.  
"Of course, maybe outside, less listening ears out there than in here?" thinking it'd be more private if they sat in the gardens away from the hospital ears, it sounding and looking like that might be needed.

 

Silence was the first thing, the kind of silence that's thinking silence, contemplating, mind ticking over, trying to find the words kind of silence, words Roxanna herself wasn't sure she could find to explain what was or had been going on, or at least going on in her head, now that was a different thing altogether.  
"When....when you and Bernie first met, was it...subtle..." frowning at herself for being unable to actually get her brain and mouth working in tandem to try and explain things better, rubbing her forehead and briefly closing her eyes, attempting to gather herself together again.  
"Subtle...well it wasn't us immediately over one another in that sense" Serena replied after a few moments of thinking, wondering where Roxanna's question had originated from, the other woman never having asked such a question before. "Why do you ask?".

 

If only you knew why I ask.  
If only you knew.

 

Roxanna scoffed at herself and shook her head, this causing Serena to be that more puzzled at her friends reaction, a slight concern coming over her at what might have happened to the blonde.  
Sighing she briefly closed her eyes before answering.  
"What...In...in my office a few minutes ago at the end of the meeting I had with Alex, we....we may have touched hands and she then...she held it...she held my hand..." spluttering the words out, not quite believing she'd said them to her close friend, words she'd not said about another woman before, let alone to another woman friend.  
"So Alex held your hand, did you like it?" Serena asked, never one to skirt around the issue, best to ask the most important questions first, make things, or hopefully make things easier.

 

A straight to the point question.  
What a one to answer.  
Especially for someone like Roxanna.  
Someone not used to receiving such direct questions.  
Direct questions about things other than her profession and work.  
Not about other women anyway.  
Other women she had some connection to.

 

"W...What's that got to do with it?" not that she didn't know what it had to do with it, not at all, but it was an uncomfortable question, because she wasn't used to answering it.  
Serena raised her eyebrows and tilted her head slightly, giving her friend the 'you know exactly what it's to do with it' look.  
"So...so what if I said it wasn't unpleasant?" a bit more of an answer than before wasn't it?  
"Roxanna....did you like the fact Alex held your hand, did you like it even if it was a small amount of liking it?" looking to her friend, as the hesitant blonde gave a little nod after a few moments, confirming the fact she had liked it, that was a hard going nod of the head.  
"But it....it's not right, I shouldn't have liked it, I shouldn't have liked it at all, I should've pushed the contact away, made her let go of my hand straight away..." her mind becoming filled with things she thought were the 'right' things she should've done in that situation, starting to get ate up.  
"Woah now, hang on, just take a minute, take a breath" Serena said, one of her hands coming to rest over the top of one of Roxanna's, who had her hands on the top of her thighs as they sat on the wooden bench next to each other, reaching out to comfort her friend who had started to get agitated. "There's no 'right' or 'wrong' options, not in that sense there isn't, I was married to and then divorced to a man and now I'm with Bernie who happens to be a woman, but it's not wrong, not at all, the gender is irrelevant, it's about the person, the person themselves and how they make you feel and how they treat you. Did I think I'd now be blissfully happy with another woman, not at all, but it's one hundred times better than being married to a man who cheated on me and was an alcoholic, someone who didn't honour any vows and treated me the way he did, now look at me, with a woman who treats me as Bernie does, loves me for me and who was a close friend and went through so much with me before we ended up falling in love and being together, now if being attracted to someone who you get along with and treats you with respect and kindness is wrong, then I think that amounts to millions of people all getting the wrong end of the stick. I'm sure David would want nothing more than your happiness, happiness in any form, just like you would want the same for him if god forbid this tragedy had happened the other way round, hm?" seeing her words start to slowly sink into for the blonde, it helping that someone had been in a similar situation, in regards to being married to a man and then found herself falling for and now being with another woman, in that way and many others Serena was invaluable as a friend, Roxanna could've have claimed to have had hardly any friends as good as Serena.  
"But I...I don't know what this is, what I actually am dealing with in this situation, like what is it?" trying to get her thoughts and feelings in some kind of 'order' and work them out, thinking that saying her confusion out loud might help in putting them into some clearer order.  
"Well, do you find yourself with a what's the word...soft spot for Alex, do you like spending time with her?".  
"Yes, we get on well and I find myself being able to talk easily to her, she offers a sense of comfort in that way I suppose, doesn't make me feel stupid or belittle me for feeling the things I feel, cheers me up when I'm having those days or moments, offers me comfort in a mental and physical sense and you know I'm not one for being used to either of these things, she seems to understand me..." her words trailing off as she got a flash of the young brunette across her mind, the way Alex had held her that night after her mugging outside her house, having not taken Roxanna trying to bluff her way to persuading Alex that she was fine and didn't need her scrapes washing or company, instead she'd done the opposite, she'd stayed and treated her wounds and then ended up holding her whilst she cried in her kitchen, Alex didn't buy Roxanna's front to try and cover her vulnerability the younger woman seemed to embrace it. 

 

Serena couldn't help but smile at her friend as she saw a look flashed across her face as her words trailed off and her mind briefly daydreamed, she knew that look because it was one she herself had no doubt had when her and Bernie's attraction had first started, it's a certain daydream look of someone who seems to cross your mind a lot, someone who since they'd taken their place there hadn't left, this seeming like the case of Alex in Roxanna's mind, it seemed the younger brunette had quite the impact on the neurosurgeon, and Serena was gonna guess that there was an attraction of Alex towards her friend, helping Roxanna when she mugged, comforting her, going out for a drink, holding her hand, that seemed like someone who was attracted to the blonde who sat next to her and if Alex wasn't attracted to Roxanna then she was behaving in an odd way towards her and giving out bizarre signals and actions.

 

"There's nothing wrong in any of your feelings for Alex, nothing at all, I know it's scary and a bit strange because it's new territory as it were, but it sounds as though she's fond of you too, with the time she spends with you, the things she does and the help etc she gives you, how she makes you feel it sounds like the feeling is mutual from her too, maybe have a word with Alex about this, about how you feel about this and her, it might help compared to saying nothing, I know from painful and nearly fatal experience that saying nothing can cause problems, big problems that can be very difficult, sometimes impossible to come back from and that's something you don't want or need, not when you've been through what you've been through, you've been through enough upset and heartache, it's time for some happiness, who gives a shit if it's a man or a woman if that person cares for you and makes you happy" she smiled warmly and sincerely at her friend, giving Roxanna's hand a reassuring squeeze, a support squeeze.


	13. Chapter 13

It was just a conversation.  
A simple one between two adult women.  
Two mature adults.  
Roxanna being one and Alex the other.  
In theory it was.  
Practice was something else.  
Especially these circumstances.  
These odd circumstances.  
Uncomfortable ones.  
Well different might be a better word.  
Uncomfortable and different for the blonde.  
That much so that she'd taken to sending Alex a text message to ask her.  
Ask her if she could speak to her at the end of the shift.  
That was easier than outright asking.  
Sort of.

 

With a light tap on the door Alex entered the office, not quite sure of the expression Roxanna was wearing, it was a mixture of on edge, tense and nervous, the fact the blonde wasn't at first able to straight away look at Alex, not to mention the wringing of her hands, that signified nerves and unease to the brunette.  
"I..I'd... I need to speak to you" a quick half glance to Alex and then at her desk, Alex narrowing her eyes at the action.  
"Ok well, here I am" taking up the seat opposite the blonde across the desk, watching Roxanna be unsuccessful at once, twice and then three times mumbling something nervously, causing Alex to be unable to help herself in interjecting and saying for her to take a minute, that it's ok and then to try again, before sitting back in her chair and waiting, not liking seeing Roxanna stressed in this way.

 

"What happened....what happened this morning, in here after the meeting, it feels...feels funny, that maybe...maybe I shouldn't have done it, maybe it wasn't 'right', that it was 'wrong'" her eyes flicking to Alex's and then back to her clasped hands on top of her desk.  
Alex paused for a minute before answering taking in what she'd just heard.  
"I'd ask if you liked it when I held your hand for those brief few moments?" came the soft question to which the blonde nodded silently. "As I liked it too hence why I did it and when I was doing it and after it didn't feel 'wrong' to me at all, this is because I like you as a person and I've been enjoying getting to know you and spending time with you, like when we went out for a drink the other afternoon...".

 

This seemed to rattle something in the blonde, it was something she wasn't used to hearing, not at all, the only person who'd said things like these were David, apart from him no one had said these kind of things before, they were foreign to her, unusual, things she didn't think she'd ever hear someone say to or about her again and certainly not from another woman, a younger woman, a woman saying them about her, this was totally foreign and different territory for the neurosurgeon.

 

She shouldn't say this.  
Not to and about me anyway.  
It's not allowed.  
I'm not allowed.  
She shouldn't say it to me.  
I don't deserve such things said about or to me.

 

"You....you need to...leave..." pulling herself up off her chair and motioning to the door with her hand and then back at Alex, not very convincing in her delivery of statement, her order not a strong one, and not one Alex had listened to when Roxanna had said.  
"Why?" Alex asked still sat in her chair having not moved even with the blonde's request.  
Roxanna briefly frowned almost as if she was puzzled at her own request to Alex, not entirely sure why she wanted Alex to leave, was she too close, had she gotten too close, or had she said things that Roxanna knew were true of herself but she didn't want to admit to the brunette, didn't want to admit because they made her feel rather vulnerable, too vulnerable, vulnerable again in front of someone, this someone being a woman?  
"Because...because you just have to...to leave.." this again something that couldn't be justified or be said with much conviction, this due to the fact the younger brunette made her head swim, made her feel things she'd never felt before, things she would previously not have imagined she'd ever feel, especially not for another woman, definitely not another woman, not this at all.

 

Sitting for another few brief moments and looking at Roxanna, Alex then lightly raised her eyebrows at the other woman's request before getting to her feet, picking her bag up with her left hand and heading with Roxanna for the door, glancing to the blonde out of the corner of her eye on the short journey, stopping as she reached the door, it not yet having been opened by either woman, taking hold of Roxanna's wrist with her free right hand, this causing the neurosurgeon to look down at the touch and then at the woman at her side, her green eyes locking with those of the brunette next to her, no one saying a word or moving from this exact spot for a good few minutes, both just looking, almost sizing the other up like opponents might before a big boxing match.

 

After what seemed like an age but in reality wasn't, Alex took it upon her to break the silence, to take the lead in this situation, she needed to, she wanted to, for Roxanna and for her.

 

"Do you like me, and I think you know what kind of like I'm talking about, or have you started to?" her tone a soft one, as she posed the question to the blonde next to her, the brunette's green eyes wandering over Roxanna's face as she waited for some kind of response or answer from the blonde herself.


	14. Chapter 14

Still the green eyes of the brunette looked at Roxanna, looked and waited, waited for her answer, an answer, any answer.  
A thumb from Alex finding its way to rest on the inside of Roxanna's wrist as she waited, waited in silence before she saw the neurosurgeon start to open her lips to speak, speak albeit quietly.

 

"But...But I was married, married to David, married to a man..." her eyes eventually finding their way to Alex's and then away again on saying the words.  
"That doesn't matter, isn't gender irrelevant if you like someone...." pausing before continuing her sentence. "If it makes any difference, I like you and I do enjoy spending time with you, I didn't have any expectation of doing so, but not in a negative way in a way of me not knowing you at the beginning, but since I've started to I've enjoyed your company and spending time with you, in this way I mean it, in a positive way" making sure that Roxanna knew it was all positive, thinking she'd put it out there and see if anything would happen or spur the blonde to react in anyway be it positive or negative, any reaction would be better than nothing.

 

It's similar to what David said.  
He said a few things like this when I first started getting to know him and after we'd met.  
He said he liked my company and getting to know me.  
Said so after we'd been chatting and just generally spending time together.  
It's weird hearing her say similar things.  
Especially from her.  
From Alex.  
Odd hearing it from another woman about me.  
That someone else enjoys my company and likes me like this.  
No one since David has said anything of this nature.  
And I never expected someone ever again to say it if I'm completely honest.

 

"Look if you don't like me at all then that's fine and I'll take the hint and leave you alone and not bother you anymore, you'll not have me floating around as I have been, I'll get the message and leave you be....but...but I get the feeling that this isn't quite the case, I get the feeling that you might like me, if even that's just a little bit" her tone a gentle one, not wanting to push Roxanna too much, especially if she'd misread this situation and the feelings that she was getting from the other woman.  
It was almost like a stirring, a small triggering of sorts, the fact that what Alex had said had struck another chord inside the blonde, a chord that no one since David had gotten too, no one had gone anywhere near there, not until now, which had caused Roxanna to raise her eyes to those of Alex which she'd previously dipped down as she listened to the brunette speaking and after a few minutes she gave a little, silent nod to the brunette's question, a nod to say that yes she did like Alex, dipping her eyes again and then half peeking to look once again to see Alex's reaction.

 

Well that's an answer that's positive.  
One I like I'm not going to lie.  
It's a start.  
A start with knowing where we both stand.  
Both on the same page as it were.  
A good page if you'd have asked Alex.  
It was steps in the right direction.  
Look at her peeking at me.  
Positive ones.  
She looks a bit like a scared young girl.  
Let's try and help that a bit.

 

This help came in the form of Alex dropping her bag from her left hand, pulling Roxanna closer in with her right and wrapping her arms around the blonde in a hug, a close one, a comforting one, a reassuring one, one that she hoped helped ease and comfort the other woman after what she'd just silently admitted, knowing it was quite a big thing for Roxanna to admit especially given the circumstances, a case of foreign territory for the neurosurgeon, a hug the older woman felt herself leaning into, it giving her that bit more comfort given what she'd just admitted.  
"Would you consider or like to come to mine for a coffee, you don't have to and there's no pressure to I just thought I'd ask" Alex whispered into Roxanna's ear as she held her, placing no obligation on the woman in her arms, simply extending the offer to her.  
Holding her position where she was Roxanna listened to and thought about the offer just posed to her, looking to Alex as the brunette released her from the hug and looked at her, giving her a kind smile, that smile that Roxanna seemed to like seeing more than she had realised, it was creeping up on her she was finding.  
"That'd be nice, thank you" giving Alex a smile back, Roxanna's confirmation widening Alex's smile that bit more, she couldn't seem to help the fact that she was pleased that Roxanna had accepted her offer of coffee.

 

With drinks made and both of them were sat in Alex's living room, both women taking sips from their mugs, the brunette glancing to the woman next to her as she did so, putting her mug down on the coffee table speaking as she did so.  
"Do you often blame yourself for things or carry a lot of unnecessary guilt around on your shoulders, even if it's not yours to carry?" she said seeing Roxanna turn to her as she'd finished asking her question, the content of said question catching the blonde off guard.  
"And that means what exactly?" she frowned, her eyes questioning Alex.  
"Just that I get the feeling that you blame yourself for a lot of things that might have happened and those things haven't been your fault, people close to you, even when you did everything in your power to help and what happened in those circumstances wasn't remotely your fault but you blame yourself and carry that guilt within you".  
This widened Roxanna's eyes, her frown softening, Alex had hit a nerve, a big nerve, the older woman putting her mug down on the free coaster next to Alex's.  
"What would you know about it, you don't know anything about this, how dare you even say such a thing!" getting up from the sofa as she spoke, her eyes glazing over as she did so, going to move past the brunette who on seeing Roxanna get up had raised to her feet herself, seeing the other woman go past her and head for the living room door.  
"Roxanna wait..." she called after the other woman, reaching for and then taking hold of the forearm of the neurosurgeon as she got to the door, not wanting her to leave, the action making the blonde spin on her heels and face Alex, her eyes blazing with emotion.  
"Get off me Alex, let go of my arm, don't touch me!" her voice somewhat more forceful than before, trying to free her arm from Alex's grip.  
"You're right I don't know much about it, but I know for sure that what happened wasn't your fault, that you're not and weren't to blame for any of what went on, you did all you could and couldn't have done anymore at all. It wasn't your fault, you're not to blame for anything Roxanna" keeping her tone firm but sympathetic, her hand keeping hold of the forearm of the other woman.

 

Not my fault.  
I'm not to blame.  
It wasn't because of me.  
I did all I could.  
She's saying all these things.  
The first time someone has properly acknowledged them.  
Properly said them straight to me that it wasn't me.  
Wasn't down to me that he died.  
That David died.  
That burden and guilt I've carried.  
Carried on my shoulders for months.  
My mind going over and over it.  
Going through ever small detail to see if I could've done more.  
Done that little bit more to prevent what happened.  
Prevent him dying on that table.  
Even though somewhere deep inside I know I could've have done anymore.  
But she's just come out and said it.  
Said it straight to me.  
Said it out loud.

 

Looking down at the hand of Alex still holding her forearm, Roxanna then looked up to the woman whose hand it was, Alex, the brunette looking over the blonde's face, seeing something shift in her expression, her green eyes not being as wide as before, a glaze creep over her eyes making them more glassy, a lump being swallowed in her throat, it seemed that having someone validate her feelings, recognise and then vocalise the guilt she carried and felt had really hit her, it'd brought the weight she'd been carry around crashing to the floor and the impact is something Roxanna was now feeling, a sense of relief maybe?

 

Tears.  
Tears of relief.  
Starting to cascade from her eyes and down her cheeks like a salty waterfall.  
A waterfall that is quickly covered or attempted to be covered by the blonde's hands, hiding her face and her reaction from the woman next to her, she might have started crying but she wasn't so sure she wanted Alex to see said tears, not that that was really an option given the brunette had had hold of her forearm and was stood right next to her, but Roxanna being Roxanna was going to attempt to partly cover her face.

 

"Come here" Alex murmured softly, releasing Roxanna's forearm and then enveloping the older woman in a hug, pulling Roxanna close to her body, her grip secure as she led them back to the sofa, whispering as she did. "It's ok, I'm here and everything is going to be alright" her only thought right now was to comfort the woman in her arms.  
With Roxanna tucked close against her body as they sat on the sofa, Alex didn't say anything as she held the other woman, still not saying anything as she felt a hand appear on her t shirt and fist it, almost using it as a sort of anchor, an emotional anchor. On feeling this the brunette tightened her grip around the older woman, a hand starting to smooth up and down Roxanna's back in a steady but gentle motion, a soothing motion, something to try and help calm her, that's all she wanted to do right now, help and calm Roxanna, somehow settle down her cries, it's something she'd found herself being unable to hear and when she did hear it it upset her to, Roxanna crying, the sound of the other woman in emotional pain and being able to see it was something Alex didn't like seeing at all, it was something she thought the blonde had had enough of recently and it was about time she smiled, or if she was going to get upset, that she had someone who would comfort her and stay with her until she felt better, and Alex had made the decision that she would do this, no one else was doing this for the neurosurgeon but her.

 

After however long an amount of time had elapsed, Alex felt the crying calm into sniffles and the shaking body also stop shaking as Roxanna calmed down, the blonde herself having closed her eyes as she sat in the other woman's arms, it seemed that Alex's arms and her embrace had this effect on her, it wasn't very often she closed her eyes, especially not under these circumstances, definitely not these circumstances, until now.

 

This just shows so much.  
Shows how much she's been affected by all that's happened to her.  
All the stress and grief, not to mention guilt that she's carried.  
Carried for god knows how long on her shoulders.  
She's had hardly anyone helping her.  
Helping to share the burden with her.  
I feel this also shows her fear.  
Her innate fear that she has that's connected to her vulnerability.  
A vulnerability that she doesn't like to show.  
Doesn't think she should show.  
Probably thinks that she should just get on with things and deal with them herself, probably connected back to her guilt feelings and blaming herself.  
I'm not surprised she feels like this when she's not got much of a support system around her.  
Not many people that she can reach out to and rely on.  
So she has to go it alone.  
Soldier on, flying solo.  
How lonely and scary that must be, especially when you throw grief in there too.  
And because she's not one for being loud and voicing her needs that often I suppose it compounds the issues, the fear, the vulnerability.  
It's almost a case of her swallowing the feelings down, when really the woman has been silently screaming out for some help and assistance because she's drowning in a sea of emotions and feelings, she needs someone to see this and support her.  
Well I hear your cries for help, even if they're not loud and not you actually specifically saying you need help.  
I hear you loud and clear Roxanna.  
And I'm here.  
I've got tight hold of your hand.  
Tight hold and you won't drown.  
You won't go under those waves.


	15. Chapter 15

Calm and quiet.  
Two things that had now descended on Alex's living room.  
They'd appeared since the blonde in her arms had calmed down and been soothed there, the both of them having not moved since they'd taken their spots on the brunette's sofa.

 

"Sorry" came the whisper into the quiet, the one word causing Alex to look down at the voice and the top of Roxanna's head.  
"You've nothing to apologise for, this is all natural and understandable given what you've been through recently and in general, certainly nothing to apologise for at all".

 

This is what you might call different.  
Having someone behave this way with me.  
Treat me as she has.  
She didn't hesitate to hold me.  
Didn't ask questions.  
Just did it.  
She took the lead in that decision.  
Made the decision and knew what I needed.  
I didn't even have to say anything to her.  
She just knew.  
She gave me when she felt I needed and dare I say it deserved.  
She thinks I deserves this.

 

With this thought in her head, Roxanna slowly lifted her head a little to glance up at the brunette herself, something inside her wanted to see Alex's expression for herself, what her face was saying as well as her words themselves, if they matched in a roundabout way, and she was pleasantly surprised to see they did, like they'd not match. Roxanna was met with a softly and kindly smiling Alex, the brunette's green eyes showing nothing but kindness and understanding for the woman in her arms.  
"Are you feeling any better now?" Alex asked, to which she saw Roxanna nod in response, the blonde then feeling a gentle hand cup the side of her face and a thumb pad touch her cheek and remove a stray tear that had been sitting there, the tenderness of such an action something that Roxanna hadn't expected, even less so to actually like and find pleasant, finding the fact that Alex's left hand had lingered there a little longer than expected even nicer, feeling the brunette's eyes wandering over her face, as if mapping out her face and taking in each part a little at a time.  
"You're so very easy on the eyes" Alex murmured softly, the comment being delivered as nothing but genuine and sincere, usually such a comment would freak out or make the blonde feel highly uncomfortable, after all they were referring to her, but this time, given how it was delivered and who it was delivered by, yes it made her shy because Alex was talking about her, but Roxanna didn't find herself wanting to run at a hundred miles per hour for the hills or feel that the other person was lying or just saying it, instead she closed her eyes and found herself leaning into Alex's hand, much to the delight of the brunette.

 

Waiting for a couple of moments as she felt Roxanna lean into her touch, Alex takes a chance and places a small kiss on Roxanna's forehead, hearing the other woman's breath hitch a little at the gesture but not pulling away at what she's done, much to Alex's pleasant surprise Roxanna retook her previous position against Alex's shoulder, the brunette replacing her other arm around her as she did so, enveloping her again in a second embrace and holding her close to her body, feeling the blonde snuggle back into her, as she rested her head against the top of Roxanna's, liking the feel of her soft hair against her skin, there was something oddly comforting about this feeling for the brunette too, as well as having the older woman in her arms too.

 

If there was something Alex was it was patient and easy going and both of these things were showing right here and now with Roxanna, the brunette more than happy to comfort the other woman and just give her simple comfort if that is what she wanted and needed, which was obvious that she did. 

 

Something about the way that Alex was and behaved seemed to have an effect on Roxanna, the laid back and non judgemental attitude of the brunette allowed the blonde neurosurgeon to let her protective wall down that bit more, and allow herself more than anything the chance release some of the pent up emotions that she'd carried with her for rather a prolonged period of time, release them in the presence of someone she knew wouldn't judge her and someone she felt actually had rather or at least was getting a good understanding of her person and how she ticked in that revolving door of a mind that she had, someone that seemed to have a familiarity with her, someone who had some kind of deeper understanding of her, who offered her comfort without question and who seemed to instinctively know what she needed to make her feel better, something she could honestly say that she'd never experienced with another woman before, if you'd have told her a year ago that she'd be sat on another younger woman's sofa, curled into her and being embraced by her, she'd have probably called you for want of a better word...crazy, her Roxanna MacMillan in another woman's arms and a younger woman at that...but low and behold here she was, and something she hadn't noticed before was just how nice Alex smelt, she had a particular scent to her, a fruity yet floral scent from her perfume that she wore, now that she was cuddled up into her and resting her head against her shoulder she was in the optimal position to be able to fully experience how nice the brunette smelt.

 

Fucking hell.  
I like the way that she smells.  
That's definitely a first for me.  
Liking the way a younger woman smells.  
Especially when I'm this close to her.  
Very close to her.  
I couldn't get much closer to her really.  
It's dare I say it nice to be this close to her.  
I should feel like running away but I don't.  
I feel a comfort right here.  
A comfort in her arms.  
A comfort being this close to her.  
I feel settled and safe.  
She offers a feeling of safety.  
Safety and not feeling agitated.

 

With these set of thoughts filtering through her mind, Roxanna found herself once again closing her eyes for what was the third time that day in the presence of Alex, closing her eyes and just allowing herself to be as she was in the present situation she found herself in.


	16. Chapter 16

"Does this clock actually go forward when you're on a night shift and have paperwork to plough through?" Roxanna mumbled to herself, it'd been a quiet night so far which made it a night for catching up on paperwork from the previous busy days, this made it a good and bad thing for it being quiet, good for not running around crazy, but also bad because it meant there was no excuse for not tackling said paperwork and getting it out of the way, it had to be done of course, but was there any need for this much of it, surely there wasn't this much before, there was other bits that had been added over the past couple of days the blonde could've been sure of it.  
  
  
  
A rumble from her phone next to her on the desk.  
Signalling a message.  
What message would be the next question.  
A good one.  
No emergencies or anymore paperwork please.  
  
  
With her pen on the desk, Roxanna picked up her phone and couldn't help a smile as she saw the name attached to said message.  
  
Alex.  
  
  
**Evening, I hope your night shift is going well and you're ok, I was just sat here thinking if I could possibly interest you in some breakfast after your shift, my treat? No worries if not I just thought I'd ask :) xx**  
  
  
  
The brunette had the night off and was at home, which was probably the better option given how busy the last few days and shifts had been, got lucky not being on the night shift, even though they weren't that busy now, since she'd been at home and known Roxanna was in on the night shift she thought she'd message her and see how she was and ask her question to her, not quite sure of the blondes response.  
Reading the message a couple of times, since the offer had surprised her, it made her feel somewhat flattered and a bit funny inside because the younger woman had thought about her enough to message her and ask her if she'd like to do something like this with her after work, to spend time with her, time that would mean Alex would be getting up early, early on her few days off and early to come and take her to breakfast, all this because she wants to spend time with Roxanna, something not many people at all had wanted to do for rather a long time, it was simple things that meant a lot to her and it wasn't something a lot of people seemed to understand or pick up on with her.  
  
  
  
**_Hi, I'm ok thank you, it's quite quiet here tonight, so quiet in fact that I'm in my office attempting to plough through the mountain of paperwork that has accumulated on my desk, the joy. As for your offer...I'm not...it's something that I'm not quite used to, going to breakfast with someone, or someone taking me out for breakfast, I know it probably sounds silly... x_**  
  
  
  
Just as she'd picked up her pen again and put her phone back down, she heard said phone ringing, Alex's name flashing up on her screen, back down goes the pen and the call is answered.  
"Hey, I thought maybe you'd prefer it if I actually rang you up to ask you out for breakfast instead of a message?" Alex murmured softly down the phone, Roxanna able to hear the smile and kindness in her voice, the conversation then easing into the younger woman asking about how the neurosurgeons night shift and how she was doing, things that Roxanna didn't expect anyone to bother asking her, because it was about her so why would they bother asking about such things, but well she was being proven wrong with this particular phone call.  
  
  
  
As the call continue Roxanna could feel the corners of her mouth curling into a smile, the feeling of flattery and unable to help smile at the conversation with the other woman something she felt herself not able to prevent showing on her face, her voice seeming to give away the fact that she was smiling too it seemed that Alex had heard it too, she'd picked up on the slight change in tone of the other woman's voice, a change she liked, especially when it meant that Roxanna was smiling and smiling during their conversation, she especially liked this. "I like hearing you do that...smile, it's what you should be doing, what you deserve to do" cue another smile from the blonde, feeling shy even though she knew she was on her own in the office, she couldn't help but feel shy, it was her being the topic of this part of the conversation after all.  
  
  
  
She hears me smiling.  
Hears it even if she can't see me.  
How.  
No one has heard this before.  
They don't see things like this.  
They don't hear them.  
Not about me.  
I'm just...me...just usually one of the 'quiet ones'.  
And usually quiet ones don't get seen a lot.  
Well unless it's in a professional capacity.  
I get seen then.  
I get called upon then.  
But apart from that not often.  
  
  
  
"Are you...are you usually like this with people....with women?" Roxanna asked quietly, her tone one of curiosity in regards to the other woman, not quite sure of the answer she expected Alex to give her, it could be that actually Roxanna was one of many women or people the brunette treated in this way, that this was just normal and she herself wasn't anything different in order that it was only her or a handful of others that the younger woman would treat like this.  
"Not everyone no, only the individuals, or in this case individual that I like and that I like spending time with and would like if possible to spend more time with. Said individual that I'm speaking to at the moment I happen to think and feel is quite a special someone, a unique person" letting her words sink in for the neurosurgeon on the other end of the phone, unaware that the blonde's cheeks had flushed as she'd spoken and described a little of how she saw Roxanna, it being a first to be described this way by someone else, and no other woman had ever said these things about her, she wasn't usually one to get close to other women, not really feeling that she 'fit in' with them, that somehow she was different and maybe too quiet and quirky to fully fit in.  
  
  
  
Glancing around her office, even though there was no one here, Roxanna moistened her lips, her voice lowering to nearly a whisper as she shyly replied. "I erm...I'm not used to someone....someone speaking about me like this or hearing it, and being....being asked out for breakfast" her brain replaying what she'd just said and wondering if it sounded totally ridiculously stupid to the other woman or if she should have said anything at all, bit late now Roxanna, the beauty of hindsight eh.  
"I understand this and it's ok, I wouldn't do anything to make you feel uncomfortable or pressured, nor would I lie to you, I've no reason to do this, all I want is to spend some more time with you and get to know you more, if you'd let me and like to spend time with me of course?".  
  
  
  
The genuine words and sentiment made their presence known to the blonde neurosurgeon on the other end of the phone, the message of Alex's honesty and transparency not lost on her, it seeming to calm her somewhat about her admission of this situation being a bit new to her, as well as making her feel that bit more comfortable in talking to Alex and how the brunette felt about Roxanna as a person, as a woman.  
  
  
"I'd like to go out to breakfast with you please, yes" feeling the rise of her own cheeks as she accepted Alex's offer, what was this smiling, it seems it had started happening on a regular basis since she'd started talking to a certain brunette, smiling there's a novelty. With a time and place arranged, the blonde finished her shift and then made her way to said destination, not quite knowing what to expect from this breakfast they were going to have together, well she'd never been taken out for breakfast before and certainly not by another woman.  
  
  
  
It turns out she need not have worried, Alex being there waiting for her, on time of course since it was Alex, the brunette was certainly punctual, a quality that Roxanna liked a lot, amongst others that she was discovering Alex had, with food and drinks ordered they enjoyed the others company, the conversation easy and flowing, conversation being something that Roxanna found a good marker as to whether she'd get on with someone or not, since she couldn't say that she'd been able to have lots of meaningful and long conversations with lots of people, there was something about her that didn't seem to connect with lots of people, almost like they didn't quite understand her, or that it felt like they didn't want to take the time to get to know her, due to it taking that bit more time and effort for her to open up, not being one to not open up and trust easily, so due to this it seemed that people gave up on her easily due to her taking a bit more time to relax and open up, these 'issues' seemingly not a problem with the younger brunette, Alex easy going and laid back, her patient nature made Roxanna feel a certain aura of calmness, feeling like she could just be herself and this wouldn't be judged or made fun of, nor would Alex lose patience or interest, now these things all together were rarities she'd not found in many people, especially towards herself.  
  
  
  
Dropping Alex off outside her apartment, since Alex had walked to the quaint coffee bar she'd chosen, the blonde pulled her car up right up at the front for Alex to get out and have a short journey on foot to the main door of her building, turning her head as she put the handbrake on to look at the brunette who had removed her seatbelt by this time and was looking back at her.  
  
  
  
"Thank you for a nice time at breakfast and for coming out with me" giving Roxanna a kind smile, her green eyes sparkling as she spoke the words. "Thank you for inviting me and for breakfast, I had a nice time" returning the younger woman a smile of her own, saying nothing more as she leaned over into the gap which dissolved at her action, placing a gentle kiss on Alex's right cheek and then sitting back in her driver's seat.  
  
  
  
"Anytime" still smiling as she gave a nod to Roxanna and then got out of the car, closing the door, feeling her own smile growing into a soft grin as she stood on the pavement and watched the car pull away from the pavement and then head off down the road before disappearing around the corner and out of sight.


	17. Chapter 17

Thinking time.  
It's a good thing to do.   
The peace at being with your own thoughts.   
Process.  
Just be.   
The still.   
The calm.   
Even better when you've someone to think of.   
  
  
  
Just the situation Alex presently found herself in.   
The brunette was sat on her sofa not long back from work, but long enough to have changed into her joggers and t shirt, flicking the kettle on to make herself a cup of tea before she then settled on the sofa, her mind then filling with thoughts of a certain blonde, well that wasn't strictly true, thoughts of her hadn't really ever left, especially since she'd been spending more time with the neurosurgeon and getting to know her better, having gotten to see a different side of Roxanna, this side being the vulnerable side, the soft side, the fact that since they'd been spending some more time together she'd seen the blonde start to act different at work, on the ward, this slight shift in the older woman's behaviour seeming to be spreading to work and not just out of work, Alex seeing some of the other staff slowly start to approach the neurosurgeon more to ask her things or ask for assistance, something hardly any of them would have done a few weeks ago, they'd go to Alex or go to another doctor just to avoid having to approach Roxanna, using her as a last option if there was no one else at all that they could go to, but things seem to be shifting, the atmosphere seemed to be lighter, even the younger F1's had started approaching Roxanna that bit more and smiling after she'd helped them, thanking her too on many of these occasions.   
Maybe they'd seen or felt a bit of a shift from the blonde, a shift that made them think about giving her a second chance, the benefit of the doubt, these things being afforded to her because they could see she was trying to be different, be better, that she was calmer, some might say 'nicer', if only they knew the reasons behind her being 'not nice' a few months ago.   
  
  
  
I'm sat here thinking about her.  
I didn't that I would like her.  
Like her as much as I seem to now.  
That bit more than before.   
But could it be more one way.   
More me towards her than her towards me.   
There's always a chance of that but it seems I can't help it.   
I can't seem to help liking her like I do.   
I'm quite surprised by how I feel about her.   
About how much I like her.   
Probably because I didn't expect it.   
I'd heard what people were saying about her, saying about her throughout the hospital.   
But then spending time with her.   
It seems that they don't really know her.   
Not properly.   
Properly enough to see past that shell.   
The protective shell she wears.   
Underneath that shell she's different.   
The 'real' her.   
The her I've been given a glimpse of.   
The person that I like.   
Someone not a lot of people have been able to see.   
  
  
  
Picking up her phone she paused before sending a text to the blonde.   
**Hey, I was just thinking of you and thought I'd send you a message to say, sorry if I'm disturbing you x**   
  
  
  
Well it's sent now, I can't un send it, the wait is on, the joy.   
  
  
She didn't have to wait long for a reply.   
  
  
_**Hi, you don't have to apologise, it's nice to hear from you and I just might have possibly been thinking of you too... x**_   
  
  
  
This message alone, this line and a quarter of text on a screen was enough to give Alex a funny feeling in her stomach and a smile to spread across her face.   
  
  
  
She was thinking about me too.  
Roxanna.   
Thinking about me.   
  
  
**I probably shouldn't say this but...I missed you today when you weren't in, sorry if it sounds too much I just wanted to tell you and let you know x  
  
  
  
** Now it was Roxanna's turn to get the funny feeling in her own stomach, reading such a message was a rarity for the neurosurgeon, she couldn't recall anyone sending her something like this, probably because they didn't miss her, people didn't usually miss her and definitely not just when she'd had a day off from work, usually they didn't miss her at all or at least that's what she thought herself, yet here was someone openly expressing that they missed her, missed her presence.   
It's someone expressing the fact that they like spending time with her, it's strange because it's about her that they're talking about, no one else but her, adding to this somewhat different situation the neurosurgeon found herself currently in was the fact that, Roxanna had started to slowly but surely feel comfortable around and also started to feel certain things that she had slowly started to creep up on her without her realising fully, said things resulting in a battle between her heart and head, a battle she'd not encountered before.   
  
  
  
After re reading the text message again, Roxanna typed out a reply.   
_**It's been...been odd not seeing you too, sorry I'm not good at voicing things of this nature, suffice to say I enjoyed having breakfast with you the other morning, it was nice, it was thoughtful of you to suggest it even though you weren't even at work that night and could've had a lay in that morning instead of getting up so early to come out for breakfast x**_   
Re reading what she'd written she then pressed send after deciding that it sounded like what she wanted to say, let's face it she wasn't ever going to be fully happy with what she typed because when it came to things like this Roxanna wasn't anywhere near good or comfortable in vocalising such things, this attempt was her good attempt, hopefully it conveyed the right message to Alex and the brunette understood what she was trying to say, hopefully.   
  
  
  
**Breakfast was no trouble , it's not something I find difficult in terms of being this way when the person I am spending the time with is you, someone who is such a lovely person, you're the best kind of company x  
** Maybe this is what they mean by over egging the pudding, but once Alex seemed to start texting the other woman it was something that seem to just pour out of her fingertips, like something took over and she couldn't help but tell Roxanna these things, well they say honesty is the best policy and this is definitely what was happening here under these circumstances with the neurosurgeon.  
  
  
  
The words 'lovely person' made Roxanna furrow her brow as she read the words again that were on her screen, words that Alex had sent to her, another person had sent those words to her, this other person being a woman, a younger woman.   
__**You shouldn't say this about me, it's not right, because I'm not a nice person not really, I'm a horrible one, one people think is hard work which is no doubt true I am hard work, no wonder they don't want to be around me at work or in general, I'm not nice x**   
  
  
  
Then the phone rang.   
The name flashing up on the screen for who was calling Roxanna's phone.   
Who else but Alex.  
After a few seconds the blonde answered the call.   
  
  
  
"All those things you just said about yourself, none of them are true, they're totally untrue, you're far from a horrible person, you're someone who has been through a lot but that doesn't equate to you being a bad or horrible person, it makes you a woman who has been through trauma and has gone through most of it alone with not much support and has started to come out of the other side but certain things due to this trauma are still somewhat raw and still healing which again is understandable. I see you though, I see who you are, underneath that quiet exterior which is part of you and I like what and who I see too. Just in case you wanted to know, I've dealt with enough arseholes and horrible people in my time, personally as well as professionally and you are definitely neither of these, you're the opposite of these kinds of people, so very much the opposite, believe me" her tone firm but also with a comforting undertone, a sincerity in her direct way of speaking to Roxanna caused the neurosurgeon to get a lump in her throat as she listened to Alex speak to her down the phone. "Roxanna...?" as there was quiet at the other end of the phone, her eyes narrowing slightly as she waited and listened.   
"Y...Yes.." came the small voice on the other end of the phone after a few more seconds of silence.   
"If I was there right now you know that I'd hug you because it's what you deserve but also, I think personally that I give pretty decent hugs too, not to blow my own trumpet or anything you know" she joked gently, hoping that the woman at the other end of the phone got the joking tone of what she'd just said, it was a bit late to take it back now if she didn't Alex.   
  
  
  
A chuckle.   
A chuckle from the other end of the phone.   
Roxanna's chuckle.   
  
  
  
It seemed the cheek of Alex's remark had the desired effect on the blonde.   
  
  
  
"I'd say that that is a much better sound to hear, you deserve to laugh and smile more, a lot more, add in your nice smile, well it's all going on" how could Roxanna not soften at these words, she couldn't, not at all, the selflessness of the brunette and how she thinks of Roxanna, tries to make her feel better, nothing too much but not too less either, it's just the right balance of understanding and a spark of humour thrown in, a balance that was striking a chord with the blonde, a chord that she didn't think existed for anyone to strike with her, definitely not with her and certainly not in a million years with a younger woman, that was a bolt from the blue.


	18. Chapter 18

There had been looks shared between the two women literally most of their shift, it was either Alex looking at Roxanna or Roxanna looking at Alex and then every so often they'd look at the same time and catch the other looking at them be it across the ward or coming down a corridor or at the nurses' station, giving out a little smile from one woman to the other, how or why someone hadn't said anything in the course of the shift in terms of their behaviour was anyone's guess, maybe they weren't taking much notice to see what was going on which given the circumstances for both women wasn't a bad thing really, it was almost nice to have this just between them, something that the rest of the ward and hospital wasn't privy to, something private and not open to gossip and whatever else something like this could be open to given what some of the F1 and certain senior members of staff could be like with things of this nature, some liked a gossip and chat about other people's private lives, this was nice that it wasn't being exposed to that nonsense.  
With their goodbyes said to the other as they went their separate ways from the hospital entrance, and then made their ways home apparently with little more in the way of discussion about what had gone on between them on their shift today.

 

A couple of knocks on the front door drew Roxanna's eyes from where they'd been on the floor as she'd just taken her boots off after hanging her coat up and putting her bag next to said boots on the floor, frowning softly as she wasn't expecting anyone, she never expected anyone if truth be told. Straightening up she padded to the front door and opened it, her eyebrows going in the opposite direction and rising towards her hair line as she saw Alex on the other side, the brunette being the last person she was expecting to see stood on her door step, the other woman saying nothing as she just stood and looked at the neurosurgeon for a few moments.

 

"I...I just...I had to come round, I couldn't help myself...I had to see you..." started Alex, the brunette feeling for her words, words that would match what she felt and what she wanted to say to the woman in front of her. "Do...do you trust me?".  
After a few seconds Roxanna nodded and replied with a "Yes" to Alex's question, watching then as the brunette stepped inside the front door to join Roxanna on her door mat she was currently standing on in her doorway, saying nothing as she felt Alex's eyes wander all over her face, the brunette then gently cradling the right side of her face with her right hand before leaning in and gently touching her lips to Roxanna's in a gentle and soft kiss.

 

After all the looks and smiles that had passed between them today over the course of their shift, and then neither of them saying anything as they left the building and then went home, well Alex had only gotten as far as her front door and hadn't even bothered putting the key in the lock before she turned right around and headed for Roxanna's house, her head filled with thoughts of the blonde and seeing her right then and there, she had a need to see her, to be near her.

 

Parting from the kiss she studies the other woman's face having heard Roxanna's breath hitch a little when she'd put her lips to hers, a hitch but not a request or ask for Alex to stop kissing her and she didn't feel the neurosurgeon pull away either, all good signs in the brunettes book.

 

"Are you ok?" Alex asked, wanting Roxanna to be ok at what she had just done, a fleeting thought washing over her at what she might say or do if Roxanna was to say she wasn't alright or didn't like it, god almighty then what?  
A nod from Roxanna, followed by a quite mumble of the words "I've never...with a....a woman...before..." the fractured sentence of words enough for Alex to get the general understanding of what she was trying to communicate to her.  
"I'm sorry for being so forward with that, I...I just I couldn't help myself it seems".  
"Why wouldn't you be able to help yourself, it's just...it's just me.." Roxanna mumbled unable to fully keep eye contact as she said the words to Alex, after all in her mind it was just her and people not being to help themselves is not something anyone else had had a problem with, especially not around her, she was nothing special in the grand scheme of things.  
"If it wasn't obvious I am rather fond of you and I do find you attractive, I fancy you if you want me to put it like that, if that gets the message across better. And I think that you feel something similar for me, even if this has come as a surprise to you and it's totally different to what you're used to feeling, a different experience in your life in this way" going silent as she finished speaking, her eyes wandering over Roxanna's face, trying to decipher the older woman's expression.

 

Someone speaking from the heart to her.  
Someone voicing what they felt for her.  
The feelings they felt they were developing for her.  
Another person, another woman actually seeing her.  
Seeing beneath the shell she wore.  
Someone who noticed her.  
No one else but her.  
Liked her for her.  
Wanted to spend time with her.

 

After a few minutes more of silence, Roxanna gave a nod that spoke a thousand words without uttering a single one, a nod that answered Alex's previous observations, this nod was followed by the blonde neurosurgeon leaning forward and resting her forehead against Alex's, another few seconds passing before she opened her mouth to whisper.  
"What you just did it felt....felt...nice" trying to find the right words to let Alex know that she liked the kiss they just shared, hoping that her lack of articulation would be made up for in their close contact at the moment when she spoke.  
Alex smiled at the words, said words bringing the brunette some form of comfort at hearing them.  
"I'll leave you in peace now, I just needed to see and be near you, especially after work today, I hope I haven't disturbed your evening" going to move and part their foreheads but Roxanna starting to speak stopping her.  
"You can come in if you'd like to" the soft offer gratefully accepted by the brunette and the two women came to be sat on Roxanna's sofa in the living room, the TV on low as they sat together, a glass of wine each on the coffee table, the situation being a new one for the blonde who wasn't used to having company like this in her house and on her sofa, not quite sure how to act or to ask for the contact that she felt like she wanted, how do you ask for that kind of contact from another woman?

 

How do you ask for that?  
Ask for that physical closeness.  
Do you just come out and say it?  
Do you not say it?  
Do you ask for it?  
But wouldn't asking for it sound silly?  
I'm not used to this.  
Not used to asking for things of this nature even though I may want them.  
I don't know how to do that.  
A grown woman who doesn't know how to ask for that.  
Or even if the other person, woman would even want to offer me that, or even like that kind of thing, that kind of thing with me.  
For fucks sake Roxanna.

 

Saying nothing as they sat together, Alex put her left arm up and along the back of the sofa, moving slightly so that she was able to put said arm around Roxanna's shoulders.  
"Is there something you'd like?" Alex asked casually, offering the opportunity to the blonde, if that's indeed what she wanted to do.  
Eyes moving from the TV that she wasn't really watching to Alex, still Roxanna said nothing but didn't need to in that exact moment as she closed the small remaining gap between them and leaned into Alex, this simple action enough to make Alex smile, using the arm currently around the other woman to cuddle them both close together, her head resting against Roxanna's, loving being able to smell the other woman's shampoo, the fruity yet floral hints hitting her nose and immediately being the scent she associated with being close to the older woman.

 

Smiling to herself as she snuggled further into Alex, Roxanna took the chance of their close contact to nuzzle her face into Alex's neck whilst resting her head against her shoulder, thus allowing herself to be that bit more vulnerable and give in to her feelings of wanting to be as close as physically possible to Alex, to be cuddled into Alex, all being done in the safety of her own home, at the same time as excepting Alex's kindness, trust and her want to hold her and be close to her, no underhand motives just a pure and simple want to be close to and spend time with Roxanna, they say the simple things are the best, this was certainly the truth right here and now. Pure and simple.


	19. Chapter 19

That feeling when you first wake up.  
Trying to fathom your surroundings.  
Who you are.  
Where you are.  
Squinting eyes.  
This was currently Alex right now.  
The brunette forcing her eyes wider to take in more of where she was.

 

Feeling a weight against her she looked to her left and found a soundly sleeping Roxanna curled up to her, the blonde having not moved all that much since they'd first cuddled up on the sofa, the TV still on low like it had been before, squinting her eyes against the glare in her half asleep state she saw that the clock on the far wall was showing it to be 2:30am, it seemed it was time to go home to actual bed and sleep.

 

Being as gentle as possible Alex moved the woman led against her to instead be led down on the sofa, being careful so she didn't wake her, pausing if Roxanna stirred a little and then continuing, getting up of the sofa herself, she glanced around the room and spotted a throw that was folded up and on the floor next to one of the chairs, picking it up and unfolding it, she draped it over the sleeping woman, watching Roxanna stir more as she covered her up, the blonde squinting her own eyes at the brunette as she saw Alex was awake and sleepily asking her what she was doing.  
"I'm covering you up so you can sleep and not get cold, we fell asleep on your sofa, it's 2:30 and I thought it was time I went home to bed" watching the blonde take on all this new information in her half asleep state, a cute as hell state if you'd have asked Alex right then and there.  
"You...you can stay if you want to, it felt...felt nice when we were close..." trying to wrestle with her brain to find the words to express that it felt nice to fall asleep with Alex and she'd like her to stay.

 

Alex couldn't help but smile at how cute this was of the other woman.  
"I'd like to stay" seeing Roxanna smile at her answer. "Where would you like me to sleep?" wanting Roxanna to decide where she slept seen as it was the blonde who wanted her to stay.  
Roxanna paused for a few seconds before answering.  
"Well...it was nice the way we were before" meaning how they fell asleep together, she must have been that comfortable that she fell asleep in that position.  
Rejoining Roxanna on the sofa and under the throw, Alex led on her back and the blonde was led on the inside with her back facing the back of the sofa, settling down half led on the brunette after she got no objections from Alex, as if she ever would anyway that wasn't going to happen, her right hand resting on the brunette's chest, sleepily snuggling into Alex, this action making the younger woman smile as she watched her, giving Roxanna's forehead a gentle kiss and saying in barely a whisper.  
"You're cute" inwardly enjoying the fact that she in fact didn't have to go home and leave Roxanna, also that she was able to lay on the sofa with Roxanna led on her like this, being able to watch the neurosurgeon in one of her most vulnerable states, a state she chose to let Alex see, that she wanted Alex to see her in, that she asked Alex to stay and see her in.  
"Comfy" came the word as the blonde was falling asleep, Alex only just being able to make the word out and only made it out because Roxanna was so close to her, the word being said by the neurosurgeon due to how she was feeling in her current position with the other woman.

 

Led on the sofa with Roxanna having already fallen back to sleep on her, Alex glanced around in the darkness of the room, the only sound now being heard was that of Roxanna's slow and steady breathing, this sound causing her to look down at the woman who was now fast asleep on her. 

 

In terms of progress between them as friends and developing more trust between them then this was definitely significant, it seemed to the brunette that Roxanna was relaxing that bit more with her, allowing herself to trust Alex that bit more, trusting that Alex herself had nothing but good intentions in terms of getting to know her and that she could start asking for things she wanted and needed, things she maybe hadn't been to ask for off people for rather a long time. Yes, Roxanna did actually like the physical contact that she was getting at the moment from Alex, this contact she seemed to be liking more and more, something she seems to Alex to have almost been deprived of, so much so that she'd stopped asking for it, stopped thinking that it'd ever be offered to her again, after all it was easier to not expect or ask for something you weren't going to get off anyone, or that no one would notice you needed anyway, easier to just stay where you were and quiet and not ask or expect anymore, and that's where Roxanna had seemed to be, the older woman used to not being noticed or helped so she'd given up on this side of things.

 

How can you feel that sad or invisible in life that you'd give up reaching out or asking for something as simple and basic as physical contact, contact that all of us need, contact that allows us to feel safe, feel cared for and feel loved. 

 

It seemed that after all Roxanna had been through not just recently but possibly in the past too, had come to a head and she'd found herself feeling invisible and unheard so she'd stopped reaching out, stopped asking, kept herself to herself and just got on with her work, stayed at work and put a crazy amount of overtime in, because if she was there at Holby then she was occupied, her mind and brain was occupied, it wasn't being allowed to think for more than a few moments about the things she wanted but couldn't have, things that were out of her reach, things that weren't about to be offered any time soon if at all ever to her by anyone, after all those things weren't for her, she didn't deserve them, she wasn't worthy of them, others were but not her, who would want to give them to her, to Roxanna MacMillan, the woman who'd not managed to save her own husband, and for this reason amongst others then she deserved the way she had been feeling, call it her punishment for her failings not only as a doctor but worse than that, her failings as a wife, that was worse than any failings she could ever have had thrust upon her in her life.

 

With some of these thoughts flowing through her head, Alex couldn't help but cuddle the woman in her arms tighter, placing a lingering but tender kiss on her forehead, allowing herself to close her eyes as she did so, it seemed that the thoughts of Roxanna feeling as she might have felt were painful for the brunette too and by closing her eyes she allowed herself a moment of relief, hoping that over time and with patience Roxanna would slowly feel better and more cared for too, people like Roxanna deserve to be cared for, maybe they deserve and need that bit more tlc than other people, things Alex wanted to make sure or help the woman in her arms to get.


	20. Chapter 20

Fiddling with her hands as she sat in the taxi, the car veering from the main country road they'd been travelling on and then down a smaller and more narrow drive, this giving way to trees and nicely kept grounds, a rather large house that looked like it could be a listed building on the left as the drive wrapped round a green in the middle to a barn on the right, the outside lit up just so with spot lights on the floor beaming up at intervals on the walls and a few spotlights along the guttering to beaming from the top to the bottom.  
Said barn is where the taxi pulled up to, it seemed it was a converted barn, a rather fancy looking restaurant converted barn, still fiddling with her hands, Roxanna stepped out of the taxi, Alex paying the driver and then getting out herself, no sooner was the door closed and he was off back around the green and away down the upside down tear drop shaped drive.  
"Well here we are" Alex smiled, looking at the blonde next to her, the blond that was dressed in loose fitting suit trousers and a dressy style vest top, her hair just so, jewellery, slip on pointed high heels and make up finishing her look, looking amazing if Alex had been asked her opinion when Roxanna had appeared out of her front door before she got into the taxi earlier that evening. Alex herself opting for a slim fit shirt, suit trousers, brogues, her customary straight as a die bob and her simple jewellery and nature look with a slight touch of eye liner, Alex was very much less is more.

 

"I...I can't" were the two words suddenly blurted into the night air between the two women, the words causing Alex to frown, confused.  
"Say again?".  
"I can't" was repeated, Roxanna looking at Alex, her green eyes showing a veil of nerves that had amplified into a fear, a fear that Alex could see ghosting over the older woman.  
Saying nothing Alex gently moved them both out of the way of being stood on the drive and near to the main entrance of the restaurant, over to the side of the building so that it was somewhat more private and other guests that were coming to dine here wouldn't be watching and listening to their conversation.  
"Why can't you hmm?" Alex questioned softly, wanting to try and understand what was happening right here and now.  
Roxanna gave a swallow before she started speaking, trying to at least compose herself enough to try and speak.  
"I just....I feel out of place, that I shouldn't be here, that maybe...maybe I don't deserve this, to be here in a place like this, with....with someone like you...as good as you" her fractured words trying to be strung together so they were at least in some kind of sense so she herself understood what she was saying, it seems that her nerves having never done anything like this with another woman were taking over, filling the blonde with blind panic, panic that felt like it was racing through her veins, taking over her system, add in her lack of confidence and it made for a lethal cocktail of pure white fear and apprehension and the reaction Alex was seeing right now.

 

"If this was the case and I myself thought these things do you think that I'd have invited you here in the first place, I happen to think that you deserve to be here more than any other person here..." pausing to take a sigh half way through speaking, a somewhat dejected sigh, her eyes closing momentarily then connecting back to the neurosurgeons. "Look....Look if I'm that difficult to come out for food with, if it's going to cause you this much aggro and stress then maybe we shouldn't bother" her face and demeanour dropping considerably as she said this, her expression of excitement and happiness that had been there since she'd arrived in the taxi to pick Roxanna up, evaporating to now one of resignation that they'd end up ringing a taxi to return them to their separate homes they'd left just under an hour or so ago. 

 

She knew what she wanted.  
All she wanted was for Roxanna to believe, to believe and listen to her when she said about wanting to actually be here with her since she was the one who invited the blonde in the first place, to have a little faith in the both of them and their relationship especially given how they'd been enjoying their time together and how much progress they'd made, but mostly she wanted Roxanna to have more confidence in herself and their time together, because Alex enjoyed the older woman's company more than any other woman she'd spent time with before.

 

Without looking at Roxanna anymore Alex spun on her heels and went to step away, Roxanna being the one to keep her eyes on the brunette in front of her, seeing her expression and body language change quickly, from one extreme to the other, from happy to sad, the look of Alex being sad and upset seemed to do something to the blonde, seemed to strike a chord with her, one deep inside her, hearing Alex's words, words she'd said about her and how Roxanna's own nervous behaviour and insecurities had come out and made Alex think that actually it was her own fault, that Roxanna didn't want to be here with her, that she was the one that caused her to behave and feel like this, but it isn't. Alex had due to knowing how Roxanna felt about these new revelations in her life about liking Alex and wanting to spend time with her, but not under the prying eyes of people she may know until she was comfortable, she'd chosen this particular restaurant that wasn't in the middle of the city, it was in the countryside, more private and secluded, more protected, and all this for Roxanna, not the actions of someone who doesn't consider you good and nice company, or want to have that one on one time with you, this was the total opposite, this was Alex.

 

Quickly stepping forward she put her hand on one of Alex's shoulders, this sudden touch making the other woman turn back round so she was facing Roxanna again, looking at her slightly confused, still saying nothing Roxanna steps into the small gap between them and gently pecked Alex on the lips, at the same time as squeezing Alex's right hand and then whispering.  
"I do want to have this meal with you and to enjoy our night together, I wouldn't want to be here with anyone else" hoping the sentiment carried across and her words were ones that were enough to get her message across, it was her swallowing some of her own fears and insecurities, allowing herself to welcome Alex's kind and thoughtful gestures because Alex was a genuine woman who wanted to be here with her, she wanted to be here with Roxanna, no one else, hence why they were here now.

 

Both women had enjoyed a lovely meal together, sharing small talk across the table, occasional laughs if the shared something funny, or it was something the other found funny, even Roxanna herself felt the tension and nerves lift that she'd previously felt when stood at the main doors when they'd arrived in the taxi, coming to realise that not everyone was looking at them both, the other diners being more interested in their own meals and friends and family they'd come here with than the two women who'd come out for a meal together.  
Each clutching their glasses of wine, Alex also carrying the bottle with the remaining wine in it, they stepped outside to the comfy seating area that was on one side of the restaurant overlooking the pond that was next to the barn, taking up one of the outdoor sofas, both women put their wine glasses on the matching table in front of them, the bottle in the middle of the glasses, before they then got cosy on the sofa, Roxanna closing the minute gap that there was between them, their bodies literally touching after she did this, this being something that Alex liked and she herself responded to by slipping her arm around Roxanna's back and resting her hand over the hip of the blonde that was furthest away from her, an action that the other woman seemed to like as she relaxed into the touch that bit more.

 

"Thank you for the food and for inviting me here" came the soft acknowledgement from the older woman, glancing to Alex as she spoke.  
Alex gave a little nod.  
"You're welcome anytime" giving a smile to her companion as she then found herself wandering her eyes over Roxanna's face, yes she'd seen the blonde's face on numerous occasions but it seems she couldn't help but look at her like this, she found her that attractive that this was something she couldn't resist doing, she really enjoyed looking at that face, at and into those eyes, those green eyes, how couldn't anyone not like that?  
"I erm...I would like..to kiss you" Alex herself unsure of whether Roxanna would actually like to be kissed, and to be kissed here and by her, the older woman might not want that from her, not be remotely interested in that, or the thought of it, all these thoughts making the brunette's words falter and be rather quiet.  
"You...You can if you want to" was the whispered reply, there was something about being here in these surroundings, the peace and the quiet, the company of Alex, patience and kind, also handsome, attractive and easy going Alex, handsome that was a word that you could use for a woman wasn't it, it wasn't a derogatory term, not to Roxanna anyway, she thought Alex was handsome, handsome in a smart looking and clean cut way, not just in how the younger woman dressed, but in how she was as a person.  
"It's not just down to me, would you like too as well?" wanting it to be a mutual thing, not just a one sided thing and this only coming from Alex.  
Within a few seconds Roxanna answered.  
"Yes" this one word causing Alex's face to break into a soft smile as she leaned forward, cupping the right side of Roxanna's face and then touching their lips together as they started to kiss.

 

Almost from the moment that Alex fully put her lips on hers, Roxanna felt a somewhat fuzzy and warm feeling start to rise inside, it started from her stomach and worked its way upwards, something that Alex herself had begun to feel when she felt both of Roxanna's hands make contact with the bottom of her neck, just where it joins her shoulders, both resting here as they continued to share their slow but deep kiss, the older woman feeling herself melting into the younger woman and at the way she kisses and holds her face as she did so, never had she had someone cup her face so tenderly as they kissed her before, she'd also never found herself liking the way someone kissed her, it seemed that the way Alex did it was a way that Roxanna enjoyed very much, she hadn't minded kissing in the past, but being kissed by the brunette and getting to kiss her back seemed to have changed this in such a way that she now found herself enjoying it more than any kiss she'd had in the past, Alex just had a way that she kissed her.  
With lips slowly parting, the two women looked at each other, chests heaving a little as their lungs filled with fresh air they'd been denied for the past however long it'd been.

 

"W...Wow" was the breathy word Alex managed into the space between them, it seemed that was the only thing she could say in her post kiss haze, her eyes seeing how the woman across from her seemed to have a glazed over expression, almost as if she was day dreaming. "You ok?".  
The question seemed to rouse Roxanna from her conscious slumber and bring her attention back to the present and to the other woman.  
"Yes I'm fine...I'm fine it just, it just took my breath away...in a good way though, in a good way" the words of it being a good way being repeated drew a wide smile out of the brunette, which Roxanna was quick to mirror as they sat on the sofa together, seems the feeling was mutual.


	21. Chapter 21

Sat in her office, her mind buzzing, actually feeling like it was buzzing, buzzing with the same repetitive thought, about one thing and one thing only.  
The kiss.  
The kiss she'd shared the other night with Alex.

 

Should she have shared a kiss with her?  
Was it wrong?  
Was it something that wasn't right for her to do?  
Something she should never have done and especially with Alex, another woman.

 

Sighing to herself and unable to sit still, feeling agitated with her own whirring thoughts, she stood up from her chair and left her office, not even speaking to anyone else as she left the ward and headed for another part of the hospital.  
AAU.  
The haven that AAU, well one person she found to be a haven for her.  
Serena.  
A confidante for her, a close friendship she'd never had before with another woman.

 

Tapping softly on the office door and hearing Serena on the other side invite her in, Roxanna quickly made her way inside and shut the door behind her, Serena looking up from her paperwork on the desk that she was working, oh Roxanna understood the burden of the dreaded paperwork, she'd done and had enough of her own.  
Sitting on one of the visitors chairs not far from the brunette the nervous fiddling and playing with her hands resumed, before the blonde suddenly blurted out how she'd been invited out for a meal with Alex, Roxanna's voice getting that bit quieter and her eye contact dropping off a little as she revealed to her friend how she and Alex kissed whilst sat on the outside sofa in the restaurant grounds, but since they'd shared the kiss she has been a bit unsure about whether she should've kissed Alex, or if it'd been 'wrong' for it to have happened at all, this doubt in herself and her actions seemed to show a bit of how lacking in self esteem that she'd been suffering for a good number of months if not years.

 

Do I actually deserve someone like Alex in my life?  
She could be in someone else's, someone who is better than me.  
I'm not exactly a good person.  
Not compared to other people.  
Other people are better than me.  
Serena is an example of someone better me.  
And I'm not used to someone giving me the attention and time that Alex is.  
She's giving me things that no one usually gives me.  
Treating how I'm not used to being treated by someone.

 

Listening to her friend speak about her night out or should that be date with Alex, Serena saw Roxanna's face change a few times as she told her story, the look of uncertainty within herself, unsure of the encounter she'd had with Alex, the conflict of whether it was 'right or wrong', Serena herself having decided almost immediately that it wasn't wrong at all, that Alex obviously liked Roxanna a lot and despite Roxanna's inexperience of anything like this with a woman, she in her own way liked the younger woman, it seemed that the neurosurgeon had taken a hit to her confidence of late and this was adding to her insecurity in being able to tell her mind that this kind of thing was all alright, and that she deserved this good treatment and kindness that Alex was offering to her.

 

"Let me ask you this, did you enjoy going out with Alex, did you like it when you kissed?" then going quiet as she let Roxanna think about the question and answer her, the brunette already with an idea of what her friends answer was going to be.  
Flicking her eyes to her hands, she then moved them back to look at Serena, giving a little swallow before answering the question with and nod and then saying.  
"Y...Yes, yes to both things" shifting a little on the chair as she admitted this to Serena, never in her life did she think she'd been sitting here having this conversation.  
"In my opinion, given what you said and how much of a nice time you had the other night and the kiss you and Alex shared, none of this seems 'wrong', it seems that Alex is becoming rather fond of you, which is also something I don't see as a bad thing, I understand that it's something different for you, something new, but I don't see it as wrong, not at all, it's just something that you're not used to if that's a different way of looking at it. I do appreciate the nature of the situation given David's death and the heartache and pain that that has and continues to cause you, but if he could be here now talking to you what would he be saying to you?" this putting the ball back in Roxanna's court, giving her the chance to think and process more of what is happening and going on in this situation, whilst also giving her maybe a slightly different perspective on the recent events.  
Then silence descended on the office as Roxanna thought, thought about what had been happening recently and how David would respond if he was here or could speak to her now, what would he say?

 

"He'd...He'd probably...He'd probably tell me to be happy.." gathering herself to carry on speaking. "He'd want me to be happy".  
"And are you happy at the moment in this situation, happy with how things are with Alex?".  
"I feel...I feel..." pausing and giving a little sigh as she tried to actually vocalise what was in her head. "I feel...a sense of comfort with her, an acceptance in me as a person, safety in a silly way. I didn't...didn't expect to have someone act as she does towards me, she's really kind" trying to explain how she didn't think that anyone would be attracted to her in anyway after David died, let alone another woman, and this woman being a younger one.

 

Listening to her friend speak, Serena couldn't help but smile at Roxanna's admission of how she was feeling towards Alex, liking how her friend felt able to trust and therefore share such things with her, some of the things the neurosurgeon was saying weren't too far off how Serena herself had felt in the past.  
"It sounds like Alex is treating you well and is rather a good person for you to have around, I also don't think that she's the type of person to not voice if she wasn't happy in anyway, she's more than capable of speaking up for herself that I do know, in this situation she seems rather happy with how things are going with you" pausing before adding. "I don't know much about grand romantic gestures, but maybe you could express a bit of how much you enjoy Alex's company, maybe doing something together, if she's anything like Bernie, less is more to them, they don't require anything big and or expensive, they like less is more and from what you've told me about how Alex is with you, she simply likes spending time with you, quality time, just time with you, she doesn't seem to require much else" Serena smiled at her friend, as she thought of how similar Alex was in this respect to Bernie, how Bernie didn't require massive amounts of grand gestures and simply just enjoyed being with Serena, seeing Roxanna's expression change to one of a woman whose mind was started to work and think at Serena's words, the brunette may very well have a good point and have made a good suggestion about Alex, what can I plan or suggest that Alex may like? 

 

Thinking caps on Roxanna, thinking caps on.


	22. Chapter 22

It was just a question.  
A simple question.  
One that had a simple yes or no answer.  
Well in theory it was.  
Definitely in theory.  
But to Roxanna it seemed that bit more of a big deal.  
A big deal due to who she was asking the question too.  
Alex.

 

The woman who sat on the other side of the wall in the staff room.  
The woman who Roxanna was currently looking through the little glass window at.

 

Taking a deep breath she pushed the door open and stepped into the staff room, currently feeling like she was stepping into the abyss if truth be told.  
"Hey" Alex smiled up at the blonde, she always smiled at her, how could she not?  
Roxanna give her a little smile back.   
"Hi" before sitting down on the chair next to the brunette, her hands on the table which she was fiddling with. "Are erm....are you busy at all tomorrow night?" tomorrow being Saturday and although they were both in work, they were on early shifts and were off on the Sunday, yes she'd checked the rotas, if she was going to ask the question then she liked to know that they had time to spend together without work impacting this, so the rotas were checked.  
"Not that I know of why?" Alex now curious as to why Roxanna asked her.  
"Well I...erm....I don't..I don't suppose you'd like to come to mine for some dinner after work?" a quick look to her hands and then up at Alex, having not asked a woman for dinner before she wasn't sure if this is how you did, but well it was all Roxanna had in terms of a way to ask the other woman, the brunette smiling back at her softly.  
"I'd love to come over for dinner" the answer an instant nerve settler for the blonde, she's coming over Roxanna, she's accepted your offer.

 

The next day in the early evening smells of home cooking was wafting around the kitchen of the neurosurgeon, Roxanna running the kitchen like a military operation, oh the irony given her dinner guest, everything cooking nicely, her outfit of black trousers and a blue satin, dressy vest top hidden beneath her apron that she took off as she heard the door bell, her nerves then bubbling like the water in one of the pans on the cooker, her guest was here.

 

The table was set.  
Napkins neat.  
Candles lit.  
Plates ready on the side of the kitchen.  
Now to answer the door Roxanna.

 

Opening the front door stood a smiling Alex, the brunette in her short sleeved shirt with a couple of buttons open at the top, black trousers and wing tipped brogues, smart for her dinner with the blonde, but also clutching a rather lovely bunch of flowers, said flowers that she passed over to the woman inside the house.  
"For you" smiling as Roxanna took the flowers, well a lady deserves flowers, especially the one in front of Alex right now of course.  
"Thank you they're lovely, please come in" stepping aside to allow Alex to come in the house.  
A little while later Alex was stood in Roxanna's kitchen sipping a bottle of beer whilst the blonde was a little way across the kitchen pruning the flowers she'd been given, unable to help glance out of the corner of her eye at her dinner guest, Alex seeing her do this, feeling the nerves in the kitchen coming from the older woman, she didn't need words to see Roxanna was nervous, she could feel it, sense it from her.  
Silently moving over to the other woman, she placed her beer on the kitchen island behind both of them, coming to stand behind Roxanna, a hand resting either side of the blondes hips on the cool, granite work surface, dipping her head to whisper in Roxanna's ear.  
"The food smells delicious, you look beautiful, and I know that I'm going to have the best time tonight 'cause I'm with you, you don't need to be as nervous eh" placing a kiss on Roxanna's hair just next to her temple, the words and gesture seeming to have an effect on the woman in front of her, as Roxanna rested back against Alex's front, this causing Alex to put her arms around the older woman's waist just standing and holding her, Roxanna releasing her hands from the flowers and placing them over Alex's around her waist, leaning back even more into the brunette behind her.

 

I can't remember a time or the last time I was held this way.  
With such a sense of comfort and ease.  
Someone doing it of their own accord.  
Because they want to.  
Feeling such a sense of comfort washing over her, it was like she was for that time in a bubble, a happy bubble, one all of her own, in her own home.

 

"Are you ok?" Alex asks at the prolonged silence of the other woman.  
"Yes, I am now you're here" came the whispered reply, this being the first time Roxanna had ever said anything like this to Alex, but then and there, stood in Alex's arms it was how she felt, it was the truth, she was ok now that Alex was there, the sentiment in the words making Alex melt a bit inside, feeling Roxanna then half turn in her arms to share a gentle kiss with her, once again showing her growing comfort at being around and in the company of the younger woman, as well as feeling that she's able to express herself more and the slow way her confidence is increasing, helped by the fact she's in her own home.  
Lips parting from the kiss, Alex squeezed the older woman, smiling widely as she did so, loving the feel of Roxanna in her arms.  
Having watched Alex eat every bit of the food that she'd cooked and served her gave Roxanna a sense of satisfaction, a little inward pat on the back, that she'd got the menu right for the both of them tonight, Alex standing up at the same time as Roxanna, the blonde collecting their plates.  
"I can wash up y'know" Alex offered seeing as the other woman had done all the meal preparation and cooking, thinking she could help by doing the washing up for her.  
"No need to I've got a dishwasher" thinking that Alex as the guest shouldn't be doing chores like washing up or tidying up.  
"I'll fill the dishwasher up for you then" came the quick and cheeky reply, not waiting for a reply off the other woman, as she took the plates out of Roxanna hands and headed for the dishwasher.

 

Standing to the side, before leaning against the work surface, Roxanna watched the younger woman making short work of filling up the dishwasher, Alex is a quick worker in many aspects it seems, stepping so she was stood just behind the brunette who was bent down putting the last bits of cutlery in with the other pots, slowly half turning and looking up at the company who was stood behind her.  
"Oh hello" Alex smiled on now being stood up straight and looking at Roxanna, the blonde smiling back at her.  
Closing the gap between them, Roxanna kept her eyes on Alex, gently and almost shyly touching her lips to the brunette's, surprising Alex somewhat as her hands found their way to rest on the younger woman's hips, the touch being a pleasant surprise because the older woman had done it of her own free will, she'd done it because she wanted to, done it without any prompting from Alex.  
As they parted from the kiss, Alex's hands remained on the small of Roxanna's back, the place they'd made their way to naturally as Roxanna had leant in to kiss her, not wanting to move them from being against the blonde, she liked where they were and Roxanna herself wasn't speaking about having objections to them either.  
"That was nice" Alex said her smile turning into a soft grin, she couldn't help it, cat that got the cream was about right.  
This comment and the smile that went with it was more than enough for Roxanna's smile to curve into a soft grin, this expression enough for Alex to know that the older woman agreed with her before she confirmed it herself.   
"It was nice yes".

 

Making their way through to the living room, complete with wine glasses and an extra bottle, well they were off the next day after all, they take their places next to each other on the sofa, Roxanna silently taking Alex's hand after a few minutes of the TV being on low and both women glancing at it, their attention then turning to what the blonde was doing, Alex looking down as the older woman took Alex's left hand in her right one and linked their fingers, somewhat surprised at Roxanna's action, watching as the neurosurgeon looked at their joined hands, this being the first time that she'd looked as she held anyone's hand before, not that she'd held many people's hand, hardly anyone's if truth be told, Alex's was the first in a very long time that she'd held.  
Staying still on the sofa Alex said nothing as she watched what Roxanna was doing, patiently waiting to see what the other woman was going to do or say, quite happy just to sit here as she was.  
After a few more minutes of looking at their hands, Roxanna then slowly looked up to Alex and smiled softly, then she spoke, simply saying.  
"Thank you".  
"What's that for?".  
"For being here tonight, for the support you've given me over the past weeks and months, and that that you continue to give me, to let you know that I appreciate it a great deal and it means a lot to me, it's something that I've never been used to having in my life, but having it come from you and being a continued feature recently, well it means more than I can express here and now" the sentiment oozing out of her words, wanting to show and tell Alex that she recognises the support that the brunette has extended to her, even when things have been tricky between them, that Alex didn't have to do any of it, but Roxanna is grateful for all she's gotten and continues to get, also what Alex brings into her life, things she hasn't had before.

 

And it was true, the blonde had felt herself feeling different with Alex being in her life, being around the younger woman, spending time with her, it's a good different though, a different that's an improvement inside herself, being able to open up that bit more and express herself to someone else, another woman, something she's not been able to do with another woman apart from Serena and now Alex.  
"You're welcome" she replied quietly, leaning forward and gently touched her lips to Roxanna's, the pair of them then starting to turn the gentle kiss into a more passionate one, Alex being careful in the sense of not being fully sure how much or how far she could go in terms of how much physical contact Roxanna wants or indeed likes, call it a learning curve still for the brunette and one she wanted to get right, out of respect for Roxanna and the relationship that they were both building.  
Lips gently parting from the kiss, both women looking at one another, Roxanna moistened her lips again before speaking.  
"Would erm...Would you like to stay tonight, I erm...I have a spare room" knowing the addition of the last bit of the sentence could put some people off, hoping that it didn't matter to Alex.  
Alex gave a soft smile and a little nod at the offer.  
"I really like that yeah" the brunette not bothered in the slightest by being offered the spare room, if that made Roxanna comfortable then that was totally fine by her, just being grateful to be able to spend time with the blonde and not being bothered by anything else, as long as Roxanna was happy, then Alex was too.


	23. Chapter 23

It couldn't have been that long, a few hours at the most, a few hours since both women had retired to their separate bedrooms, Roxanna in her bedroom and Alex in the spare room, the brunette giving the blonde a gentle kiss on her cheek as they went their different ways, quite happy to settle down in the comfy double bed in the spare room.  
Dozing and just about to make that transition into a deep state of sleep, Alex felt herself falling, just as she was about to make the swap from lighter to deep sleep, a noise.

 

The bedroom door.  
It slowly opened and then footsteps.  
Footsteps across the carpet, moving into the room and then coming to a halt beside the bed, the bed that Alex was currently in.

 

Opening her eyes and peering into the pitch black, trying to get them to focus on what little details they could make out with zero light in the room, she was able to see the figure of Roxanna next to her, the older woman dressed in her pjyamas, the details being that bit clearer as a strip of light from the moon outside illuminated the stood up figure, Alex was able to see she was dressed in pink checked bottoms and a loose fitting t shirt.  
"Are you ok?" thinking maybe the other woman needed her help because she wasn't feeling well or may have hurt herself, or maybe some other matter that she needed help with.  
"Yes" she nodded, this answer seeming to confuse a still half asleep brunette, watching the older woman silently go to turn back around being stopped by Alex grabbing her left hand with her own left hand, flicking the bedside lamp on with her right as she sat up a little in the bed, looking towards the older woman and raising her eyebrows in a question.

 

Then a pause.  
A quite a long one.  
Roxanna looking at the younger woman in her spare bed as she did so.  
It was thinking time.  
The cogs in that neurosurgeons brain of hers turning and whirring.  
Deciding on her choice of words.  
The way to say them.  
To deliver them to Alex.

 

"I erm.....I don't...I don't want to sleep alone when you're here tonight..." her face screwing up a little at how she'd chosen to voice her feelings, wondering if it sounded silly or not.  
Saying nothing Alex simply shifted to the left a little more and opened the duvet on the empty side of the bed to allow Roxanna to get in beside her, climbing into the bed beside the younger woman the older blonde seemed to automatically turn onto her side and face outwards, this causing Alex to also turn onto her side after being on her back and then snuggling into the back of the older woman, after a few moments deciding to see what would happen when she slipped her hands and arms around Roxanna's waist.  
On feeling the touch of Alex, Roxanna waited a few moments before she made her move, this move being tightening Alex's arms around her and then snuggling back against the brunette some more, unable to see the wide smile that had curved onto Alex's face as they snuggled closer together, the closest that the neurosurgeon could ever claimed she'd been to another woman in bed, in this kind of intimate setting, Alex was the first in that respect, well in many respects truth be told.  
"That's better" came the small whisper from the neurosurgeon at feeling the younger woman tight up against her back, teamed with Alex's arms around her, the safety of these two things together, giving Alex's hands a little squeeze for a bit of extra measure.  
"I..I really like spending time with you like this, being close to you, being able to have you close to me" Alex offered back softly, and it was true, she found this to be one of her favourite times with the older woman.  
"I...I erm...I've not been....like...like this with anyone at all for....for quite a long time. People...they don't get close to me, they do the opposite, they stay away, there must be something really...really wrong with me.." her voice barely a whisper as she spoke, swallowing down a lump in her throat that had appeared as she listened to her own words, the weight of what she was saying hitting her.

 

And it was true, she did think these things, let's face it people stay away from her, they don't like her, she makes them back off because of how she is, her nature, she didn't mean to, she didn't mean to scare them off or to make them back off, she was scared, scared of them getting close, because what happens when people get close, especially to her, they then leave, in some way shape or form they leave, or they hurt her, they wound her, or she hurts them, not on purpose but it's happened, and the guilt she's felt in the past when she's felt this level of inadequacy, the optimum level being towards David and when he died, that was as bad as it gets, nothing hits your heart like not being good enough to save someone you love, it seemed to fit right, because Roxanna wasn't good enough on any level was she?

 

"Hey...don't say that, there's nothing 'wrong' with you, you've been through so much in such a short space of time and you've had to cope with it all on your own, you felt this was the right way and because you're not someone who rants and raves in front of everyone or draws that kind of attention, people don't see that you need help, but the 'right' people see you, your friends here see you like Serena, Henrik and others, and I see you, I see who you are and I like what and who I see, hence why I like spending time with you and being close to you, and I think you like it too, with the right people and person you like that closeness, it's something that you really enjoy and you're good at it, you're good at that being close stuff, it's just gotta be the right people for you to be close with and you excel at it, just like now" Alex gave back softly, squeezing the older woman to her again as she finished speaking, she didn't want Roxanna to say those untrue things about herself, the woman needed building up, not knocking down anymore, she'd had more than enough of that.

 

Acceptance.  
Being seen.  
Someone enjoying her.  
Her and her company.  
Someone actually validating the fact that there wasn't anything 'wrong' with her.  
Someone vocalising this.  
Telling her to her face.  
Reassuring her.  
Holding her whilst she did all of this.  
And she was still holding her.

 

Closing her eyes as she allowed herself to take all these elements in, Roxanna gave a little swallow and then opened her eyes, her body laying still for a few moments in Alex's arms, the brunette's grip having not slackened or wavered through the silence.  
"You're... you're right, I...I do enjoy being close, but only with the right people, people who I feel 'safe' with, especially.... especially people like you. I didn't....I didn't expect to feel this around you, but being around you and spending time with you, well...I like it, I enjoy it and I'd like it to continue, I'd like to continue being able to spend time with you, and be...be like this, because I...I like it" she replied softly, unable to help herself snuggle back against the younger woman behind her after she'd said the words, just feeling Alex's arms around her as she spoke making her feel that bit more secure and able to express them to her, in many ways it gave her that added bit of strength to be able to express her feelings, express them in a place she felt able to do so, with a person who listens and wouldn't judge, quite the opposite.  
With a soft smile on her face as she listened and then felt Roxanna snuggle back against her, Alex put her chin gently on the blonde's right shoulder, her arms not moving from around her, whispering.  
"Sounds good to me, very good" the older woman's cheek rising in a smile as the brunette spoke.


	24. Chapter 24

Was it luck who you saw on your drive to work.  
Just at the right time to see them walking along the pavement, going in the same direction and to the same place that you were.  
Well this is the current situation that Roxanna found herself in as she drove along on her way to work the following week on the Monday morning, her eyes catching sight of the back of a brunette, a brunette she'd recognise anywhere.  
Alex.

 

Alex, obviously to her was making her way into work on foot, happily minding her own business as she padded along the pavement, before Roxanna pulled up and beeped her horn at her, offering her a lift into work which the younger woman happily accepted from her, climbing into the passenger seat and enjoying the ride the rest of the journey into work in the comfort of the older woman's plush 4x4.  
Taking her space in the car park Roxanna put the hand brake on and then took off her seat belt, glancing to Alex briefly and then to the a couple of their colleagues who were making their way into the building from different directions, some chatting, some with headphones in, minding their own business as they headed into work.

 

"We erm...we better go in separately, walk in separately and not be spotted getting out of my car together" Roxanna blurted out suddenly, the sentence causing Alex to frown and half turn in her seat to look at the blonde.  
"Eh, whatcha mean not get spotted together, since we're work colleagues and friends it's no big deal if we walk into work together is it, or the fact you've given me a lift here this morning?" her eyes searching the older woman's face to try to find an answer.  
"But....but if someone sees us getting out of my car and then walking in together, what...what might they think?" now it was her turn to glance at the woman opposite her, but then dip her eyes briefly as she caught a look flash across Alex's face before returning her eyes to the brunette.  
Alex scoffed at this reply, her seat belt already off in what seemed like one swift movement to Roxanna.  
"Friends, close friends and colleagues do give each other lifts y'know and after these lifts they do walk into work together too, but well if it's clearly that bad for you to do that with me and be seen with me like that, well then forget it, we might as well not bother at all, with anything" opening the passenger door and climbing out of the car, closing the door behind her and walking away from the car and towards the building, shaking her head as she did, her leather satchel being put on her shoulder.

 

Frosty.  
Silent and frosty.  
Winter in the actual Keller ward.  
Well it was between two particular women anyway.  
Like there was a battle line drawn and no one was going to step over it.  
That they'd picked their territories and only came into one another's because they worked on the same ward, that bit was unavoidable.  
It probably helped that there were a few patients to treat that day, it kept them busy and out of each other's way barring and emergency case or situation, or if they required each other for the care and or advice of a patient, as of now, this hadn't happened.

 

A few hours, that's how long had passed and still the barriers and lack of communication were in place, the brunette behind the nurses' station, her head down and eyes on paperwork, engrossed or trying to be in what she was doing, well she was at work and these notes and forms wouldn't fill in and write themselves, the blonde on the other hand had just finished with some obs on a patient and then was making her way towards her office.  
"Ms MacMillan could I have a word please?" came the request from behind her, half turning to see Henrik be the one standing there not three feet away.  
"Of course" then leading the way to her office and then closing the door behind them, choosing to stand in front of her desk for now.  
"Is there a problem?" she started to the Swede.  
"It's funny because I was just about to grace you with the same question. I'm not one to pry but I can't help but notice that you seem to have been somewhat distracted today, a little preoccupied, not to mention when Dr Dawson has been on the ward you seem to have been looking at her quite a bit" watching for his friends reaction as he finished speaking, the blonde across from him dipping her eyes as he spoke, more so when he mentioned about Alex, this causing him to frown at his colleague his suspicions heightening at her behaviour, his observations of her over the course of the shift making him wonder what was going on since it wasn't what he'd consider to be 'normal' behaviour from Roxanna, not in the slightest.  
"No problem, no" was the answer she gave back trying to brush off his questioning like it was nothing, hoping that her friend and colleague might buy into her lame attempt at getting him to not pursue the matter anymore with her, not that that was ever going to be the case, this is Henrik after all.

 

Narrowing his eyes he looked at her that bit more closely.  
"Roxanna, you and I have been friends and colleagues for many years and I think I've come to know and recognise if you're telling me the full truth about matters or not, and I feel that this is one of those times when you're lying to me, hiding something, holding back" he persisted, wanting to know what was the matter and if it was something that he could help in some way with.

 

Roxanna closed her eyes at his words, he knew her rather well it seemed, he knew something was amiss, that something was going on.  
Taking a breath, it seemed that something in Henrik's words and the way he delivered them, teamed with the fact that he was one of her closest friends caused the neurosurgeon to crack and break.

 

"Ok...ok, I...I kissed Alex.." she suddenly said, her eyes dropping to the floor immediately as she said the words to her friend, Henrik himself not quite expecting what she'd just said to him, his friend had been married to David until his death and that's all he knew of this particular subject. "Not...not that any of that matters now because she's angry at me and won't be bothered and or interested in me anymore, surprise surprise" she scoffed and shook her head at her own words, fidgeting with her hands, wringing them as she did.

 

Listening to her words and how effected she seemed to be by what she'd just said, he silently guided her away from her desk and away to the sofa at the side of the office, hoping that the slightly more comfortable position physically might help his friend open up and explain that little bit more so he could try and understand.

 

After a pause and some thinking of how on earth she could word what she wanted to say, Roxanna opened her mouth to speak, closing it and then opening it to try again, almost preparing herself mentally, trying to get her brain to catch up and actually speak.

 

"We've....I...We...We've spent time together, Alex and I, been...been out together for drinks and breakfast, well she took me out for and brought me breakfast after a night shift, things...things like this. I...I didn't expect to.....didn't expect to....to start...to start to like her, it's been...well..unexpected to say the least" another pause and a deep breath in as she gathered herself again after revealing this first little bit of information to Henrik.  
"I...I never ever thought anything like this would happen, not to me, but..but it has. We've...we've been getting closer and she's...she's been over for dinner, it's been...been nice, but...but well after this morning, after how...how angry she was it's no doubt all gone, all gone up in smoke. I....I didn't and don't want it to be, but...but it...it all seems rather hopeless, the look on her face, well that said a lot, it's done after the first hurdle" rubbing her forehead to try and lessen the tension, trying to slyly wipe away a few stray tears that she'd tried to prevent falling but couldn't, quickly sniffing and straightening up in her stance and clearing her throat as there was a knock on the door and a nurse said that she needed the neurosurgeons help with a patient, saying no more to Henrik she stood up from the sofa, straightened her skirt and blouse and then strode to and then out of the door, not looking back at him, unable to if she wanted to keep her composure on the ward.


	25. Chapter 25

When the ward was quiet and not manic, with no emergencies you took your chances.  
Chances at everything.  
Breaks.  
Going to the toilet.  
Food.  
Drink.  
Paper work.  
Or just to enjoy the few minutes of peace and quiet.

 

This was currently the situation on Keller since the patients were all up to date for as much as could be done for them as they awaited various test results, scans and operations. In the calm Alex had decided to take her window of opportunity and grab some food and a break in the staff room, the place that Henrik found himself at the door of.  
"May I?" he asked softly, on opening the door and seeing Alex look towards him.  
"Yeah sure" she replied, the older man making his way into the room and sit down next to her, giving a little smile but not saying anything to her at first, thinking how he could word what he wanted to say, word it correctly.  
"It has come to my attention that there's somewhat of an atmosphere between yourself and Ms MacMillan today".  
Alex scoffed at his words, not the first scoff the Swede had heard today and how ironic that it'd been Roxanna who had also scoffed whilst he'd been talking to her, about the exact same subject too, wonders will never cease it seems.

 

Well this could be quite the conversation if this is how it's started off, or not started off as was the case right now, a scoff is the most he'd roused from the brunette in regards to his friend, come on Henrik think on your feet and ask her, ask her something.  
He studied the woman who sat nearby him, she wasn't looking at him, like she didn't want to, she hadn't looked at him since he'd mentioned Roxanna's name.

 

"Do you like Roxanna?" the bluntness and straightforward nature of the question drawing her eyes to her right and to look at him, that got her attention.  
"What does that mean?" she asked, her eyes and reply not very convincing towards him in that she didn't know what he meant, she knew what he meant, especially after the talk he'd had before with the woman herself, but Alex didn't know this little nugget of information.  
Henrik gave her a little smile and then spoke.  
"I've been made aware shall we say that you and Roxanna have been spending time together, and by all accounts have been getting close" seeing Alex's frown softening as he revealed that he knew about them spending time together, realising that Roxanna herself must have spoken to Henrik before he'd come to speak to her. "She's fond of you".  
Again Alex scoffed at the last part of his reply and shook her head to herself.  
"Given what happened this morning, I don't think she is fond of me, quite the opposite. Considering she didn't want to be seen walking into work with me after giving me a lift, I don't consider this someone fond of me, it seems like someone embarrassed or like I'm not good enough to be seen walking into the place we both work with, that's what it seems like to me" her eyes taking on a steely yet vulnerable sheen to them as she glanced to Henrik, it had hurt when Roxanna didn't want to appear to want to be seen with her this morning, like she couldn't wait to shoo her out of the car.

 

Henrik watched Alex's reaction, the slight flinch when she spoke about how she felt about Roxanna's reaction this morning, that had stung the younger woman, emotionally stung her.

 

"Obviously I can't say for certain because I'm not Roxanna, but maybe she did want to walk into work with you, but as silly as it sounds, she didn't actually know 'how' to conduct herself in this matter. I've known Roxanna for a great many years and this is an entirely new situation for her, it is for me in regards to her too, since I know she'd been married to David for a good number of years. When she first started spending time with David all those years ago she was what a great many people may have considered 'hard work', Roxanna wasn't the type of person, woman at university to have all the young men crowding around her, or people giving her lots of attention, not like some of the other people in our year, but David took an interest in her, he liked that she wasn't like some of the other girls, he saw her for who she was. I've known her for a long time and I can say that she's more vulnerable and I guess the word is soft, than many would see or believe, those who don't know the 'real' Roxanna, those not close to her on a friendship level, close friends" seeing that now Alex was listening intently as he spoke about the neurosurgeon. "Having had a conversation with Roxanna, she feels that this entire situation is 'over', that she's made you far too mad for any kind of reconciliation, she feels rather hopeless and upset about it all, that she's 'messed up' if that is the term people used in these matters".  
Alex sighed at Henrik words and thinking of what Roxanna might be feeling like at the moment due to what had happened, yes she was pissed off about what happened this morning, it didn't stop her caring though, she wasn't that heartless and cruel, even in this situation.

 

"Yes I'm pissed off, was pissed off, annoyed or whatever you want to call it, because what she said and acted like stung me this morning...but....but it doesn't mean that I don't like her anymore" Alex replied, slowly raising her eyes off of the table to glance to Henrik, him able to see that what she was saying was genuine, she did still like Roxanna despite what had happened.

 

"I know a bit of what Roxanna is like having known her for a number of years, but I can also tell that this situation isn't easy for you either, that her actions this morning hurt you. Roxanna needs handling with kid gloves shall we say, a bit more than most people sometimes, although she'd have you believe different, but be that as it may she'll give you her all once you establish that kind of relationship with her, the likes of this was proven with David and the way she tried all the way until the end to look after and help him, she literally did everything she could, unfortunately it wasn't enough, but she couldn't have done anymore to try to help him. Also for her to mention you in the way she has to me, that wouldn't have been done lightly or on a whim, it's taken quite a lot for her to just have mentioned something like this, especially given how new it is for her, very new but not necessarily in a bad way, just different for her. Of course it's up to you and it's your decision, but maybe...maybe you could see to take this weight off of her shoulders as it were, because right now after talking to her, it seems I can't help her feel better, nor can anyone else, the only person that could do that is you" slowly standing up from the chair and putting it under the table, before adding as he got to the door he'd previously come through, his pause causing Alex to half turn to look at him.  
"She's rather fond of you you know, this something I can't say I've seen in rather a long time in her" leaving this comment with the brunette as he departed from the room, the door closing softly behind him, Alex watching him leave, his words for his friend echoing in her ears as she sat in the empty staff room, in silence.


	26. Chapter 26

Shuffling her papers into some kind of neat pile as she got up from her chair, Roxanna placed them next to her laptop on her desk and then moved over to the side of said desk to collect her coat from the coat stand in the corner of her office, putting it on she then picked up her handbag, making sure she had her phone and everything else, heading for the door and turning out the main light as she finished her shift, on departing the ward she headed straight for the stairs, she was in no mood after what had happened today for speaking to anyone, she'd been doing this all day and that was bloody painful enough but she'd not had much choice given that it was a major part of her job, but now, off duty she could make that choice to speak to no one as she was off shift and headed home for the night, thank god it had finally arrived, she needed to get out of here and get away.

 

Reaching the ground floor and having luckily not seen anyone else or them see her, she felt around in her pocket for her car keys, feeling them in there she moved down the ramp and then across to her car, only glancing up when she knew she was near her car, her feet stopping her in shock as she saw Alex stood next to her car, the brunette forcing a tight and awkward smile to the other woman as she approached her own vehicle.

 

Well.  
I didn't expect to see her standing there.  
The opposite in fact.  
She'd be the last person I'd expect to see here.  
If I did expect anyone it'd be Henrik.  
But her.  
Alex.  
Not a chance.  
Going for round two is she?  
The joys.

 

"Can we...can we talk, please?" asked the brunette quietly, half of her expecting the blonde to say no and send her on her way.  
Silently Roxanna nodded that they could indeed, both women taking up their positions in the car that they had this morning, neither saying a word at first as they sat silently looking out of the windscreen, the tension in the air could be sliced with nothing more than a butter knife.  
"I...I'm sorry...about this morning" Alex turning half to her right to look at the woman beside her. "For how I reacted, I just felt like you didn't want to be seen to walk into work with me, that you didn't want to be seen here with me I guess, so I...I just reacted, sorry" looking apologetically at the blonde.  
Roxanna could see it in her eyes that she was sorry, that she did think that that Roxanna didn't want to be seen with her or be seen walking into Holby with her and that the brunette reacted on those feelings after what the blonde had said to her.

 

Still Alex looked at her, the apology written all over her face, in her eyes, those green eyes of hers.  
"It's ok" Roxanna gave back softly, letting her know that she accepted her apology and knew she didn't mean what happened that morning. "I'm sorry for how I acted this morning, for what I said, I got....got a bit paranoid I suppose because this...this is new for me, but I...I'm not ashamed of being seen in your presence or company. If....If I'm honest I think that I've ruined everything and that now you won't want to see me anymore, or spend time with me anymore. And because of everything that's happened this morning that what was happening between us is over..." her voice breaking and shaking as she was hit by what she was actually saying, saying it out loud to the woman herself next to her made it seem that bit more 'real' and cause the neurosurgeon to tear up and then breakdown and get upset, her mind seemingly convinced that she had indeed messed everything up and ruined things.

 

Without even thinking about it, Alex reaches across the gap between the seats where they were both sat and wraps her arms around Roxanna, pulling her into a hug, feeling herself also start to tear up at seeing how much the incident this morning had effected the neurosurgeon, seeing the fear that the blonde felt at the thought of Alex potentially not wanting to have anything to do with her anymore, it seems that their time they'd been spending together and the relationship that they'd been developing really has started to mean that much to Roxanna, so much so that the thought of 'losing' it has caused this reaction in her.  
Swallowing back her own tears, Alex whispered to the other woman.  
"Nothing is over, what happened this morning is forgotten about, I won't abandon you or whatever it is you thought might happen, it won't happen, I'm here" feeling Roxanna cuddle tighter into her and grab onto her bomber jacket, some of the relief coming out in these simple actions. 

 

There was something about Alex and her hugs, the way she held Roxanna, it just did something to the neurosurgeon, made her feel like she had some protective barrier around her, a kind of shield, a shield around her, to comfort her and keep the bad things at bay, the amount of comfort she gained from this action of the younger woman was something she'd not felt before, not being one for being on the receiving end of masses of physical contact, this was something that she found herself unable to get enough of, it was something she looked forward to with the brunette, it giving her such a content and warm feeling when it occurred. Feeling the embrace of Alex not falter made Roxanna relax that bit more, happy to just sit there in the younger woman's arms and Alex was more than happy to sit there and hold the older woman.

 

"Come back to mine tonight, I don't want to spend the night without you" Alex whispered into Roxanna's ear, hoping that the older woman would want to come and stay with her too, she wanted the neurosurgeon close to her tonight after everything that had happened today, being apart wasn't an option, for Alex at least.

 

Arriving back at Alex's, both women cuddled up together on the sofa, Roxanna snuggling into Alex that bit more as they did and Alex pulled her closer, as close as she could get her, giving her a gentle squeeze as she did so.  
"Are you alright?" Alex asked resting her cheek against Roxanna's hair, feeling the blonde woman nod.  
"I'm better than I was a couple of hours ago" she admitted and it was true, a few hours ago she was thinking that something like this wouldn't ever happen again, not ever.

 

I thought that I'd never have this again.  
Never feel her hug or hold me again.  
And that feeling, that thought did something to me.  
The thought that I'd 'lost' her.  
It hurt me, hurt me and scared me, triggered such a reaction in me when she walked away this morning, because I really did think she'd walked away for good, left me, and it's not even like we're in a relationship for her to 'leave me' but that's how it felt this morning, it hurt my heart and my heart continued to hurt as it accepted its fate when there was an atmosphere all day and she didn't talk to me, didn't even look properly at me, then to see her at my car, to be stood there waiting for me and the fact she smiled it did something for me and to me, it gave me a glimmer of something, a spark of hope, a flash, the pain of the day was then fully taken away when she held me in my car, held me and told me she wasn't going to abandon me, that nothing is over, it was like a weight had come off my chest, and it was this feeling of relief that made me cry, I couldn't help it, relief brought tears.  
Thinking about everything that's happened today as I sit cuddled into her, I'm starting to realise that I'd be a bit lost without her, that maybe my heart wouldn't feel quite right without her, something wouldn't feel right.

 

Sat in Alex's arms on the sofa Roxanna relaxed into the younger woman, enjoying being close to her again, at the same time as wondering, thinking, analysing, searching her own mind and thoughts.  
Could her feelings for the younger brunette have gotten that bit deeper than they were a few weeks ago?  
Is this something that had started to happen?


	27. Chapter 27

Climbing into bed after a long day a work was something else, but made even better when after this long day at work you'd been out for a couple of hours for food with a lovely woman, this woman being Alex, something that had considerably brightened up Roxanna's day and made the day at work not seem that bad when she'd ended it in this way.  
After sorting her things out for the next morning she'd then gotten into bed, aware that she was on an early shift the next day, one advantage here was knowing that barring emergencies it was an earlier finish than today, every cloud and all that kind of thing.

 

It gave your mind so much time and space to think when you got into bed at night, the quiet and calm that descended after the rush of the day enveloped your mind to start processing and thinking about things, lots of things, people, or in Roxanna's case tonight, one woman. She thought about how she felt her feelings towards the younger brunette had changed over the past few months, changed from how she felt initially towards her, developed for Alex, grown was probably a good description.   
Taking a deep and calming breath she relaxed more into her pillows and closed her eyes, this action seeming to make her mind shift gear yet again, still on the subject of Alex, but something slightly different to do with the brunette, something more...intimate.   
Intimate in the sense of a wave of thoughts started washing over the blonde.

 

How would it feel to have Alex touch her?  
Put her hands on her.  
On her skin.  
To have Alex touch her skin when they're sat together on the sofa.  
Or led together in either's bed.  
What would it feel it?  
What would Alex's hands and skin feel like against her own?  
What would having her skin touch Alex's feel like?  
To lay skin to skin with the younger brunette.  
To be that intimate with Alex.  
Imagining her skin to be soft if her hugs and holding her hand was anything to go by.

 

Talk about something completely different, Roxanna had never even entertained these kinds of thoughts about a woman before, not until now, until Alex, yet now they'd started filtering into her psyche and thoughts more often than not, almost as if she'd started allowing herself to explore this side of herself, of her sexuality, feeling that bit more comfortable in thinking in these terms and finding that she found them pleasant when she did, it probably had begun happening more frequently due to the fact that they'd both been getting physically closer together on a more regular basis, not to mention that Roxanna found herself very attracted to the brunette, in all ways, not just physical ones, Alex just seemed to understand her, and by some grace of God was attracted to the neurosurgeon too.

 

Unpredictable, that was a good word to describe the night shifts, in some ways they seem more so than day shifts, maybe it was because it was darker, it was night, it just gave a different vibe at night, it seemed a different kind of shift somehow, it felt different.  
Both women had been placed on this night shift together the next day, it had started off rather steady, nothing major coming in or had been in since the shift had started, this allowing everyone to do some catching up of forms and paperwork, other little jobs that sometimes didn't get done in the rush and chaos of patients and emergencies, they could actually risk saying that for tonight at least nothing much has happened or was happening on the ward, even with a few hours to go at the end of the shift this remained the same, it was turning out to be a steady and calm shift, oh how welcome they were to everyone.

 

Getting up from her office chair and putting her pen down, Roxanna made her way towards the door as a figure passed by outside it, the frosted glass panels a little window to the outside ward, opening said door she put her head out and half of her body.  
"Dr Dawson, do you have a minute please?" she called to passing brunette, who stopped and then turned at hearing her name.  
"Sure" Alex replied, making her way back where she'd come from and into Roxanna's office, closing the door behind her.

 

No sooner had the brunette closed the door and Roxanna had clicked the little button on the lock to temporarily lock said door, this action causing Alex to look at what had just been done and then back at the woman who had done it, giving a little soft frown of confusion.  
Saying nothing Roxanna stepped forward and closed the gap between them, giving Alex's lips a gentle kiss and then wrapped her arms around the brunette, snuggling into her. These actions surprising Alex but pleasantly surprising her, responding by putting her own arms around Roxanna and giving her a gentle kiss on the side of her head, before the blonde then led them both to sit together on the sofa on the other side of her office, cuddling up together.

 

"Is everything ok?" Alex asked as they sat together.  
"Yeah, I just...I just wanted to see you, and to be close to you, so I asked you in here" was the reply, Roxanna then linking one of their hands together, their fingers entwined, this action causing the brunette to look down at their hands together, the way their fingers fit together so nicely, unable to help smile to herself at the spontaneous action of Roxanna and also how they are being together in Roxanna's office in the hospital at their place of work, and the blonde doing it because she wanted to, a bit different to a short while ago when they had their disagreement and fall out about walking into work together, it seems the neurosurgeon was feeling a little bit more comfortable in herself, something Alex wasn't arguing about, at all.

 

It'd been a couple of days since they'd been able to properly see each other and be in one another's company due to the different shift patterns and it being rather busy, this meant that they'd been like passing ships in the night and when Roxanna wasn't in Alex was and vice versa, so there'd not been time for either of them to see one another, something that Roxanna found herself not liking, getting in after her shifts knowing that Alex was now at work and therefore she couldn't see her didn't feel right, it didn't feel nice, it was almost like something was missing, that she'd missed something that day, that she'd been deprived of some sunshine, some vitamin d, that Alex was like a ray of sun when the day had been long and or shit, knowing she'd see her, be near her made it that bit easier, so having not had any of these two things for a few days made the older woman how much she'd missed it, she'd developed a little knot in her stomach having not felt Alex's hugs for a few days, this knot dissolving as she sat in the brunette's arms, felt them around her again.

 

In the past this hadn't been a 'problem' or something that she missed, she didn't feel this way because she'd not had someone this close before, not apart from David, so due to this it wasn't something she missed because she didn't have anything to miss, she'd never had that kind of close physical and emotional contact with someone, they kept her at arms length, purely professional, even though inside she did crave to be held, to be close, to feel someone close to her, to comfort her, just like she was experiencing with Alex now, these things the younger brunette offered to her. Something she was now letting herself enjoy and experience, instead of suppressing what she wanted, what she liked she was expressing it, physically, she was slowly reaching out to the other woman and getting a response, these little things were helping build her up, build her confidence that had dwindled away over the past 18 months if not longer, it was now her time to take little bits of her back piece by piece, nuggets of herself she was finding out about with Alex's help.

 

A couple of months ago something like this with the younger woman wouldn't have even been a thought in Roxanna's mind, she'd have literally run a mile, denied every slither of attraction to the brunette, even to the likes of Serena and carried on burying herself in work and driving herself into the ground to try and suppress every feeling she had, the body armour firmly locked in place, her heart behind it. 

 

But yet now her she was, sat in her office on a night shift, the office door temporarily locked for a little while, cuddled up to the younger woman, one of each of their hands, fingers entwined, enjoying being close to one another, and all this had been initiated by Roxanna herself, she'd done it because she wanted to, allowing herself to express how she was feeling, her confidence growing that bit more all the time, and she liked it, she was currently enjoying how it felt to be able to reach out to Alex and be this way with her, to be close.


	28. Chapter 28

Bloody madhouse.  
Crazy.  
Frenetic.  
And what other words that could be used to describe a crazy busy shift.  
Add to this the fact that a few people were on their days off.  
One of these people being Roxanna.

 

Of course she deserved her day off that went without saying obviously, but with her being off and a few other doctors too, that meant that Alex was one of the most senior doctors on the ward for the day and therefore took the slack and made it so she was in charge of things that were going on, the army came in handy with days like today, organisation and a steady hand were what were needed now more than ever, resourceful.

 

And so the day had gone on, running around, juggling patients, and at the time it felt like actual juggling, physically and mentally, making sure everyone on the staff team was ok and not needing anything.  
So when it came to finally being able to clock off in the afternoon, to say Alex was glad was an understatement.  
Collecting her things from her locker after she'd handed over the shift to another doctor when they arrived on the ward, which was a nice feeling, she said hi to some of the incoming staff who were taking over, before making her way to the lift, her legs had done enough steps to last the day, riding it down to the main entrance and then slowly making her way down the ramp.

 

"Fancy seeing you here" came the voice that made Alex look towards where it was coming from, as well as who it was coming from Roxanna.

 

A smiling Roxanna.  
Who was stood just off to the side at the bottom of the ramp, leaning against the wall, casually dressed in her jeans and a soft jumper.

 

Surprise is one word Alex could have used right then and there, having not expected to see the blonde, especially not at the hospital seen as it was her day off too, she thought she'd be relaxing at home, but despite this she flashed a smile back at seeing her here, it was a most pleasant surprise.

 

"What are you doing here, it's your day off" Alex asked while moving off the ramp and to the side of the hospital where Roxanna stood.  
"Well, when I was at home on my day off, I was just wondering if you'd be interested in a lift back to mine and to have some food?" her eyes narrowing as she wandered them over the younger woman's face, studying her features as Alex stood next to her. "You look a bit tired and stressed" the observation one that Alex didn't expect from Roxanna.  
"It's been quite an eventful day in there, patients coming and going like no one's business, and some of them have been rather big pains in the asses to say the least, mouthing off, complaining, one of those days" Alex admitted, it was something different to have someone notice her tiredness and stress, usually they didn't, or not very often at least anyway, so to have Roxanna see and acknowledge it was rather nice.

 

The next thing Alex knew there was a set of arms wrapping around her and pulling her close, Roxanna's arms. After seeing the look on Alex's face and hearing about her day she thought she could do with a hug and decided to give her one, not much regard or thought for where they were, Alex was the main importance right here and now. Feeling the secure and warm embrace, Alex leans and snuggles into the older woman, her arms around Roxanna, closing her eyes at the contact, the warmth and feel of the neurosurgeon holding her making her smile and feel content, also secretly liking the fact that Roxanna had done it, the blonde seeming to act on instinct at what the brunette needed.

 

Arriving back at Roxanna's, the older woman made them both a drink and some food, sitting at the dining table they ate and enjoyed a comfortable conversation about their days, before Alex made her way into the living room as Roxanna tidied the kitchen up and then joined the brunette on the sofa, the two of them cuddling up together, the TV on low in the background, Alex snuggling into Roxanna and settling there.  
Feeling the warm weight against her, the older woman looked down at Alex against her, smiling to herself as she did, liking the fact that Alex feels so comfortable with her that she snuggles up in her arms and lays like she is, no one ever wanted to be this close with her, to have this contact with her, well no one before Alex, but the younger brunette seemed to really like it, she wasn't prompted to be like this she did it of her own free will, snuggled immediately into Roxanna as she sat down, after her stressful day at work and what had happened she sort comfort from the neurosurgeon, no one else but Roxanna, she wanted no one but the blonde.

 

Leaning down she placed a kiss on the top of Alex's head, smiling to herself that bit more and closing her eyes as her lips lingered where they were.  
"Thank you for today, my shift was a bit shit and stressful, but seeing you at the end of it and now being here like this, it made my day so much better, just like you do with all my days" Alex murmured softly, seeing Roxanna had improved her day tenfold and she wanted to voice her appreciation to the older woman and acknowledge how brighter she makes her days in general.

 

Squeezing the woman in her arms and pulling her against her even more, Roxanna whispered softly.  
"My day was made better the minute I saw you coming down that ramp, it's always made better when I see you" the sentiment making Alex smile widely against Roxanna's shoulder, snuggling into the older woman.

 

It was true, since having Alex in her life her days have been so much brighter, her life has been brighter, the younger woman has brought her a happiness she never thought possible, she's given her life a sense of calm, of fun, mixed with stability, things that weren't present before Alex.

 

Not long after they'd settled down together, tightly cuddled up, Roxanna glanced down to find the day had finally caught up with Alex and the young brunette had fallen fast asleep in the spot against her.  
Kissing Alex's forehead, Roxanna ghosted her eyes over the younger woman's face.  
"I meant what I said before, you have and do make my days better, you make my life better. Seeing you laying here like this, you look so so precious and cosy, you're adorable, I'm glad that you're here tonight, but even more glad that you're led like this in my arms, where you belong, where I want you, I wouldn't have you anywhere else" lingering her lips on Alex's forehead again in a tender kiss, eskimo kissing her skin where her lips had just been, then turning back to what was on the TV, the young woman continuing to sleep peacefully in her arms.


	29. Chapter 29

Birthdays.  
Parties.  
Not something that Roxanna had bothered about all that much, it was only her birthday after all, the same every year but a different number, but this wasn't her birthday, it was Alex's friends and she was celebrating it with a group of her friends and family in some country pub that they'd hired a floor of and Alex had asked if Roxanna would like to come with her, this friend was a close one of Alex's, someone that close to the brunette that she'd been told about the blonde and then invited said blonde along as Alex's plus one, the more the merrier too apparently was the turn of phrase used, so hearing this Roxanna for some reason had decided to say she'd go along as Alex's plus one, it could be a nice time, hopefully, nerves overload permitting.

 

Reaching the pub in a taxi together, both women got out together, Alex seeing that Roxanna was a bit nervous and asked if she was ok, it was new people, a new place, completely a new situation for the neurosurgeon to be in and she was out in public as it were with Alex too, all newness from every angle tonight, well if you're going to do something might as well do it properly, and by god were they doing this tonight.

 

Feeling a tug on her hand, Alex looked down at the gesture and then up at Roxanna, both women pausing at the side of the main doors.  
"Yes I am feeling nervous and haven't done anything like this before, well I have a couple of times obviously for people's birthdays, but well not with another woman....you know what I mean" stumbling over her words as she got flustered, Alex moving them slightly more to the side as the blonde spoke and stuttered a bit.  
Silently Alex took the blonde into her arms and spoke as she held her close.  
"You're looking very beautiful tonight and everything will be fine, I'm right there with you and will look after you, everyone will really like you obviously because there's nothing about you not to like, and we're going to have a nice time" feeling the woman in her arms body lessened in tension as she spoke, Roxanna feeling that bit more reassured by Alex's words.  
Parting from the hug, they both shared a smile and then Roxanna linked hands with the younger woman again before they made their way inside to the party.

 

Then came the introductions, first to the birthday woman Rachael, one of Alex's close friends and her husband Neil, Rachael seeming very happy that they were both here, and saying so by thanking them for coming along tonight, also taking the time to tell Roxanna that she's pleased to meet her and to see her here at the party, before then offering them a glass of champagne and to help themselves to the vast buffet that was laid out along one side of the rather large but cosy venue room, telling them she hopes they have a good time and then excuses herself as more people have just arrived. This introduction was indeed a good start for Roxanna, it's encouraging because the woman seems genuinely happy to see her and especially since she's a stranger but has been welcomed by Rachael to her birthday party.

 

"Mind if I take her seat for a minute?" was the statement from Rachael as she sat down in the chair at the table, the one that Alex had just vacated to nip to the toilet, the woman smiling kindly at Roxanna as she did so. "It's nice to see Alex happy, and that the person she's spending a lot of time with makes her this happy. I've not seen her like this in years, so it seems to me that you're rather good for her" watching as Roxanna blushed at her words, Rachael smiling at this before continuing. "I'm glad that you came tonight, it's really nice to meet you at last after hearing Alex talking about you, she does that a lot".  
"Thank you for inviting me, I'm glad I came too" Roxanna replied, softly smiling at the other woman, she was glad she'd came because she'd had a nice time, Alex and her friends were nice people, very welcoming and warm people, she felt included and like she was wanted there from the second Rachael and Neil had come over to them both.

 

"I can see why she likes you like she does, you're as nice as she said you were, I'd say you've got it all going on as far as Alex is concerned, just keep being you because that's basically all Alex needs and wants, and she likes you being you a lot, I'll tell you that for nothing" Rachael encouraged, wanting to actually tell Roxanna that Alex likes her a lot in case the neurosurgeon was at all unsure, as well as voicing the fact she herself like Roxanna.  
"Hello hello" came the familiar voice of Alex returning from the bathroom.  
"Oh here she is, she's back" Rachael chuckled, getting up from the seat as she saw her friend. "It was nice speaking to you Roxanna, it's time for me to go and mingle again, hard work is this birthday party lark" this causing the blonde to chuckle, she liked Rachael and it seemed that this feeling was mutual from the other woman too.  
Alex chuckled at her friend and then retook her seat, smiling at Roxanna.  
"She's nice Rachael".  
"Yeah she really is, she's a good friend" Alex agreed. "Are you having a good time?" wanting to make sure Roxanna was enjoying herself.  
"I am yeah thank you" this reply making Alex smile and feel reassured, the brunette then glancing to the dance floor as she heard the DJ start to play a slower song, this change of tempo bringing a lot of couples to the floor, one of these couples being Rachael and Neil, all starting to hold each other and then begin to dance along to the music, this watching what was happening on the dance floor Roxanna watched the younger woman do.

 

"Would erm....would you like to get up and dance too?" she asked Alex a little shyly, she'd never asked something like this before, first times for a lot of things tonight it seemed.  
This question made Alex turn her head almost in surprise at the question.  
"Dance, as in you and me dance?" seeing Roxanna confirm that yes this is what she meant, this confirmation making Alex break into a smile and nod enthusiastically.

 

Getting up from their chairs, they joined the other couples on the dance floor, Alex putting her arms around the older woman and Roxanna following suit by putting her arms around Alex's neck, holding each other close as they swayed gently together to the music. Whilst they moved together enjoying the dance, Roxanna happened to look up to see Rachael dancing with Neil nearby, Rachael flashing the blonde a happy smile and a little nod in support of her being up and dancing with Alex, knowing what it'd mean to Alex that Roxanna had gotten up to dance with her, this little nod made the neurosurgeon feel even better than she already did, so much so that she moved her hands to settle on Alex's shoulders, also leaning her chin on Alex's shoulder and resting her head against the younger woman's as she did so.

 

"I'm glad that I came here with you tonight" Roxanna whispered into Alex's ear as they continued to dance, feeling Alex smile at her words.  
"I'm very glad that you came with me too. And for the record I am the luckiest woman on this dance floor right now, the actual luckiest because I am dancing with and holding you".  
"I feel that I am the luckiest one because I'm dancing with and have you" and it was true, Roxanna did feel the luckiest one out of them both.  
This grew Alex's smile that bit more, causing her to say.  
"You'll always have me, I've no intentions of going anywhere at all" this extra piece of reassurance, along with how much of a nice time they'd had tonight seem to take over for Roxanna there, so much so that she moved her head so she was looking at Alex and Alex at her, leaning forward right there on the dance floor and pressing her lips to the younger woman's whose arms she was in, the pair of them dancing and sharing a slow and meaningful kiss.

 

Something happened for the neurosurgeon before she decided to kiss Alex then and there.  
She felt an overwhelming sense of comfort in that moment, that the surroundings and everything in them just felt 'right', it felt that good that she had gotten this overwhelming sense of wanting to kiss Alex, no barriers, no nerves or apprehensions, it was just about them, in that moment that is all that mattered, and she wanted to kiss Alex, so she did and the young brunette responded, she responded in the best way possible and kissed her back.


	30. Chapter 30

Taking a taxi just part of the way back to the neurosurgeons house, both women then got out, paid the driver and then started the rest of the journey on foot, they'd decided that since it was a mild and dry night it might be nice to walk back the rest of the way. With linked hands they began walking, a stillness and peace enveloping them both, something that they both seem to enjoy, when they spent a lot of their days running around a busy ward and trying to catch some time together at work, moments like these were welcome.  


On reaching her front door, Alex stepped to the side to allow the blonde to open said door, she then stepped into her house and invited Alex in too, the brunette following in behind her and turning round to close the door, then returning to face the older woman, this being met with Roxanna closing the small gap between them both, and pressing her lips to Alex's at the same time as pulling Alex into her using her shirt collar, this action deepening the kiss, succeeding in taking the younger woman's breath away.

 

Parting from the others lips, both women looked at one another, arms around the others waist, wandering eyes over one another's faces before lips were together again, Roxanna being the one to move her arms to be around Alex's neck as they engaged in a kiss that turned into a rather passionate one quite quickly, the younger woman feeling a great sense of connection to the neurosurgeon in that exact moment.

 

"S...Stay tonight, I would...would like to be closer to you than the last time you stayed, I'm....I'm not ready to...you know...but I'd like to be closer" Roxanna murmured against Alex's lips, she wanted to try and experience some skin to skin contact with the brunette, a little bit of what she'd been thinking about with the younger woman quite a bit recently. 

 

Nodding and giving a little smile, Alex replied.  
"I'd like nothing more than to be closer to you" willing to do whatever Roxanna wanted and felt most comfortable to her, Alex was in no rush for anything like this.  
Stepping into the neurosurgeon's bedroom, Alex pushed the door closed and then stood looking over at the blonde, she herself not wanting to push Roxanna to do anything that she didn't want to do, wanting her to feel like she was in control and taking the lead since it was the older woman who'd suggested them being closer.

 

Standing a foot or so away from Alex, Roxanna clasped her own hands together and then unclasped them, before starting to nervously fidget with her fingers, willing her brain to find the words that she wanted to say, her shyness evident right in that moment, well aware that Alex's eyes were on her.

 

"Hey.." Alex started, closing the gap between them and gently resting her hands on Roxanna's hips, this touch caused the blonde to raise her eyes to Alex's. "We don't have to do anything at all, I just want you to feel comfortable and happy" she whispered, and she did, she didn't want Roxanna to feel pressured in anyway, or that now they were in her bedroom that she couldn't change her mind if she didn't want to do anything, she'd never do that to her.  
"I...I want to, I want to feel what it's like to be close to you, I want to feel what it's like to lay with you and feel what it's like to fall asleep with your skin touching mine, that's what I'd like I'm just....I'm just nervous....it's new" her green eyes showing her shyness and nerves to the younger woman in front of her, but she also saw that what Roxanna was saying was the truth, that although she was nervous, she did want to have this contact with Alex, she may just need a bit of reassurance and patience.  
"We can do this no problem, I'd like to be close to you in this way too" Alex smiled kindly, moving her hands from Roxanna's hips and up to her shoulders, gently slipping the blonde's suit jacket from her shoulders and onto the floor, feeling the older woman follow her lead and removed Alex's jacket, letting it drop off unneeded.

 

Only the light from the bedside lamp illuminated the room as both women took it in turns to take pieces of each other clothing off, leaving them both in just their underwear, this undressed state causing the blonde to dip her head and then attempt to cover some part of herself with her hands, almost thinking about hiding herself now Alex could see her skin, skin she'd never shown another woman before.

 

"You've no need to do that" Alex started as she took hold of Roxanna's hands on seeing her actions and kept hold of them as they looked at one another.  
"I...I just...I don't know what to do...or...or how to be" Roxanna admits shyly, her hands keeping firmly in Alex's for reassurance.

 

Her innocence and shyness is so endearing.  
She's definitely got an innocence to her stood like this.  
She's vulnerable and doesn't actually know what to do.  
She feels the need to cover or try to cover herself, thinking that her and her body aren't good enough, or don't quite 'hit the mark', even though nothing could be further from the truth.  
Little does she know how beautiful and sexy she is.  
She's amazing.

 

"What you're doing is just right, you're doing totally fine, more than fine. How about we get into bed, it's comfy and warm in there?" she suggested, seeing Roxanna nod at her suggestion, both of them slipping under the duvet, Alex laying on her back and the older woman coming to settle against Alex, Alex's arms around her, both quite happy to lay together like this for however long they wished.

 

Alex opened her eyes after a short while on feeling the other woman shifting in her arms, loosening them around the older woman. Roxanna silently under the duvet inched her bra and then knickers off her body and dropped them on the floor beside the bed, her eyes finding Alex's as she retook her position led against the younger woman. Embracing the older blonde in her arms, she became aware of just how fast Roxanna's heart was beating at what she'd just done.  
Placing a kiss on Roxanna's forehead, Alex momentarily let the blonde go as she followed what the other woman had just done, removing her own underwear onto the floor and then she retook the other woman into her arms, holding Roxanna as close to her as was possible.  
The first contact of the brunette's skin against hers caused the blonde to shiver and give a quiet murmur, it was like nothing that she'd ever felt in her life, Alex had such soft skin, it was like silk, never had she experienced such a soft touch of another human against her.

 

"Your skin is so soft" Roxanna whispered, hearing Alex reply back.  
"So is yours".  
Pausing for a few seconds more, the blonde then opened her mouth to speak again.  
"Erm...could...could I maybe...maybe touch your stomach, I know it sounds weird, I just...I just want to know what it feels like to touch your...bare...bare skin" being well aware of her request possibly coming across as so weird that it could've been totally dismissed and the younger woman could get out of the bed and go home, this adding to the trepidation of what she was asking and how she asked it.  
"Of course you can" was the simple reply, Alex pulling the duvet down to her waist, her breasts and stomach exposed bare to Roxanna, green eyes of the brunette watching as the woman in her arms take in the body and skin in front of her, using the fingertips of her left hand to slowly and carefully trace over the exposed flesh she saw in front of her.

 

The way Roxanna moved her hand over the brunette, there was an innocence and exploration of it, an absorption to what she was doing, totally engaged in the task at literal hand.  
Never had Alex had someone take this much time to purely look and feel the skin of her stomach and then wander their eyes over her breasts.  
Making her way back up to Alex's neck, Roxanna raised her eyes to Alex's seeing the brunette smiling at her, this causing her to smile shyly back.

 

"Y..You're so attractive" Roxanna whispered, now it was Alex's turn to go shy at the compliment, not often was the brunette shy but with the blonde she seemed to be at moments like this.

 

I like the fact I can cause her to be shy.  
It means that my words effect her.  
That I am able to make her shy.  
Me.  
No one else, me.  
Little compliments that I give her must mean that much to her that they cause her to go shy.  
I'll take that every day.

 

Placing a gentle on Alex's cheek, Roxanna proceeded to snuggle back into the younger woman, draping an arm over the brunette's stomach, her head resting against Alex's, loving the feeling of Alex pulling her against her more, and then the soft stroking of the brunette's hand lazily on her back as both women lay contently in Roxanna's bed.


	31. Chapter 31

"They're going well, maybe too well" this response making Serena frown softly at Roxanna, not quite expecting this answer from her friend.  
"Too well, what does this mean?".  
Roxanna then admits that she's not used to being in this sort of position, which translated means being this happy, the neurosurgeon isn't quite used to this amount of calm and happiness.  
Serena smiled understandingly at the answer, she got what she meant, because she'd had a bit of this feeling with Bernie at the beginning.  
"How did you deal with feeling like this, make it feel....easier?".  
"Well..." Serena giving her answer some thought, wanting to give the best advice she could. "Have things between you been made what's the word...'official' or have you approached this topic in conversation?" seeing Roxanna shake her head. "Maybe this is part of why you feel as you do, could the lack of not having this talk be making you feel...insecure about you both and where you actually stand with each other...officially?".  
The blonde pausing before responding.  
"I do...or have thought that yes Alex could very well meet someone else, or someone could approach her, because well...she's very attractive and has such a nice personality, it wouldn't surprise me if something such as this could potentially happen" saying out loud to someone, especially to someone close to her, make Roxanna feel a pang of dread in her stomach as she imagined the worst case scenario.

 

A warm hand on hers reaching out in comfort.  
Serena's.  
The other woman smiling kindly across as she sat forward in her office chair, giving a reassuring squeeze to her friend, seeing the blonde stiffen in how she sat on the visitors chair, talking about Alex.

 

"After all I know and have seen about Alex, I'd say you've no need to worry in that department, the woman is absolutely smitten with you, she can't keep her eyes off you and would do anything for you. But if it's effecting you as it is, maybe having the talk about this matter might help make you feel better, put your mind at rest and give you both some more clarity?".

 

Enter the runaway mind and insecurities that sometimes made themselves present and known in the neurosurgeons head.  
"What if she doesn't want anything like this with me? What if she can find someone better? Or that she turns around and says to me that she doesn't actually want something 'official' with me after all?" came the barrage of possibilities that the blonde was thinking about, highly unlikely ones but at that present moment they all came rolling off her tongue and out to the ears of Serena.

 

"Roxanna...Roxanna just calm down, everything is alright, just take it easy" Serena soothed, not wanting her friend to jump to any outlandish assumptions based on her nerves and insecurities, especially when they weren't necessary. "If Alex didn't want anything more with you then I highly doubt that she'd still be around and as keen as she is. I've known her for quite a while now and have worked with her rather a long time too, I can tell you that she's not the kind of woman who messes with people's, women's heads and emotions, she's been through some of that shit herself in the past and been messed around, so she wouldn't do that to someone, especially not you, definitely not you. I bet that she would be more than happy, if not more so, to be 'official' with you. Roxanna, she's smitten with the bones of you, I'd say you'd be hard pressed to wipe the smile, or should that be grin, off her face when you bring the subject up with her. Because I also know that you're smitten with her too" seeing the previous tense expression being replaced with a smile on her friends face, as she mentioned Alex and Roxanna being smitten with her to the neurosurgeon, a little nod from the blonde at the comment.

 

"You're right...I am smitten with her, I adore her. I haven't felt this way before and she means so much to me" seeing Serena herself smiling as she spoke about Alex.  
"And this is how it should be, you deserve to feel this and be this happy you know. How about you just bite the bullet as it were and ask to speak to Alex, and just ask her about you both being 'official'. Alex will be fine about it and even more so about making things 'official' with you, if you don't ask then you'll never know, it just might be one of the best conversations you could ever have with her".

 

A few hours later, at the end of the shift, Roxanna had asked to speak to Alex but not in the hospital building, but in her car, somewhere more private, which Alex agreed too, a little confused about said conversation, but going along with it anyway.  
On reaching and then getting into the neurosurgeons car, Roxanna nervously, after a few moments of silence, starts to speak about how she's been thinking about things, namely between the both of them, and due to this thinking she's started feeling a little insecure, but this is because of how well things are going between them, how happy she is, these things have made her think about things in a more long term way for them both.  
It was this mention of 'long term' that really got Alex's attention, her eyes fixated on the older woman next to her in the car, wanting Roxanna to continue talking and more than willing to wait for her to do so.

 

Knowing that Alex was waiting and intently listening, Roxanna took a big gulp and swallowed her nerves, nerves that felt like they were threatening to bubble up from her stomach and choke her, prevent her from speaking, but somehow she managed to continue.  
"Have you...you..you yourself ever thought about us...us both in a long term way?" another swallow on asking the question she'd been building up to, green eyes fixated on the younger brunette.  
"Yeah I have" was the clear and swift reply from Alex. "I've thought about it a few times if I'm honest" this helping calm the nerves the blonde held, her stomach not feeling quite as knotted, it seeming like they were both on the same page.  
"I've thought about us both in a long term way a few times myself" answered Roxanna, seeing Alex smile at her answer, now the brunette knew they were thinking the same thing on this matter.

 

Wandering her eyes over the older woman, Alex waited a couple of minutes before opening her mouth to speak.  
"So...how about it then?" Alex gently suggested, her eyes still over Roxanna's face as she posed the question.

 

Silently it happened, her cheeks started moving, the corners of her mouth curving up into a wide smile at Alex's words, before whispering.  
"Yes" in an instant answer, this making Alex mirror her wide smile, the brunette then leaning into the gap between them and putting her lips near the blonde's ear.  
"Does this actually mean, that I, Alex Dawson, get to call your wonderful self my partner?" the soft breath and words making Roxanna shiver, the sincerity and meaning of the words effecting the blonde.  
"Y....Yes you can" feeling Alex pull back enough to look at her, the younger woman with a wide grin on her face still. "Although I feel the luckier one to be able to call you mine" and she did, Roxanna felt like the luckiest woman on the planet to have Alex as her partner, no one came close to the brunette.

 

Leaning forward Roxanna touched her lips to her new partners, both women closing their eyes in a tender kiss, you could say a kiss that sealed the deal of them becoming official with one another, a deal they were both more than happy to seal.


	32. Chapter 32

Daydreaming.  
Nothing else but pure daydreaming.  
Not working, as she should have been.  
No.  
Daydreaming instead.  
Daydreaming about her current situation.  
About herself and Alex.  
About how well they're going and that 6 months ago she'd have probably called you crazy if you'd have said that she'd be this happy, and all with a woman, this woman being the Alex she worked with.  
But it's what had happened.

 

Since Alex had come or should that be burst into her life and gotten close to her like she had, that her being the happiest she ever has been is a strange feeling, but in a good way, one that she's savouring and enjoying, enjoying rather a lot.  
It's grown in such a good way, an organic way, one that feels right, feels steady and how it should be.

 

Picking up her phone she sent Alex a simple text of 'I miss you xx', and then put said phone back on her desk next to her at the side of the paperwork she was working on, picking up her pen and continuing what she was doing, she could've been sure that the pile was increasing or at least not going down, even though it probably was. The ward had been quiet in the morning, so the afternoon had seen the neurosurgeon camped out in her office and attack the paperwork, seen as the ward was under control.

 

Beep.  
A message.  
From Alex.

 

'I miss you too, maybe I'll come and see you, then again maybe not ;) xx' the cheekiness of the message making Roxanna chuckle, but a little groan of not knowing if Alex would come and see her mixed in with it too, she knew Alex was cheekily teasing in a way.  
'So basically you're just being a tease and mean with that last message? :P xx' picturing the brunette either somewhere on the ward or in the hospital being highly amused at teasing her, winding her up knowing how Roxanna would be reacting in her office.

 

Putting her phone back down she resumed her work, after a few minutes her office door opened, a voice following it.  
"I'm mean and a tease am I?".

 

Alex.  
The voice making Roxanna smile, slowly lifting her head to look at the other woman. Watching the brunette close the door and then flick the lock.  
"Yes you are".

 

Once in the office Alex made her way over to where the blonde was sitting at her desk, a cheeky smirk on the younger woman's face as she spoke.  
"Well I'm here now.." raising her eyebrows to her girlfriend, as she made her way around to the side of the desk, and leaned down so their faces are level, looking at Roxanna, yes she enjoyed looking at this face, look at how attractive it is!

 

With her pen once again back down on the desk, Roxanna silently takes fistfuls of the scrub top in front of her and pulls Alex into a deep and passionate kiss, so much so that she felt it take Alex's breath away, in a good way of course. Her arms around the older woman, Alex straightens up and perches on the edge of Roxanna's desk, to the side of where the neurosurgeon sits, pulling her girlfriend into her even more, the both of them continuing to kiss passionately, unable to get enough of each other.  
Lips still locked together, Roxanna takes Alex's hands from her waist and puts them on her thighs, over her pencil skirt, a silent hint to the younger woman.  
This being a hint that Alex sensed and read, then reacted to, sliding her hands up to the top of the blonde's thighs, the movement riding up the skirt a little as she did, the action also eliciting a shiver from the woman underneath her hands, said woman pressing her legs further into Alex's hands, the heat beginning to radiate off the neurosurgeons skin, up through her tights, this liking of what her girlfriend was doing being vocalised in the form of a little, soft murmurs of approval, something that Alex heard, leading to the brunette parting from the kiss and breathing the words.  
"I like what I'm doing too, how could I not when you've got such nice thighs and skin like this" words that Roxanna hadn't ever had someone say to her before, an unfortunate knock at the office door forcing both women apart and the clear their throats, Roxanna quickly returning her skirt to the length it was before Alex had had her hands on it, even though the blonde much preferred it how it was, obviously.

 

It turned out it was a nurse asking for Roxanna's help, making her exit with a made up excuse as to why she'd been in the office with the neurosurgeon in the first place, Alex left the office and headed back onto the ward, a little more colour in her cheeks than when she'd first entered said office.

 

Another shift done, scrubs swapped for her clothes, Alex headed for the locker room door and then out, literally just stepping foot outside of said room when she heard her name, looking up to see Roxanna, joining the blonde in heading out of the ward and then down the stairs to the main entrance, and then down the ramp, getting half way down before Roxanna posed a question, one that hadn't been connected to their conversation they'd just had.  
"I don't suppose you'd like to come back to mine, maybe...maybe carrying on from where we started in my office before" leaving the statement hanging in the air as she looked to the smiling woman at her side.  
"I would for sure" replied Alex, both women getting into the blonde's car and back to Roxanna's house.

 

Both women in said house, they wasted no time in reconnecting their lips, Alex holding the blonde by the hips as she gently backed her against one of the walls in the hallway, feeling the neurosurgeon deepen the kiss as soon as the hard surface came into contact with her back.  
Parting lips to catch their breath, their faces only millimetres apart, Alex wandered her eyes over Roxanna's face but said nothing, it being the blonde that spoke.  
"Shall we go upstairs?" she whispered.  
"Are you sure?" seeing the older woman nod at her.  
"Yeah, I'm sure" both women then heading up the stairs and into Roxanna's bedroom.

 

Once in the room, Alex going in first, the blonde closing the door behind them and then making her way back over to the brunette, the pair of them starting to slowly kiss again, Alex holding Roxanna close as they do so, after a few minutes Roxanna leads them the little way to her king size bed in the middle of the room, Alex then taking over and laying the blonde down, hovering above her as they kiss again.  
"I want to be as close to you as I can get" Roxanna whispers into the kiss, her way of saying she wants to make love with the younger woman.  
"As do I" was the soft reply from Alex, the brunette then continuing to kiss her girlfriend, as well as starting to undo the buttons on her blouse, this after wandering her hands down the length of her torso and back up to her collar, stopping as she felt the body under her hands tense a little after only a couple of buttons had been opened, breaking the kiss.  
"Roxanna, what's wrong?" her eyes searching for the answer on the other woman's face.  
"Nothing" Roxanna replied, although she knew as soon as she'd said it it hadn't convinced Alex.  
The brunette narrowed her eyes a little, not believing the answer she'd been given.  
"Talk to me, what's really wrong?" wanting to know what the matter was and help her.  
Roxanna took a breath, a pause, breaking eye contact as she fought the words in her head, fought them enough to say them to the woman above her.  
"What....What if you don't like what you see, especially when you take my clothes off, and then...then even more so when we...when we make love" feeling herself squirm internally at saying the words, and then fact that it was a possibility albeit a very very rare one that the younger woman might not like what she sees, although deep down she knew that this wouldn't be the case because it was Alex and Alex liked her for her, all of her.  
"Hey now, I will hear none of this rubbish, this is something that could and will never happen. You've no idea how beautiful you actually are, every part of you. You are the most attractive and beautiful woman that I've ever seen, not just in your looks but who you are as a person, and I feel fortunate to get to be this close to you. On the other side of things, if you don't want to do this, or you've changed your mind about it, then that's totally fine too, it's whatever is the best for you" green eyes locked with the set underneath her, total sincerity in her words and face to Roxanna.

 

Listening to all that her girlfriend had said, it caused the blonde to shake her head.  
"I want to do this, I want to make love with you, with only you, I just don't want to disappoint you" being honest in her vulnerability to her girlfriend, but also express her desire to want to do this.   
"You could never even come close to doing this, you're amazing, I feel so lucky that I get to be able to make love to you" seeing a smile start over Roxanna's face, the blonde pulling her down to kiss her again, wrapping her arms around Alex as they started to kiss passionately again, Alex murmuring on feeling her tongue meeting the older woman's.  
God Roxanna you're so gorgeous!  
You've no idea!


End file.
